Kurt and Blaine come home to Lima from New York for the holidays. Blaine learns about the hard times Kurt had before they met. Days later, Kurt is severely hurt and ends up in the hospital.
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, depression, profanity...
TRIGGER WARNING: Profanity, Depression, Self harm and Suicide (a bit more than Part 1 - be warned - vague description of death by suicide)
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Blaine and Kurt are home in Lima for the holidays (during winter break for Kurt's senior year at NYADA). They are staying in the Hummel-Hudson house (Kurt's father's house) in Kurt's old bedroom. The couple had slept in late and they are the only two in the home.
Blaine wakes up suddenly in a sweat and screams out Kurt's name, "Kurt no!"
Kurt was downstairs in the kitchen putting the coffee pot on when he heard Blaine scream. He went rushing back into his bedroom.
"What Blaine? What's wrong?" When Kurt gets to the doorway he sees Blaine sitting up in the bed- sheets thrown around him - with his head down in his hands.
As Kurt gets closer, he can see Blaine is crying. He sits down on the edge of the bed next to him and gently starts rubbing his back. Suddenly Blaine grabs onto Kurt's torso and continues to cry in Kurt's lap. Kurt just sits there with him for a bit, letting Blaine calm down and rubbing his back.
Kurt can't remember Blaine every being like this before. But he calmly waits until Blaine pulls himself up and wipes his drippy nose.
Blaine has left tears and snot on Kurt's pants but Kurt doesn't care in the slightest. Right now, he wants to know what's going on. He assumes it was a nightmare, and thinking back to last night, he has a feeling he knows what is was about.
But Kurt asks away, "What happened, Blainey?"
Blaine wipes his nose again before answering, "It was a horrible nightmare. I-I-I was coming home and-and..." Blaine starts tearing up again. So he takes a breath and seems to start fresh, "I was in my Warblers blazer so I guess we were in high school. But I was coming home as if it was to our house but it was your old house, like your dad's house, I was coming home to. And I went up to your room..."
Blaine looks like he was going to ball again. Kurt grabbed him into a hug and again rubbed his back. Blaine pulled back to finish his story.
"There you were..... hanging..... from the ceiling..... dead. Like the way they told us they found Karofsky when he.... tried. But you were.... you were... gone." Blaine's calmer now, now that he got it out. He didn't look like he was going to sob, but tears were running down his face and he wouldn't look at Kurt.
"Blaine." Kurt says to get his attention. Still Blaine's eyes stared into nothingness. "Blaine!" and Kurt grabbed his face and forced him to look at him. "I am ok. I am alive. I am here. I love you."
"I love you so much, Kurt."
And will that Blaine breaks out into sobs again, hugging his husband so tight it was hard for Kurt to breath. But Kurt didn't complain, he just sat there with Blaine, rubbing his back, and repeating, "I'm alive. It's all ok. I love you." over and over until the sobs slowly quieted.
Blaine finally stopped crying. He lifted his head and kissed Kurt. Hard. Just pressing his lips on Kurt's for what seemed like forever.
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Then he got up out of the bed and went to the bathroom.
Blaine came out a few minutes later. His face was still red from crying but he had cleaned away the tears and snot.
Kurt was still sitting on the bed. He looks up at Blaine when he heard the bathroom door open.
"Blaine, can we talk about this?" Kurt says lifting and dropping his shoulders.
"Ya ok." Blaine moves towards the bed to join Kurt.
"I can see this is really affecting you. I guess I really should have sat down and had a conversation with you about this before-"
"No. No. It's fine." Blaine says as he crawled onto the bed. "Honestly I don't think it would have mattered how you told me."
"Then what is it?" Kurt wants to help. He feels like this was all his fault. His husband had cried more in the past 24 hours than he had in the past year. Kurt is worried.
Blaine pauses for a second and licks his lips. "Like I said last night, I can't imagine never having you in my life. And hearing you say that-that you thought about killing yourself - it brings up a lot for me."
Kurt's concerned, "Like what baby?" He scooches closer to Blaine.
Blaine looks into Kurt's eyes. Kurt looks back; he could see the sadness in Blaine's eyes.
"Do you remember the 3rd or 4th time we tried to have sex?" Blaine continued, "Do you remember what you found on me?"
"Oh course baby your sca- oh." Kurt understood. "Your self harm scars."
"Listen, like I told you baby, I could never do it- kill myself. But did I ever think about it? Yes." Blaine couldn't look at Kurt anymore. He never told him this. "What if it had been me? What if I didn't stay long enough for you to enter my life? What would have happened to you?"
Blaine started to tear up again, and Kurt grabbed his shoulders.
"But you told me, Blaine. You told me it wasn't like that."
"Ya but I still thought about it. And you– you did too. Where would we be Kurt? I love you. I love my life right now. All of this– there would be none of it if either of us have made a slight wrong turn."
Kurt thought about what Blaine said. And then his mind drifted to the first time Blaine told him about this...
