My Mother's house

19

The week droned on, into one monotonous cycle. Wake shower eat clean eat try to talk to David about anything make dinner then bed. On Thursday I decided that I should do the upstairs windows. I pulled trim on all of them and measured them all, writing numbers down on a paper. I went to town by myself and the guy at Lowe's helped me load them all in the back of the truck. I got the ladder from the barn and laid out the windows where they should go. I started with one of the spare rooms first, in case I messed up.
    Taking out the old window was easy, lugging the new one up the ladder then trying to fit it in was hard. I had watched Nath a little putting in a new one, but it was harder than it looked. I was up on the ladder, trying to youtube window installation when I heard David's car, then another follow it. As soon as I heard the doors close I hollered for David.
    He and Chuck came around the corner. I knew David couldn't help me, but maybe Chuck could. He seemed like a handy kind of guy.
    "Chuck do you know how to put in windows? I can't get this one level. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
    "Either that's a new style, or you got the window upside down." David pointed up at it and I turned back to face it, cussing at my own stupidity. I pulled the bulky thing out and tried to turn it right, nearly loosing my footing on the step. The whole time, the two boys just sat and watched me. I got the window back in and took the level I had cleverly hung off the latter and checked it. "It's still not right."
    "Is the level clean and sitting flush?"
    I checked, and sure enough, a big glob of white hard stuff was on one end. "Good looking out." I tried my best to scrap it off with the end of the hammer, but I couldn't get it all. Then I dropped the hammer. I looked down on the ground and then to the boys a few feet away, then tossed down the level too. No sense of trying to do this up in the air. I came down the ladder and picked up the level and went to the tool box I had left on the ground. The box cutter whittled away at the mystery glob. The boys stood, watching me. I was starting to get irritated, I hated when people watched me work. The wind blew, cooling my heated skin of the nerves. I was almost done when I heard glass shatter. I hadn't nailed the window in at all, nothing had been holding it in place.
    I wanted to throw a temper tantrum on the spot. Chunk all the tools at the wall of the house and kick and scream, but I held it in, like an adult. I turned to the two boys, waiting for a smart comment. Silence. That is what I got. Complete silence and two boys looking at me, waiting for my outburst.
    I took out my phone and texted Nath. "Can you boys go to town and get another window? and some pizza? I don't feel like cooking tonight."
    David started walking away, knowing how I was, but poor Chuck, had to open his mouth. "And what do I get out of it?"
    I raised my eyebrow, a universal signal that says you're trying me, don't push it further. "Pizza."
    David heard the tone of my voice and jerked his friend to my truck. "Dude, don't piss her off like that. Trust me."
    Nath text me back, saying he would be over shortly. The bar hadn't opened yet, so he could squeeze me in. "Thank fuck."
    I didn't try anymore windows, I just sat on the tool box, wishing I had a porch swing to wait on instead. I got bored, and started picking up the broken glass, cleaning the evidence of my stupidity from sight.
    Nath took longer than I thought. I ended up on the front porch, sitting on the steps, like I was locked out or something. It was almost dinner time, I didn't realize until my stomach began to rumble. I checked my phone. Two hours. Two hours had passed and no one was here yet. I called David, trying to be a good guardian for him.
    "Hello?"
    "Where are you two? You should be back by now."
    "We're at the bar. Joe said to swing by and hold down the fort so he could come to our house."
    "Did you guys get pizza?"
    "Yeah we ate it already. We went to some place called Andy's and it was really good."
    "You were supposed to bring it back home so we could eat together."
    "Sorry Alexis, I can bring you something from the bar instead?"
    "No, just don't worry about it. Nath is pulling up now, I'll talk to you when you get home."   
    My peeved self didn't bother to say goodbye and just hung up. I had plenty of time to myself to cool off, but was heading right back where I had been when the window poked the sleeping bear.
    I stood and walked to meet Nath. "Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it."
    Nath grunted and lifted the window out of the bed of my truck.
    "The one I was doing was on this side of the house. I couldn't get it level to save my life, and I guess I got a little flustered and forgot a few things."
    He didn't say anything to me and got to work. I don't know what had happened over the last few days, but he was acting like he didn't want to be here, with me. He didn't talk to me, or look at me, and it was obvious he tried to stay away from me as conveniently as possible.
