thank u, next - billie eilish

bloodline

"even though you're bad for me, i know."

"you're cool and all but, i can't have anyone knowing about my sexuality. they most definitely can't know i'm with you i mean...have you heard the rumors?"

"yes billie, i've heard them." i scoffed. i couldn't believe what i was hearing right now.

"let's just fuck around or whatever. no strings attached, alright?"

fuck you.

"okay." i sighed and began walking away. "not so fast princess." she wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed me. i resisted the urge to spit in her mouth.

we stayed like that for a couple minutes until i pulled away. i felt my heart burning. aching. she didn't want all of me.

i told her i had to be somewhere but I just needed to get away.

i walked home and thought about everything that happened. billie didn't want me the way i wanted her. she just wanted to be play buddies and nothing more. but i wanted more. i needed more.

i hesitated on whether i should call rosa or not. i decided not to, she'd just get pissed and start going off. i didn't need that right now. i needed love.

—

yesterday was a complete blur to me and i woke up to the sound of my annoying alarm clock and my parents fighting. again.

the worst part about it was that my room was underneath theirs. i went to sleep to this. i woke up to this. i wanted to die because of this.

my phone went off interrupting my thoughts. i quickly accepted when i saw it was rosa.

"hey babe, what's up? need a ride to school?"

"yea i-"

i was rudely interrupted by the sound of glass breaking and stomping. one day, i feel they're gonna kill each other. i used to go up to their room and try to stop the fights but it's all too much. i've given up.

rosa hung up and i got ready for school. she knew when my parents fought we didn't talk about it. act like nothing happened.

she pulled up in front of my house after about ten minutes and i sprinted to her car. i was so glad to get out of that house.

"we have ten mins to spare, wanna grab something to eat?" she asked sweetly. "i'm good, i had a big dinner." i spoke, rubbing my stomach.

i had air.

i always hoped i'd starve till i died. it got worse when alexis started bullying me and it hasn't gotten better.

"so what's going on with you and billie?" she asked trying to spark conversation. the very mention of her name made me want to die.

"nothing, we're like, friends. she's straight." i lied through my teeth. i wanted to tell the truth but I didn't know how. and, i knew i'd feel stupid afterwards.

when we arrived at school we parted ways and i headed to my locker. i grabbed my biology textbook and was about to head to class when i heard a loud bang. someone else had closed my locker.

i assumed it was billie needing some attention or something so i just chuckled.

but, when i turned around. i realized my worst fear had come true.

alexis was back.

+

i never realized how personal this book was for me...damn.