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discovering —
in my mind, i travel back to ethan and i's impromptu date in his car with our song playing in the background. that's when i told him that my love would never completely fade.
it was true.
while i tried to tell myself i didn't love him, that he couldn't be my husband any longer, i knew deep down inside that i still loved him.
from the moment i felt a connection when we studied together in the university library, to dating him, to marrying him, to moving in with him, to having two kids with him... i can't just forget the amazing feelings and happiness that he brought me.
i completely overreacted. i was stressed as a mom and an insecure wife. he didn't deserve for me to blow up at him.
i realized something while i was away. i hadn't given myself the time to find myself again. i was too focused on what ethan had committed, rather than my self discovery. i needed to be okay on my own. i understood now that i could survive on my own, i could be stable on my own, but i couldn't feel loved without my family, no matter the mess it posed.
i sat on the musty, white duvet of the hotel bed. i'd booked a room for one night. maybe something in my mind was telling me that i wouldn't be staying long?
i made an impulsive decision and picked up my phone, immediately going to my favorites tab and hitting ethan's name at the very top.
it rang for a few seconds before i heard his groggy, raspy morning voice on the other end.
"hey, it's emerson." i said. i didn't know what else to say. i couldn't just jump into what i had planned out in my head.
"i saw. is something wrong? do you need me to come pick you up?" he asked, sounding a bit scared. it reassured me a bit, knowing that even if we were fighting, he still cared.
"no, nothing's wrong. i just wanted to apologize. for yesterday." i explained. i scratched my forehead, wincing. this wasn't going to be an easy conversation.
he stayed silent on the other end, waiting for my words to come through his side of the call.
"i blew up at you, and i'm sorry. most of it i didn't mean. it's just bottled up feelings from being so stressed about our situation and the kids. i shouldn't have taken it out on you."
the line stayed quiet for a few seconds before ethan interjected.
"not being able to trust me any more... do you really feel that way? because i understand if you do, i know what i did was horrible, but i don't want you thinking that i'd ever break your trust again."
"well, it's hard for me. i can forgive, but it's hard to forget. i'm trying. i just need some time." i said. hopefully he would understand.
"i've given you so much time, emerson. i think i've paid my dues." he explained. his voice wasn't mad, instead it was calm.
"i know you have, and i commend you for that. i just didn't realize until now that i never allowed myself the opportunity to do my reflection, my self discovery. i needed to be completely okay on my own before i rushed into this again. i thought i was ready, but i really wasn't."
"so what does that mean for us?" he asked.
"it means i'm ready now. fragile for now, but ready." i replied. i couldn't help but let my lips curl up into a tiny smile. "whatever happened, happened. i know it's time to get over it now."
