new мaĸnae/ j.jĸхвтѕ

7

My chest feels so empty. Is this what it feels like to be forgotten by the only family you have left. Junghyun never came to visit, he never answered my calls or texts. 

I was let out of the hospital and was made to go to practice. Every day I'm told how useless I am. I stopped eating. I stopped a lot of things. 

I stopped loving, I stopped caring, I stopped getting hurt because I was already so hurt that I broke. My life feels like a lie. It feels like everything is a lie. 

I feel like a grain of sand in the desert. I whole fucking dessert filled with sand. There are so many people that need help with issues and I am among the least of anyone's worries. I don't have anyone anyways.

I sat on the middle of my neatly made bed. My whole room was clean. Nothing out of place. My life's a mess that doesn't mean my room should be one though. 

I felt a tear run down my face. I felt my body shake as I cried. I cried an ocean and now I'm drowning in it. 

I feel like I'm underwater. I drowning in my sorrows. I feel dead.

What does death feel like? Does it hurt? Would anyone care if I died? Would they be sad? Would they encourage it? Would they try to stop me? 

I ran my hands through my hair. I pulled at it. I want to scream. I'm in so much pain. I bit my lip trying to keep a sob in. 

My phone started to ring. I let it ring through. It rang a few more times before it stopped. I turned to look at my phone that sat on the nightstand. I picked it up and saw calls from Yugyeom and Mingyu from Got7 and Seventeen. 

They had come up to me at an award show a few weeks ago. They gave me their phone numbers and added me to a group chat. I never look at it. 

I turn the ringer off and set it down again. I pulled at my hair and rocked back and forth as tears ran down my face. 

***

Sorry for not updating and for the short update.