The Color Yellow

A Wave of Emotions

The doorbell rang and Beck ran out of my room and down the steps to get the door. I scrolled through Instagram and pet Copper as I waited for them to come upstairs. 

"Hey, Ivy," Ethan smiled, sitting down on my bed with Beck. 

"Hi," I smiled back.

"Beck told me about your dad, I''m sorry to hear that he's in the hospital," he said.

"It's okay, just trying to keep myself busy," I answered. They chatted among themselves and I just listened. I could tell Beck was into Ethan. I could also tell Ethan was into her. I went to the kitchen and made myself some tea before returning to my bedroom. 

Ethan and Beck started involving me into the conversations more and more as we hung out, I actually started enjoying myself. Ethan and Beck distracted me from the multiple days of hospital visits, bone marrow tests, and blood tests. One day Ethan and I were hanging out after Beck left for work. I liked hanging out with Ethan alone, I kinda just felt like a third wheel since he and Beck started dating so just having quality time with either of them was nice. 

We were singing at the top of our lungs to 2000's music. Without me even realizing it, Copper had been chewing on Ethan's expensive shoes, "Copper!" I got up and grabbed the shoe out of his mouth, it had teeth marks and the fabric had been torn in one spot, "I am so sorry!" I said, Ethan coming to grab the shoe, "How much do I owe you? I'll buy you a new pair."

"Hey, don't worry about it. These are old anyways," Ethan explained, laughing lightly at my panic attack. 

"Are you sure? I feel really bad," I said.

"Ivy, it's fine, seriously," He laughed, "You're over-reacting."

"Okay, sorry," I apologized again.

"It's okay," he said, sitting down on the floor and playing with the puppy. Wow. How could someone look so adorable playing with a puppy? I sat down on my bed next  and then got a call from my mom. She told me that my dad was officially diagnosed with leukemia. I took it all in. She said they are going to try to start treatment as soon as possible. Mom said she would be home tomorrow and dad's first treatment would be on Monday. Four days away. I tried to keep myself together so Ethan wouldn't be worried but my voice started cracking as I finished up the call with my mom. A couple tears rolled down my face and I wiped them away.

"You okay, Ivy?" I nodded my head yes even though my entire world was falling apart. He looked at me, raised his eyebrows, and I shook my head no. Ethan got up and hugged me, making every feeling in my body flow freely out of me. I cried silently at first and then started sobbing and letting everything out. He didn't push me away even though his sweatshirt was drenched in my tears. 

I couldn't describe how awful I felt. It's like I was a piece of glass that had been smashed onto the ground and shattered into a million pieces and there was no way of gluing me back together. I was losing everything. What if dad didn't get better? What if the treatment didn't work? What if he just gave up and stopped fighting the cancer? 

I stopped crying after a long while and Ethan sat down with me, Copper asleep on my lap. I explained what happened with Elsie and what was happening now and explained why I was so scared. He listened, didn't cut me off or anything. I started crying as I was talking and Copper looked up and perked his ears. I guess dogs really do sense feelings. I cried for about thirty minutes longer. Eventually I couldn't cry anymore and I was so emotionally drained and tired it was hard to keep my eyes opened. Ethan was still holding me in a tight embrace and I rested my head on his chest. I let my eyes shut and I let out a long shaky breath. Ethan's steady heartbeat was close to being hypnotic and soon enough I was fast asleep.

***

I woke up around six p.m. and I was still in Ethan's embrace, he was breathing steadily and he was definitely asleep. I smiled at this and when I tried to move he held me closer. I laughed lightly and then I remembered what was happening to my dad. I let out a sigh and then I also remembered that Ethan was Beck's boyfriend, not mine. I knew that cuddling with him was wrong but being in his arms felt right. People always say go with your gut feeling. Well I had two gut feelings. I did the right thing and wriggled out of his arms, waking him up.

"Sorry for waking you up, it's just... you and Beck..." I explained, running a hand through my hair.

"No need to apologize, you're right. Sorry for making you uncomfortable," He said, pulling on his shoes.

"You didn't," I responded, "It's just... yeah."

"Yeah," he answered, "I better get going. Call me if you need anything."

"I will," I smiled as he left the room. I looked at Copper and it looked like he was judging me, "Shut up." Copper set his head in between his paws and let out a sigh. I laughed lightly at this and then managed to distract myself from all the family drama by re-arranging my room and re-organizing it. After I had finished I cooked some Ramen and then got ready for bed. When I laid down all I could think about was what happened with Ethan. Oh well, being with Ethan is just a fantasy, something you can only dream of. I tossed and turned for a while before realizing there was no way I was getting to bed anytime soon. I checked my phone and had a message from Ethan and mom. I read moms, it said that she couldn't make it home again. I responded with a simple 'okay.' I opened Ethan's text and it said 'Goodnight, sleep well, Ivy." To a normal person this would be nothing, but I couldn't help feeling a little guilty. Beck was always complaining about how he never actually typed out 'goodnight' and 'I love you.' I responded with 'goodnight, you too!' and then turned off my phone and fell asleep.

Today was a wave of emotions.