thank u, next - billie eilish

needy

"and i'ma scream and shout for what i love.
passionate, but i don't give no fucks."

flashback:

"nobody likes you, you should just kill yourself!" alexis laughed while her goons pulled my hair and held me still. tears spilled from my eyes as i tried to escape.

i had told the principal what she had been doing to me. taunting and teasing. i attempted multiple times, all because of her. she made me feel like nothing.

she and her goons got expelled which i thought was good but everyone loved them. the entire school began to resent me. rosalie was all i had.

after me and billie's study session, or whatever you want to call it, we decided to part ways. "here's my number, text me or whatever." she got up smiling. her dimple shined through her cheek.

i just nodded smiling and started walking home.

—

"should i text her?" i asked rosalie. we were having our usual late night call where we talked about our day. "you're so needy." she laughed. i could feel her roll her eyes through the phone. "shut up i am not! y'know what? imma text her." i laughed.

she was silent for a while and then i heard her sigh. "do whatever you want." she spoke coldly. after that she hung up and i sat in shock.

i brushed it off and decided to just text billie.

BILLIE

hey, it's y/n

hey, did you get home safe?

yea, you?

that's good. i'm kinda tired so, goodnight.

night 🖤

my heart fluttered at her cuteness. she was so sweet and nice to me. i'm sure that'll change once she hears the rumors but i'm enjoying her for now, i guess.

maybe rosalie was right. but, i'm only needy because i barely have anybody.

—

me and billie kept hanging out in the library after school. it had been about a week and we had grown fairly close. i wasn't hanging out with rosie as much and i felt bad but we still talked and ate lunch together. i still loved her, she was my bestie.

it was lunch and me and rosie were complaining about how much homework we had when billie came to our table. "so this is your hide out?" billie smiled looking at me. i giggled but rosie just rolled her eyes. party pooper.

"so um, i wanted to know if you wanted to maybe have lunch with me?" she asked nervously. rosie looked like she was about to say something but i gathered my things and began walking with billie.

she looked kinda hurt but i knew she was happy for me. she had to be.

i sat with billie and her friends. they seemed to be very sweet people. well that was until...

"did u hear about that lgbtq+ group their starting at school? it's kinda gay." rana laughed taking a sip from her water bottle. this was one of the reasons alexis bullied me and i'm sure everyone knew.

i'm gay.

billie laughed as well and i just nervously ate. i was starting to feel memories surfacing so i tried to zone myself out.

"hey y/n you okay?" billie asked. i was so gone that i could barely anwser her. "yea." i spoke. i excused myself from lunch and ran to the bathroom. lots of thoughts were roaming through my head and i couldn't hold onto reality.

i was so out of it. the anxiety was unbearable.

i threw up, cleaned myself up and then headed to class.

+

you'll believe god is a woman!