Reflections | Jenkai

━✧ One

It was a rather cold night of November 2016 when Jongin was attending yet another end-of-year award show with his members. It was only the fourth performance but Jongin already sighed out of boredom. He watched the performances of artists carefully, but the only thing he thought of was how tired he was and how badly he wanted to go back home and have a good night sleep already. 

He sighed thinking back of the words his girlfriend had told him a few hours before the show started. "Try to see things from my perspective Jongin! How would you feel if you would have almost lost a contract just because of what fans say about you!" She told him. She had been complaining about what fans were saying about her, which affected her image, almost making her lose a contract with a beauty brand who needed this innocent image of hers, since it was their marketing concept. 

He knew she was having a hard time because of what people said about them. He knew his fans insulting her for the simple reason that she was girlfriend, hurt her. He knew she was having a hard time dealing with the multiple rumors that were spreading concerning what they supposedly did together during their free time, affecting both of their images greatly. He knew she was suffering from all the speculations concerning them. He knew she suffered. And he felt that it was his fault. He felt responsible of his fans' behavior towards her. He felt responsible for the huge backlash she was getting ever since it was revealed they were in a relationship. 

But he also knew he couldn't do anything about it.

He couldn't blame her for not thinking about the backlash he was getting because of it. It was normal. The backlash she was getting already was too big of a pain for her. 

"People never liked me Jongin. But I feel like they dislike me even more now." She once told him. Of course he felt guilty. 

He often found himself wishing to back in time, and never date her. It wasn't that he didn't love her, he did love her. He only thought it was much simpler when the two of them were just friends, and everyone saw them as nothing else but friends. 

Soojung was one of his closest friends before becoming his girlfriend. He had met her when he first joined SM Entertainment. He met her when she had difficulty speaking Korean, and had a hard time adjusting to the Korean lifestyle. She was born in San Francisco and spent all of her childhood in the United States. She moved to Korea to join SM Entertainment as a trainee when her older sister debuted. 

He knew Soojung already had a hard time accepting what happened to her sister, and didn't live it well. He felt bad his relationship with her in the end brought her more pain than comfort. 

He sometimes found himself thinking he cared immensely about her, but more as a friend. Their friendship always was more on his mind than their relationship was. It was no romantic love story. They always were close friends. They just one day slept together. Jongin feeling like what happened was wrong, he decided learning how to see her as a woman was better, and that was how they eventually started dating. But if he had to make a choice, he would always choose his friendship with her over his relationship with her. He cared more about her as a friend. It made him feel even guiltier. He did love her. But despite her not seeing it, or not wanting to see it, he also was having a hard time. 

His fans had turned their back on him. His fans insulted him. His own fans gave up on him. People said he wasn't working hard enough, and they said it was her fault. Of course he suffered, but he couldn't just complain to her knowing about how much pain she already was in. He also worried a lot about her. He had noticed how much weight she had lost ever since it was revealed they were dating. There was just so much he felt guilty for. 

Ever since they started dating, they started meeting less and less often. She was in China for a long time to film. And he was really busy as well. They both were traveling a lot for work, and had no time to meet anymore. When they did have time, Jongin didn't have the heart to see her, scared they would be caught together again.