I'm Fine, Really.

Dallon Gets Dizzy

dallon point of view

I took Tyler's advice and purged in the shower. It was the first time I have ever made myself throw up.

It really burns, but I guess it's worth it.

I thought that everyone was going to try and get better here. I guess not. Nobody except for the nurses have shown me any concern or want for me to be healthy. 

Right now, I walk to my new psychiatrist's office. His name is Dr. Iero. People say he is pretty cool, but no matter what I don't think I will be able to trust him. Anyone who says that I'm fine just the way I am and that I don't need to do this to myself is a liar. 

I feel dizzy as I turn the corners, but that just feels natural now. I am in a constant state of lightheadedness. When I enter the dim office, a man with many tattoos welcomes me in, motioning for me to sit on the brown leather couch. 

"You must be Dallon, correct?" I nod, sitting down. "Nice to meet you Dallon. I'm Dr. Iero, but you can just call me Frank." "Nice to meet you." I say quietly. His smile is warm and genuine, but the darkness behind his eyes shows that he has seen some dark shit. 

"So since today is our first session, how about we get to know each other? Does that sound good to you?" I nod, looking around his office. There is a white guitar hanging on the wall to the right, a few pictures of him and another man. In some pictures, the other man has red hair, others he has jet black hair. Interesting. 

"I will start out by saying three things about myself, then you will do the same." I nod once again. "Well I play guitar, I'm married to my fantastic husband, Gerard, and I really like dogs. Now, you say three things about yourself." I fidget with the hem of my sweater, thinking of what to say. 

"I like drawing, playing music, and... I don't know. I'm not very interesting." I look up and meet his eyes, he is writing something in his notes. "So, now onto the sad stuff," He begins, I sigh internally, "How long have you dealt with your eating disorder?" 

I think for a moment, I can't even remember anymore, so I just shrug. He writes some more. "Do you know what caused this? Did someone at school or in your family say something to trigger it?" I shrug again, he sighs. "Dallon, you need to talk to me." 

"Sorry." 

"No worries. We will get more into it in our next session on Thursday." I stand up, ignoring the instant head rush. "Thanks." Is all I mumble before opening the door and slowly walking back to my room. 

As I'm walking, I hear a distant screaming, but it gets closer, very quickly. 

A boy with purple hair and no clothes on whatsoever sprints down the hall, screaming. There are nurses chasing after him. I watch for a second, in shock by how exposed he is and a nurse with glossy black hair turns me away.

"Sorry you had to see that on your first day. Awsten isn't doing too well." She says, leading me to my room. "It's okay." I say, barely above a whisper. "Also, I don't think I was supposed to tell you about his name and stuff. I'm new here, oops. Don't tell anyone?" She holds up her pinky and smiles as I link mine with hers. 

"Thanks. I'm Nurse Sarah, by the way." I tell her it's nice to meet her and she smiles again. She's very pretty, if I was a straight boy I would probably be drooling over her. 

"I'm always here is you need someone to talk to." I thank her and walk into my room, going to my bed and laying down, staring up at the cracked ceiling. 

"Hey," I'm startled by a sudden voice, I had forgotten all about Brendon. "Sorry, did I scare you?" I shake my head no. "So how was 'therapy'?" I sit up and lean against the wall. "It was okay." 

He nods and we go back into silence. I look over at him and he has pulled a spork out from under his pillowcase. He stands up and walks into the very small bathroom with it, not making eye contact with me. I shake my head and lay back down on my back, stretching out my aching legs. 

Ignoring the small sniffles coming from the bathroom, I trace patterns in the cracks on the ceiling. Making out shapes that look like rabbits and dogs, the occasional cat shaped crack comes up now and then. Brendon returns in the room, his eyes a little red, the spork clenched in his hand and I look at him. 

"Don't you fucking tell anyone. I know what you did in the shower. I won't snitch if you don't." he snaps, hiding the broken plastic in a notebook under his bed. I put my hands up innocently. "I wasn't planning on saying anything. I'm not in the right place to pull that shit." He nods, laying down with a sigh. 

We lay in silence, at one point I think he's asleep but he speaks up. "So what's your story? What got you tossed into the nuthouse?" I roll onto my side, staring at him from across the room.

"Why?" "I'm just curious. I'll tell my story if you tell yours."

"Um so I'm anorexic, but that's obvious. I'm actually pretty okay, my mom is just paranoid. All that happened was that I blacked out in the store. Not a big deal! People pass out all the time." He frowns at me. "I- Yeah okay. She probably was overreacting." 

he probably thinks you're fat. that's why he believes you. 

Oh my god he does. It's true. I'm fucking obese compared to him. "S-so what's your story?"I ask, the lump in my throat making it sting more. 

"To put it simply, I am suicidal. I have been on suicide watch at least five times. Been on several antidepressants, nothing works. I tried to commit suicide two years ago, didn't work. Tried to kill myself a week or two ago, didn't work. Now I'm here. People just won't let me fucking go." 

"Oh. I'm sorry." He rolls his eyes, looking at the clock on the wall. "Whatever. Let's go to dinner. Sit with me Pete and Patrick this time too. They want to meet you I guess." I nod and stand up, having to take a moment to steady myself on the wall. 

"You okay?" I nod quickly and follow him to the cafeteria. 

We sit down with our food, Pete smiles at me. "Hey Dallon! What's up?" I shrug, sipping my water. 

"How are you liking this place so far? It's just glamorous isn't it?" Patrick says sarcastically. "Totally." 

I get to know all of them more and only take sips of my water throughout dinner, Nurse Sarah giving me a sad, knowing look. 

After dinner, Brendon stays behind to sneak around with Pete and I just go to the room. 

I'm so fucking tired. 

All.

The.

Time. 

<{•.•}>

y u c  k

this is kinda making me relapse into a million things?

okay whatever