    He was getting tools ready to climb the ladder with. Instead of asking me where things were, he was digging through the tool box.
    "The level is by the ladder, along with the drill and a pack of screws."
    Still no eye contact, no thank you, not even a nod of acknowledgement. "You know what, just fucking leave. I'm already pissed and you're making it worse. I have no idea what the fuck I did to you, but right now I can't take your shit. And tell David not to come home either. He can spend the night at Chuck's. Forget about that piece of shit window. I'll do it my damn self." I turned and left a stunned Nath standing by the ladder and stomped into the house.
    I can't do this right now. All I wanted, was for someone to help me, someone to want to help me. Not watch me struggle, or pretend I don't even exist. I headed straight upstairs and to my room. What I needed was a good run. Something I haven't done in two weeks. I changed, in a hurry to leave this house, pulled my laces a bit too tight and headed for the back door, jamming the ear buds in my ears. I didn't bother to see if Nath was still here, and just took off without stretching or even getting my muscles warmed up.
    My feet pounded the ground and the tall grass whipped against my legs, slicing the skin like tiny paper cuts. I ran as hard as I could until my muscles screamed at me, then used that ache to fuel me. I got through the whole album of 21 pilots before I looked back at the direction I had came. The house was a little dot on the hill. My song was interrupted by David calling me and I hit ignore and started walking. I didn't make it too much farther until I collapsed in the grass. Hot tears streamed down my face.
    I thought I was doing so well, but it had all turned to shit. I guess not mourning for my mother had caught up to me. I cried for the woman I had lost years ago, her death, the last nail in finality. I cried for Nath, being broken so young. I cried for David, not really getting to know our mom like I had. I cried for my Dad, who had struggled to hold his family together, only for us to be broken apart. I cried for me. Caught up in the center of all the people I cared about and couldn't help any of them.
    I sat in the field and cried until there was nothing left. And when I was thoroughly at rock bottom of my tears and mood, I picked myself up and walked back to the house. Something about crying like I had took more out of me than running ever could, and I had run a long way. I hadn't realized how many acres of land my Mom's house sat on. When I was close to the house, the sun had started to set, casting oranges pinks and light purples across the sky.
    I trudged up stairs to my room, ready to just call it a night. I peeled off my clothes carelessly and they landed on the floor as I went. I drew myself a nice bath, letting the cast iron tub get warmed up before letting my body slip under the surface tension. The cuts on my legs stung, waking up my tired body. I grew used to the sensation, and laid my head on my knees.
    My phone vibrated on the sink, making my eyes peep open. I dropped down under the water and sat back up, smoothing the water from my face and hair before getting out. I draped a towel loosely around me, letting it hang low on my back before checking my phone.
    Let me know if you want to talk. We're in this together.
    David's text made me smile, albeit small. I didn't text him back, and walked out of the bathroom to find Nath, sitting on my bed. I ignored him, too tired to fight, and not yet ready to apologize for my bitchiness and got dressed in bed clothes.
    He sat and watched me, I could feel his gaze on me, and not in a lude way. When I was done, I tossed the towel onto the floor of the bathroom and headed to the side of the bed he wasn't on. I hadn't noticed before, but he had picked up my clothes off the floor along with my shoes. Before I could even touch the bed, he had me pulled onto his lap. He began kissing my hair, pressing his lips hard into me. I sat there letting him. When he wouldn't relent, I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tightly to me.
    "I'm sorry Lex." His hot breath seeped through my wet hair and warmed my scalp.
    "Me too Nath." I had no idea why he was apologizing, well I did, but didn't know if he knew why. I let go of him, and tried to crawl off his lap, but his grip tightened on me. "You should probably go, I didn't mean to keep you so long."l
    He let me go, only to lay on top of me. My sores a little soft from the bath burned against the quilt. "Can I come by tonight after the bar closes?"
    "If that's what you want?"
    He kissed my forehead, letting his soft graceful lips linger, before looking me in eyes, like he was trying to see in my soul. I so badly wanted to see in his. See his pain and who caused it. See his happiness, see that he was loved at one point in his life.
    "I'll see you tonight Lex."
    I watched him walk out of my room and down the hall. I heard first the creak of the stairs then the squeak of the front door. My old pickup rumbled to life and I listened to it get quieter the farther it got away.