Blue Angel

Contemplating Moves

[Three Months Later, Clubhouse chapel]

"Jax? Baby did you hear me?" Gemma's concern clearly laced the words that she relayed to her son without a single reaction from him. Since the loss of Cain, Jackson had become a shell of a man; one that seemed to not care whether he lived or died despite the son that he still had to raise and love.

Jax had zero interest in anything Gemma had to say to him; there was only one thing on his mind and it was something he knew shouldn't be there but he couldn't stop the impulses that invaded his inner thoughts. The anger that he had pent up deep within himself needed a release, he knew that. And it needed to happen soon. But what disturbed him the most is knowing anything he did to allow the fierce emotions out they would not be smoldered if he didn't do exactly what he knew needed to be done to satisfy some sort of revenge.

"Get out."

With a huff Gemma stood from the chair to the right of the current president of SAMCRO, pushing herself away from the reaper table.

"We fuckin' lost him too Jackson! Don't forget your other son needs you. Abel. Remember him?" Without another word Gemma pivoted out of the chapel, letting the door close behind her, allowing Jax to remain with only his thoughts surrounding him.

The day he laid his premature son to rest was etched clearly into Jax's mind, eating away at him every moment his thoughts weren't consumed with something club related. Even when it was the memories of that fateful day at TM still there to haunt him. He couldn't help the hatred he felt towards the woman he thought he once loved for it was her past that caused him to put his child into the ground. The feelings that he once felt as affection were now nothing more than the same hatred he felt towards Wendy yet it was magnified to an extent he couldn't even explain. He knew it was wrong to allow such gruesome considerations to plague his subconscious yet he couldn't refrain from wanting to act on them. Someday, he thought, someone would pay for this tragedy with their own life. And he already knew who that someone would be.

If the loss of Tara hadn't completely hardened Jackson Teller's heart, the loss of Cain certainly did. He had become even more of a cold hearted killer. Not thinking twice about lodging a bullet into someone's skull. At this point it was nearly a pleasure to watch life being taken away because of him. He got off on it - it was almost the only emotion that made sense anymore. Being able to watch the pain a person endures at that moment just before death made him feel at least something. Not the emotion most would feel but to him it was the only one that made him feel like a little bit of the shitload of anger he carried was unloaded with the bullet that left the barrel of his Glock.

Scrubbing a hand down over the three day old stubble that consumed his cheeks before reaching the longer, coarse hairs of his beard his gaze stared straight ahead, his expression blank, no show of anything whatsoever. Just a man that was lost on the outside just as much as what was within. Sitting in the quietness of the room he contemplated his options. Did he actually have the heart to do what he wanted to do? It didn't take much to throw his ex wife against the wall and smash a speedball in her arm. It actually felt good. Real fuckin' good. Just as he knew this could have the same effect. He knew she was in pain of her own with losing a child but to him it was Wendy all over again. Maybe the circumstances were different but in the end it resulted in a loss for Jax. Another one that was the breaking point for the young man that had lost one too many significant people in his life.

He knew he should have been there for her, been more consoling and aware of her grief and her needs but he couldn't, not when he was being torn up from the inside. He wasn't there for her, he got that but seeing her throwing herself at another man from a rival MC, that shit made his blood boil even more. Sure he might have been known to fuck his problems away at times but despite her accusations he'd not been with anyone. Pussy wasn't going to fix what he needed fixing, the solution was far more complex than that.

Reaching out in front of him he retrieved his pack of smokes, pushing it open from the bottom with his thumb to pluck one from the wrapper. If he hadn't smoked the last of his weed before he arrived at the clubhouse he would have been drawing some of that shit into his lungs instead of the nicotine. The Marlboro would have no choice but to do.

As the grey smoke began to swirl into the air above him the door pushed open, Tig and Chibs making their way inside. It wasn't unusual for them to find Jax sitting alone in the room just pondering life but by the look on their faces there was evidence they knew something was up. Placing a hand to Jax's leather covered shoulder Chibs squeezed, reassuring his brother that no matter what he was there for him.

"Ye a'right Jackie? Gem tore outta 'ere pretty fast. Somet'in goin' on we need ta know about?" The VP spoke in a level tone, not wanting to set Jax off in any way. Since Cain he had a very short fuse.

"Family shit, brotha. Nothin' to worry about. S'all good." The prez turned his head to meet the Scot's gaze, mustering a smile in hopes to shield any of his previous thoughts where his ex was concerned. He was sure they would know soon enough what his plan was. Whether they liked it or not they weren't going to stop him. No matter how hard they tried.

In the moments that passed each member of the MC entered the sacred room, taking their usual seats around the carved reaper as Jackson looked on to each of the men that would die for the one sitting next to him. In years past Jax began to think the brotherhood and the vision his old man had back in '67 was crumbling but in recent weeks after losing his son the true meaning of brotherhood shone through.

Turning half sideways in his high back chair Jax twirled his ring on his finger with his thumb while waiting for the boys to take their seats. Church would be short this evening, the only round of business they needed to discuss was the proposition Pope had laid out for him a few days prior. Picking up the end of the wooden gavel Jax pounded it down on the block several times to bring church to order.

"Only a couple things on the agenda tonight boys." Jax began, sitting up straighter in his seat, folding his hands out in front of him. "I had that meet with Pope. Seems he has a little proposition for us."

The hushed mumbles and curious looks shot around the room from each man, each of them wondering just what Damon Pope had up his sleeve.

"How much further we wanna get in bed with Pope, Jax?" Bobby questioned, looking at the MC president over the top of his reading glasses.

"It's no greater risk for us but a lot more cash in our pockets boys. We are already hauling 30 keys up north. Pope wants to triple that...90 keys up the coast. Either way, we get caught it's the same sentence." As the last words left his mouth his shoulders rolled up in a shrug, his finger and thumb now stroking his goatee to a point.

"We really could use the extra cash. The bank is getting low, boys." Bobby chimed in, seeming to give his approval.

"What the hell? If we are gonna be in bed with 'em and get fucked, might as well get fucked hard." Tig offered his two cents.

"We ready to vote this shit then? All in favor of tripling the load for Pope?...yay." Jax raised his hand slightly to start the vote, the unanimous decision making its way around the table in a multitude of 'yays'.

"I got one more thing to discuss." Jax continued, his eyes scanning over the men clad in leather till his gaze stopped on Juice. "Juice, I need you to get me some info..."

"Jackie.." Chibs' seemed to sit up straighter in his seat to the left of the young president, almost as if he knew what was coming. Jax never said a word, only shot him a look that told the Scot not to fight him on what he was about to do.

"I need all the info you can get me on that fucker my ex has been seen with. Real name, home address, rank... I want everything. Even the last time he had his fuckin dick sucked." Obviously he didn't give a shit about that, or did he? He was sure it was probably one of the whores that hung around their bullshit clubhouse cause if his ex sucked dick like she used to, well, that poor fucker would have no choice.

"On it Jax." Juice eagerly opened the laptop that sat in front of him and went straight to work. When the man sitting at the head of table wanted something, you didn't object, especially lately. Once again lifting the gavel Jackson dropped it on the wooden block several times, ending the meeting. By this time tomorrow Jax expected to have the information that he needed to help release some of the pent up aggression he had inside.