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realizing —
as the twins pressed the button to start the livestream, my heart began to pump wildly out of my chest.
mayson was perched up on ethan's lap in the center, grayson sat on the right side of ethan, and i sat on the other with hadlee cradled in my arms.
"hey guys, what's up?" grayson spoke loudly, his voice echoing throughout the living room. i smiled softly, while ethan and mayson smiled widely.
"we have mayson, hadlee, and emerson with us today! just drop some questions and we'll try to answer them the best we can." ethan explained, tickling mayson as he spoke.
i noticed a spark light up in ethan's eyes. it was the two things he loved with his entire heart, his family and his career.
i didn't feel like talking at all. while ethan had tried to comfort me earlier, i still didn't believe the fans were completely different okay with me. they probably thought i was some thirsty woman who only agreed to forgive ethan so i could share the paycheck.
why was i getting back with ethan anyway? for the kids? to feel that spark between us again?
"emerson! helloooo?" grayson teased. i jerked my head away from my thoughts and smiled.
"sorry," i said softly. "what did you say?"
"one person asked how you deal with the two kids and ethan at the same time." he laughed, looking back to the phone.
i readjusted hadlee in my lap.
"well, i still have no idea. coffee keeps me sane. that's about it." i replied, faking a smile the best i could. i still wasn't sure about this whole livestream thing. i didn't like exposing my kids like this. was i a protective mother? maybe.
a lot of questions were directed towards mayson, for he was at the age now where everyone thought he was so cute and his answers were always funny.
"okay, so one person has a question for ethan and emerson. it says, i feel on edge with my significant other and i've seen all that you guys as a couple have gone through together. how did you guys get through that?" grayson repeated from the bright phone screen.
i knew something like this was bound to happen. i let ethan take the wheel on this one. i didn't want to lie.
"well, emerson and i are still working through it to this day. even after a couple of months, it can be hard at times. we both still love and care about each other. it takes a lot of communication and trust, but we're slowly getting through it one day at a time." ethan answered, squeezing my hand. i smiled at the camera and nodded, silently agreeing with ethan's statement.
i took a glance at the comments on the screen to see how people were reacting. that's when i saw a familiar instagram handle, one with a verified symbol next to the username.
'wow, so cute you too. hope you work it out or whatever haha. i'll always be better xoxo'
my face went blank. ethan and grayson's as well. all of the work we had done to repair our marriage felt like it had disappeared in thin air.
"ok guys, i think we're going to end the live here. thanks for coming and talking to us! we'll see you all on tuesday with a brand new video on our channel. peace!" grayson and ethan said. mayson waved and yelled 'bye!!' before the camera went blank.
"i'm going to put hadlee down for a nap." i said emotionless, getting up quickly and shutting and locking the door when i walked into hadlee's room.
after i set hadlee down in her crib, i sat down in the rocker. i didn't know what to do. i just watched my beautiful baby girl fall asleep, not having a clue as to what was going on with her dad and i. i felt the same way.
it seemed like every time we were at a good spot in our relationship, something was bound to happen.
"em? let me in please." i heard from outside the door.
without thinking, i let my feet walk across the carpeted floor and open the door. it was grayson. he closed the door behind him and sat down in the chair across from the rocker.
"we haven't caught up in a while," he said softly, not wanting to wake hadlee. "how have ethan and you really been doing?"
i've always trusted grayson with things like this. we both knew ethan so well, so it's nice to talk to someone who really understood how ethan could be. we used to even have weekly meet ups at starbucks while ethan and i were married just to catch up.
"i mean, he seems comfortable again. i'm still not sure about how i feel." i solemnly explained. i buried my face in my hands. "i don't know if i want this to work out for the kids or for me."
there was the truth. what i had been contemplating secretly anytime ethan spoke. when i was driving back to this house. when we went on our 'date'.
i cried a bit, my back moving up and down with my breaths.
i felt grayson's heavy footsteps on the floor as he brought me in for a hug.
"i don't think i can ever forgive ethan for what he did to you, as much as he's my brother and i wish i could. but i do know he loves you and these kids of yours. meredith's a bitch and just wants him back. she's been texting him all the time, wanting him for a hook up or some shit. she might seem so high and mighty but she really just can't get a man of her own that will ever care for her as much as ethan cares about you."
i looked him in the eyes as he said this, wiping the stained tears from my cheeks.
"exactly, gray. i feel like he loves me so much, which is why he doesn't deserve a wife that can't reciprocate it any more."
we both cried, because we both knew i was right.
"i want to love him. i want things to be like they used to. i want to be able to forgive and forget. but i don't know how. i just don't know how." i sniffled, hugging grayson tighter.
"i know, i've known since you came back. if a brother can't do that, i don't think anyone can."
