The Great YouTuber Slash Fiction

Chapter 10: Roustin - In Space, No One Can See This Shit

Originally posted March 4, 2018 to AO3      

You are the captain of this ship. You are in control. No one can board the ship without a permit.

"I am Captain Robert [REDACTED] of this goddamn ship, and I, as captain order you shitweasels to hitch you ride somewhere else!"

Oh no. You've made a critical mistake: ferrets hate being called weasels. The ferrets are offended. They hiss as their eyes glow, readying to shoot.

You have no choice but to surrender to their will. "Fine! I'll take you wherever you want! But I expect 800 qaty per setykf--" A laser shot grazes your shoulder. "650?" Another warning shot. "500?" No firing. The deal is made.

You walk to your pilot station, remembering when humans ruled the world. You have very little to recollect to though, since the Ferret Takeover happened when you were eight. Life hasn't been the same since then. Your father was kicked out of his dignified position as as royal court stripper, a family legacy for nearly four hundred years. You went from noble to commoner overnight, and now you work the peasant job of hyperspeed transporting, which is totally lame.

Normally, the job is quite boring, but every now and then, your spaceship is invaded by the ferrets, and you have to surrender to them or face death by lasers.

Bing bing! Your space door's opening. Those fucking ferrets found more fucking friends. You sigh, leaving the pilot station to see if this new lot will pay you some.

Instead of more ferrets, however, there is a man in a mask and a cape with a device; you recognize this to be a freeze ray. He's got all the ferrets in the room suspended in time. You have so many questions, but you start with the basics:

"Who are you, and why are you on this ship?"

"I can't tell you my name, for it is confidential. You may address me as my alias, Peanut Butter Gamer." He dashes around the room, grabbing the suspended ferrets. "I've been chasing these weasels down for their crimes against humanity."

With all the ferrets gathered, he pulls a metal stick out of his pocket, unfolding it demension by demension--it's a cage, something that's been banned since the Takeover. He puts the creatures inside.

"Take me to Sklas." He commands, looking you right in the eyes.

"Sir, this isn't a busship. There are many packages to deliver, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave, or else I'll report you to the Head." You try to imitate his confidence and calmness.

"I'll give you a thousand qaty." He places the money onto your hand. You didn't know that physical money even existed anymore.

"I don't have an authorized bank account, so I can't feed it into yours automatically. However, these are what the little black line under the bank screens are for."

"Why don't you have an account?"

"Because..." He pauses for a moment, "the Government would track us down."

"The Government can track anyone down. Everyone's got a record, cams are at every station, your ID needs to be scanned to purchase everything..."

"They're lying. If you know how to do it, it's surprisingly simple."

"I can't believe the Government would lie to us. Is that even legal?" If this is true, it would be the biggest political scandal in all of history!

"It's an ancient political tradition, and since they're the ones in power, it doesn't really matter if it's legal." He sits down. "Now please, drive."

You head to your pilot station. "My family used to be part of the Government, you know, until the Takeover. Does that mean my family was full of liars?"

"Probably." He is very casual about this space-stattering revelation.

"Do I have to keep this a secret?"

"Not for much longer. The Peoples of Earth Negating the Invasion of Shitweasels is rebelling against both the Ferret Takeover and the Government. And not to brag, but I'm one of the top agents there. For the past six years, I've been one of the greatest things to happen to PENIS."

"So PENIS is rising up? How big is it?"

"PENIS is huge, trust me. And it's already started to get in to the deep places. But let me tell you, it's been pretty hard."

You turn to look at him. "What's it like, being in a secret resistance movement?"

"Well, it's pretty cool." He puffs up his chest in pride. "One time, I was supposed to infiltrate a space base. I went in, and stole their power crystal. However, going in, I made this teensy little slip-up, and went into an area with cameras, so they knew I was off to steal their power. Six large guards came at me all at once, but I was able to fend them off and escape to my spacepod."

"Really?" You can't turn around in the driver's seat, but from your stance, you attempt to learn in as much as possible.

"It took one really big cliff jump, but I lost them all."

"Cliff jumping?"

"As an enemy of the state, you have to make daring escapes all the time. Jumping cliffs, dodging lasers, hotwiring ships, you do it--sometimes all at once, like on Vaalay. Of course, I didn't do it alone. I work with lots of other people..."

You remember seeing that on the news last year: MASKED VIGILANTES INVADES VAALAY PALACE. Infamous as the most defended fortress in this system, Until last January. Sklas... that was a tourist planet. What could be there?

"What's on Sklas then, if you're fighting the Government?"

"Oh nothing. I'm a professional, not an idiot, dude. You really think I would go directly to my mission?"

Oh, yeah...

"So where are you going then?" And in your mirror, you see the look PBG is giving you.

"Heheheh, right."

"Anyways, we're almost here." You can see Sklas's green swirls now. "See the red dot? That's where you'll want to park."

"Okay." You descend into the dank atmosphere. And while the ride seemed so mundane, you remember that you have just taken a wanted man, who works to free humankind for the dastardly ferrets.

As you go down, your hopes go up.

"Good luck with your revolution," You say, as he prepares to depart.

"Good luck with your shipping," he replies. "And when the Government cumbles... call me." He winks.

Then he's off. There goes the Peanut Butter Gamer, fighting for justice. And though you haven't seen his face, you find his nobility pretty handsome.