I am Loved

I am loved. Prologue pt. 1

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Why canʻt you be more like your brother?"
"I wish I never gave birth to you."
"If only youʻd been born a boy. You might have been of some use."
"All you ever do is mess thing up."
"You're a failure and I doubt youʻll ever be anything more."

These are the words that have surrounded me my whole life. My name is Lee Pang. I have always seemed worthless in the eyes of my parents and family. I was supposed to be born a boy or not born at all. They would have named me 'Liam'.No matter how hard I try I never seem to measure up to the expectations of my family. Always lagging behind my brother. Chasing. Stumbling, prying my way up from the bottom. I am never quite able to leave his shadow.
Perhaps this is the way it was meant to be. For my brother to be forever loved and adored by others and for me to be the subject of anything and everything derogatory. Hate, Loathing, Judgement, Pity, Disgust, Weakness. I have felt all of these and more in such an intensity that should never be felt by a child. I have felt all but one feeling I have longed for more than anything in my whole life. More than acceptance, more than generosity. Love. Love from my parents. Love from my peers and classmates at school. Love from my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I have felt only one form. Sibling love. Aydin, my twin brother has loved me as a person should be loved. He is the only one, For not even I love myself. If everyone says I am worthless and only one feels otherwise, then it must be true. My brother is blinded and his love is unconditional. Like that of a mother. Though in every way not like a mother in my case.
By no means does that mean I do not love him equally. Though I cannot bring myself to love myself. I treasure and love my brother as if he will die any day now. Which I am more likely to do than he is, to be honest. I am unsure as to if I love my parents. I am unfamiliar with the feeling of a parents affection. Iʻve witnessed it between my parents and Aydin. I can try copying it in my head but it doesnʻt make me smile like Aydin. I never smile like Aydin does when he's being praised by our family.

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"Lee! Lee!" I felt a large hand shaking me into consciousness. I opened my eyes to see a large blurry figure. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and the person before me was my dad. I jolted awake in shock.
He hadnʻt touched me in days.
My eyes darted around the room I shared with my brother. Was there a fire? And earthquake maybe? No. I felt nothing as my eyes scanned the light green wallpaper and my brother's desk to his dresser to my footlocker. Did everything seem...fine? I looked back at my father. He didnʻt seem alarmed as he stepped off the ladder to the top bunk on which I slept.
"Itʻs Aydin's birthday remember? Get dressed were going out for his birthday brunch with the family." after pointedly not mentioning that today was my birthday as well, as Aydin and I are twins, My father left my room with a slam to let me get ready.
I climbed down the bunk to my footlocker. Today weʻre turning 10. I thought as I slipped on a dark Green T-shirt and black hoodie, as well as a pair of knee-length basketball shorts. I walked to the door to grab my sneakers when Aydin walked in.
"Happy birthday sis!" He exclaimed handing me a small box made of Koa. A special type of wood that was famous here in Hawaiʻi.
"Happy birthday Bro!" I said taking the box and before embracing my brother in a hug. I scrambled back to my footlocker to grab his gift. He took it before patting me on the head and smiling.
Ever since he started growing a bit more he started patting me on the head like I was his little sister even though Iʻm not and heʻs only grown 2 inches taller than me.
We were about to open our gifts when my mother opened the door
"Aydin? Were about to leave are you ready?" she asked
"Yes mother," he said
"Great, Happy birthday little one!" my mother said as she knelt to hug Aydin with a warm smile. Without turning to me, I watched as she rose to give Aydin one last smile before glancing at me with a frown.
"Liam... You look terrible. Couldn't you at least try to make yourself presentable" My mother said, disdain dripping off her every word. She chose to call me by my original name. The name I would still have if I had done one thing right and been born a boy like I was supposed to
"Yes mother," I said apologetically
"Aiyah! your such an embarrassment," She said with a click of her tongue as she spun around out of the room. The familiar sound of her high heels click-clacking down the hallway trailed after her.
I frowned at the empty doorway that the person who should love me had just exited.
Seeing this, my brother squeezed my hand
"Don't think about it," he said with a gentle smile.
Hand in hand we walked to the car and seated ourselves next to each other in the back seat.
"Where are we going to go eat?" I asked tapping my father on the shoulder who was in the passenger's seat. I felt his back tense at my touch. I retracted my arm and buckled my seat belt. I sat silently and waited for a response that didn't come. The corner of my mouth twitched. It was painfully obvious that they'd heard and were ignoring me.
"Where are we going to eat?" My brother repeated for me. Immediately, my father said "Dragon Dragon". The name of my brother's favorite Chinese restaurant.
"Oh," we both said
"Aidyn, Open your gift!" I said excitedly. Aydin took out the gift out from his coat pocket. wrapped in a silver wrapping paper, tied with green string. His favorite color. Aydin was sensitive to the cold, while I was the opposite and loved the cold which was why I was wearing basketball shorts in the middle of autum. After carefully removing the green string and placing it beside him on the seat. He unfolded the silver paper and found a small cedar wood box about the size of a CD case and the thickness of a VHS tape. He placed the box on the middle space between us and lifted the cover to reveal a single yellow jade anklet resting on a black cloth. Aydin's face lit up as he ruffled my hair with one hand and removed his left shoe with his other. He slid the yellow jade I had gifted him up his foot and pulled the two strings at the back to secure it safely on his ankle. With a smile, he told me to open my gift. It had been sitting on my lap already so I popped open the beautiful Koa box the size of a phone. Inside was a small circle of jade with the chinese character for eternity or forever etched in the shiny stone. It was small, no bigger than a dime. Attached to the top was a small circle to string something through. It was beautiful but I wasn't sure what it was for so I looked at my brother in confusion and cocked my head to the side. In response, Aydin reached under his dress shirt and pulled out a thin black leather cord with a Chinese coin dangling from the end. Realization flowed through me as I reached under my hoodie and produced an identical necklace.
The coins had been given to us both at birth by the Shaolin monk that traveled all the way from his monastery in Zhengzhou, China all the way to Maui, Hawai'i to witness our birth. All twins in our bloodline were given identical physical objects that bound us together with not only our twin but all the twins who were born in our family. Our older cousins Xi Lin and Xi Jiao were given amythyst pendants that they kept on themselves at all times. Like them, Aydin and I never took off our coins.
Understanding, I untied the end of my necklace and strung the end of the cord through the circle on the eternal jade. The weight of the jade carried itself to the center next to my coin as I tied the ends back together. I smiled at Aydin as I fidgeted with my new jade.
Jade had many meanings and symbolizes many things. Including loving energy, the purest kinds of love. Familial love. In a way, the jade symbolizes the eternal and unconditional love that my brother possessed. It was every kind of wonderful birthday present. To say I was overjoyed with the sentiment would be an understatement.

