I'm Fine, Really.

All My Fault

dallon point of view

It's all my fault. 

I should have said something.

I shouldn't have let him kill himself. 

"Dallon? Dallon, talk to me, please." Sarah pleads. They put me in solitary because I was spazzing out so much. 

"no." I say, turning my head. She sighs and sits down on the soft floor. 

"Dal, it is not your fault. Tyler was severely underweight for his height and was just about to get tubed. He wasn't trying to get better." 

I wipe my eyes and look at her. "You all could see that he was struggling! You knew he was sick and dying but didn't do shit!" I say, she winces at the volume of my voice. 

I know I am being hypocritical when I say that they didn't do anything, but I'm just as sick as Tyler.

"You know that that is not true. He was defiant and getting thinner by the day. Dr. Iero wants to talk to you once you are calmed down," She says, her hand traveling to hold mine, "Do you think you're up for that yet?" 

With a shrug, I nod slowly. "I g-guess so." She smiles weakly and nods, continuing to hold my hand as we stand up. 

"Where's Josh?" I ask as we make our way to Frank's office.

"He's in the ER on a very close suicide watch, he tried to hurt himself a lot last night." She tells me, squeezing my hand. "We are going to move him to a different hospital, being here could trigger him since he was the one to find Tyler."

I nod, tiredness washing over me. I just want a nap. I want a nap and I want to go home, that's all.

We make it to Dr. Iero's office and he motions for me to sit on the couch across from his desk. The bags under his eyes are darker, his wedding ring sits on the desk next to a cup of coffee. 

"Dallon, are you feeling better since your outburst in group therapy?" He asks, resting his chin in his hands. I nod and shrug. 

"Are you going to talk?" 

"Are you going to do your job and help someone for once?" I snap, making the older man sigh. 

He gives me the same shit about them doing their best and that Tyler was very sick. 

"Then why didn't you do anything? You could literally see how bad it was getting!" I argue

"Why didn't you say anything Dallon? You talk to Sarah quite a bit." He says, making my face fall.

"Because I'm just as sick. It's not my job to look after your patients, Frank." I say, kicking at his desk.

"Dallon, calm down. I understand why you are lashing out like this, but it needs to stop if you ever want to get out of here. You said some pretty hurtful things to Brendon and Dom earlier, don't you want to go out and apologize?" 

I cross my arms, looking at the floor. I do feel pretty bad about what I said to them, and they are the only ones I have left. "I suppose." 

"Are you going to be safe by yourself? Can I trust you to walk down to the cafeteria?" 

I want to say something mean, but I decide against it. "Yes, I will be okay."

"I'll talk to you later, Dallon." 

I roll my eyes and walk out of his office, what does he know anyway?

I hope Brendon and Dom aren't mad at me. It's not like I meant to say those things. 

Everything in the cafeteria seems normal, just a grim vibe going around. Brendon and Dominic talk quietly, Brendon picks at the skin around his nails. 

"H-hey." I say, sitting down without food. 

"Hey, are you okay babe?" Brendon asks immediately

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't mean it." Sarah gives me a sad smile and nods. 

"It's okay mate, we understand." Dom says, giving me a side hug. "Yeah Dal, don't worry about it." Brendon kisses me on the cheek and I blush. 

Sarah sighs and pulls out a gross shake, handing it to me. "Here, drink all of that and I won't even make you stay after lunch."

"Really?" I ask, taking the bottle. 

She nods I drink all of it. 

The calories are colored over with marker, but I know that it is two hundred and twenty for the whole bottle. 

She knows that I'm just going to purge it as soon as I get back to the room, why is she doing this? 

They just want me gone

They are getting sick of me being here, not getting any better. Everyone knows that all progress I have made will immediately go downhill because of Tyler

they are giving up.

Maybe I am too.