02/03/2019
" Kaya mo pala ako g ilet gong ganon ganon? " "
As I think about it, unti unti akong nagagalit. Why did you ket me go? Why did you let me heal all by myself? I need you. You promised me. Sexist man pero babae ako e.. Baket ganto?
3:52am
Naglalaglagan na yung mga peke kong pilik. Na pinakabit ko para may mapansin kang bago saken,para magkaron ka ng rason na sabihan ako ng " Ang ganda mo " para totoo at pawang pa-bola lang at walang katotohanan. Tamang galawan dahil boyfriend kita.
Sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko. Gusto kong saktan ulit ang sarili ko para maawa ka saken. Para ikaw na mismo yung lumapit. Tipong di mo na kakayanin nung sinabi mo " Kakayanin ". Desperate moves comes during desperate times....DESPERATE. and the guilt cycle happens once more. And there you go my friends kung paano ako as a toxic girlfriend. pano from "i want you so bad" to "you dont need a trash and a burden like me" can happen in a glimpse. That is how my thoughts controls me and my decision. But i shouldn't acknowledge these thoughts as " someone" who's controlling me. It's just a part of me that I can control. Im much more than my thoughts. Im strong than it think it is. Who! How ironic.
****
I woke up wishing it was all a dream, but then, na-feel ko yung namumugto ko na eyes and i literally slept again. haha ang sakit kaya.
So when i woke up again eto nanaman sya.. what if ni-let go mo ko kase may abangers ka na reserve? What if may mag comfort sayo cos youre fragile? what if maging isang malaking dejavu to when you and I started dating? what if may magpaka rebound rin? or what if...you simply dont love me anymore kase bullshit na talaga ako kasama and youre so done with me?
I dreamt about this story. Nabasa mo raw to..together with someone. and it killed me.
Before we talked about breaking up yesterday, I mentioned you that I'll go to the gym today, and to be honest? I'm hoping that you'll be there.. Asking for me to come back to you. haha parang tanga lang wala pang isang araw oh. Or maybe you just get used to me not being there..cos now that i came to think of it.. Nawala talaga ako sa picture of me being your girlfriend. I've changed, as you said. So siguro nga, wala na lang sayo na nawala ako.
****
I was disappointed, hahaha obobs naman ako ih. I hoped na aabangan mo ko somewhere..but then you weren't there. After gym, i have nowhere to go. I called 2 of our friends to have some drinks.. Cos I couldn't tell them.. I just dont want to. So apparently no one's available. I want to drink alone, but then, I know someone may see me and ask me why I'm alone and where are you and whatever. That would hurt me more. So I decided to go to the mall without any gane plan or what should I do. Should I just go watch movie alone and cry in the theatre alone? Unfortunately, it was too late when I came. so...what now?
I just bought my comfort food...have any idea what that is? ICECREAM. But even my comfort couldn't comfort me at times like this. How could my life be any more fucked up. Sabi ko I'll heal di ba? baket parang naiwan ako don sa mismong moment na sinabi ko na let's have a break at nag agree ka? Naiwan ako don sa pagsakay ko ng trike na gusto kong bumaba at bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko. Cos I couldn't. sabi ko I want to heal but i said that without any fucking game plan. Is this one of the results of my impulsiveness once more?
Oh. BTW you really blocked me.
Going back, after the mall, idk where to go na. So i decided na pumunta na lang sa city proper...But then pagdating ko don ano na gagawin ko? So ayon pumunta ako sa Church..I even checked on our usual spot--kapag sumisimba--but then, I failed again wala ka ulit don. May katabi ako na dalawang girls..and nung nag peace be with you na bitter na bitter ako kase...naalala kong never pa kita g kiniss during peace be with you..So going back to the 2 girls..they kiss sa cheeks to idk if they are together or not but im pretty sure they are.
After the mass, I tried to go sa computer shop. Yung comp shop na inintroduce mo saken? Yeap I went there and went sa usual spot ulit. luckily, no one's there..but unfortunately, you weren't there as well. Dun mo sinabing na-ano ka while we're ayong remember? So i spent an hour there...watching blackpink concert in manila clips.. I watched a lot..kase I know you've watched all of those na. After that I really want to go back dun sa spot sa park sa may lake where we broke baka sakali lang namang andon ka kase same time na..so yeah... It's been 24 hrs. since we broke up.. and here goes our--My day 2.
How have you been? you tweeted " A L O N E " a while ago..Hope you'll find a friend whom you can voice out with.. bulok ka pa man din sa aspect na yon. Im sorry Im not there anymore. Pero wag girlfriend please... hmmm.. Im actually writing this kase..baka lang naman.. Sana.. pagmagkaron tayo ng chance and tinaong mo ko ng kamusta... lahat ng to.. Ipapabasa ko. Or para wal na ako makalimutan.. Para hindi ka na ma-sad kase nagbago na ako at wala na akong masyadong vinovoice out.
Again, Please dont be inlove with someone else. I'll heal myself..you can prioritize your acads. I love you.