My happiness was soon mixed with confusion though as I noticed that we had entered the highway. The opposite direction of Dragon Dragon. Aydin noticed it too and shifted in his seat.
"Where are we-" He started.
Mother and father looked at each other and nodded before turning their heads back towards us.
"Aydin my little one. Stay back okay?" my mother said from the driver's seat. Quickly my father's arm reached back and unbuckled my seat belt.
"What?" Aydin and I said simultaneously.
I heard a pop and the door on my side of the car opened. My eyes flashed wide open with panic, as did my brothers. I felt my father shove me hard from the side. And I almost flew out of the car
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I yelled gripping into my seat.
"We have no use for you Liam," My mother said, completely monotone. My left foot had briefly hit the ground speeding beneath us and was now throbbing. My father went for another shove as my mother continued speeding on ahead. This time Aydin grabbed fathers arm with both hands and held him back with all his might. So much fear and bustling emotions flowed through me as I started crying. My parents who I'd always known hated me were finally trying to get rid of me.
"AYDIN DON'T!" mother screamed glancing between my brother and the road.
"LIEN! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!" my father yelled, using my mother's first name. Seeing the opportunity I desperately kicked my father in the side. He bellowed out in pain and cursed in Chinese. I felt his fist skim across the top of my head. Aydin bit down hard on my father's forearm. On reflex, he pushed back and slammed Aydin against the door on his side of the car. AYDIN!! I screamed in my head. Though was unable to make out vocally.
"FAI PANG DON'T YOU DARE HURT HIM!!" My mother screamed at my father, also using his given name. In my panic and worry for Aydin, I reached out for him and in that time, my father managed to swing his leg over the center console and kick me in the gut. Our finger barely touched as our eyes met. Both crying and dripping with tears. We barely connected as I felt both of our emotions and fears flow into each other. We barely brushed fingertips as my fathers kick sent me flying out of the car. The last thing I heard was my brothers blood-curdling, grief-stricken cry as My shoulder made the first impact with the road and I blacked out.