Blue Angel

Otto's Thoughts

Six years. Six years, was all the time I was supposed to do but my loyalty lead me to death row. I don't regret anything I have done, or anything I will do because SAMCRO is my family. I have let down my wife but she knew this was who I was when we met. I have served my purpose as her husband. I took her from in front of the camera with cocks shoved in each of her glorious holes to the one behind the camera directing.

I made peace with the fact I would never be able to lie next to her in our bed. The smell of her sweet perfume will no longer intoxicate my soul. I had made peace with the life I lived and the way it was going to end.

That was until September 29, 2009, she didn't know it was my birthday. I wouldn't expect her to, god knows I was never around long enough for her to get to know me. Some of you might be thinking I am talking about Luann but I am talking about someone more cherished than my beloved wife. As I sat in my cell the guard called my name saying I had a visitor. Luann had already passed away so who would want to come see me? The club I had guessed. I refused to leave my cell, I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, my memories of what seemed like a simpler time. "Otto I don't know why but your daughter is insisting she see you." My heart stopped mid beat. Why would Scarlet be here? My mind started to turn with horrific thoughts; could it be that someone found out about her? Could my past come back to haunt my only daughter and If it had I was helpless to do anything about it?

My breath held in my throat while I waited in the visiting area. When Scarlet walked in the innocence of her eyes caused a flood of regret to rain down over me. She was my one true weakness, it's why I kept her hidden like some sort of treasure. Scarlet was born January 3rd 1991. I missed her actual birth but I was at the hospital. I remember standing behind the glass looking in at her for the first time. There was no doubt about it, that beautiful child was mine. I couldn't stand her mother but damn if I didn't love her for bringing this child into the world. I wanted her to have everything in life. I wanted her to not live the way I did. I thought her mother was feeling the same way I felt looking down at her as a newborn, With a need of protection, to love her, and do everything in my power to lift her up above the piece of shit I had lived as. Watching her walk up to me in the prison was instant confirmation that, that was not the case .

I was consumed by Scarlet. Everything in myself screamed love and protect but I failed her in the worst ways possible. I sat here like a caged animal unable to offer her anything, no words of true wisdom, I had no cash stashed, I simply had nothing to offer my child. I hated myself for the man I was for the first time in my life. Here is the crazy part. As we sat there talking it was clear to me she accepted me. She wanted nothing from me but me, and more wildly my daughter; who I practically abandoned, loved me as if I was always there for her. Looking over all her ink, the wisdom in her soft eyes made me proud though I had no real part in her upbringing. I thought I had saved her from this life but she was born into. She wasn't part of SAMCRO but I could feel it in my bones she was no stranger to the danger of this thing we call a lifestyle.

The more we conversed the more it became evident that she was a miniature version of myself. I could hear it in her voice, she didn't have the happy life I thought I gave her by leaving her behind. She has experienced pain but she stood tall, her head was held high. She was a strong woman and if me leaving turned her into the woman she was then I guess I am not sorry I walked out of her life all those years ago. I could tell she was not like any other woman I have known. Scarlet was strong, independent, smart and beautiful. Though, I am not sure where she got the looks from, not from her old man and her mom was cute but she didn't have what our daughter did. Man, if Luann was her mother....I don't think the world would ever be ready for that kind of beauty.

I had wanted to tell Luann about Scarlet a million times. One, Luann hated kids, she never wanted them and wasn't afraid to let me know she hated kids. She always suspected I had slept with others on the road. It was somewhat of a loud secret. All the Old lady's knew it but no one talked about it. If I told Luann about Scarlet she would most likely confide in Gemma and the secret would be out. I couldn't protect my daughter from anything that would come her way after that. Yeah SAMCRO would have taken her in but that wasn't what I wanted for her. I see now that either way she would have found her way into it. Scarlet was born an outlaw. Kind of the way Jax was born to be the way he is.....

I knew I could never be there physically for her on the outside. I could see she was set out on finding answers, she wanted to know where she came from on her father's side and she had every right too. This was when I did something I swore I would never do. I gave my baby girl the darkest secrets of SAMCRO. I wanted her to know that she is part of my legacy even if it was a late start of her joining me. I gave her all the leverage she needed to mentally survive the club if she was to ever meet them. I was more worried about her physically surviving the shit that came with it. Something in my gut told me I didn't have to worry about her, there was something that lingered behind her gorgeous green eyes. Something myself, Jax, Happy, Tig and Chibs were all familiar with. A dark undertone that screamed danger; Scarlet didn't have to tell me I could see it. She has taken a life before. Call it intuition of a fellow killer. I did want to know but I also knew some things are better kept buried inside.

They say before you die your life flashes before you but in my case I felt the uneasiness of death crept over me the last few days. Scarlet had the slightest of ideas but I knew it was coming, I just couldn't figure out where it was coming from or who. I lasted a lot longer then I had thought I would with all the shit I have done.

This was when I gave her names. I felt in my heart if anyone would understand her, if anyone would be able to help her, god help me it would be Jax Teller. He didn't know it but I swore to myself if he bed my daughter like he did with the many croeaters and whores he did I would haunt his every fucking dream, but he would also keep my little girl safe and that was the most important thing to me.

There was so much more I wanted to say to Scarlet, but I couldn't without setting off alarms. She was too smart to take the sentiments of my words and not read between the lines. I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't let her walk out of here wondering when my life would come to an end, I couldn't bring myself to tell her she was losing her father, whom she barely ever had.