late night bus ride for the sake of my sanity, and also, some groceries
there is an engine somewhere beneath me i press my feet to the floor, and feel it rumbling quietly, ambient noise and a low growling voice carrying us down the street.
i inhale shakily, but somehow still silently i am trying to pull my heart back in, but you are so close to me.
i peer out the window and have a hard time telling the stars and city lights apart -
apparently, i have a hard time telling a lot of things apart, like what this feels like and what this is supposed to feel like. why are these feelings ones i only want to acknowledge in the dark?
whenever i have a crush, my first instinct is to cry - and my second is to turn to the cards, tarot spread turned therapy, instead of getting in my head, i'll just let the universe yell at me
right side up and reversed have different meanings, and each card that i pull and place in front of me tries to list what i need, or how i feel about what i want us to be
nine of swords reversed: inner turmoil and fear that runs deep
internal struggle and this growing sense of guilt stifled underneath it's true, i mean, i don't want to make things messy, ruin this accidentally
but i'm sitting across from you and you look exhausted, and beautiful face partially covered by stray strands of hair a soft smile, shy grin if i look close enough, i think i can feel it, i swear that it's there am i looking at you for too long? are you looking back?
high priestess, reversed silence and secrets i am fumbling around in the darkness, but the light finds a way to illuminate your face
do you know how close your hand is to mine?
seven of cups, right side up wishful thinking, running out of time overwhelmed by choices possibilities, opportunities, tongue tied in knots thinking about everything we're not, and everything we could be you know, you could hold me, if you wanted to.
next card, the moon, right side up repressing emotions, overwhelming anxiety my heart and stomach decide to dance inside of me they push and pull in a steady tango, frenzied whirl why now, why this girl when they say this wouldn't work? when i know how this would hurt?
the world, reversed a major arcana, it says that lack of closure is making this harder
can i tell you how scared i am? how everything stops when i'm near you, stress of seconds passing wiped clean from my skin i don't know what it means, but i'm trying to let go of the past and i think if you asked, i'd let you in
four of swords reversed, dire need for contemplation
knight of cups reversed, overactive imagination
king of wands reversed, unrealistic expectations
ace of cups, right side up: love
it's a good card, but is it meant for us? was it meant for me?
ten of swords, right side up: loss
which one will it be?
