Outside the Mirage

#19: Terms of Usefulness

"This is ridiculous," Merlyn grumbled, crossing his arms like a toddler throwing a fit.

"Doc's orders, bud," Vanessa said. "No field work til next week. You were supposed to leave Saturday morning but you didn't even wake up until Sunday, so I'm going to go ahead and say that you're not really in 'hunting down an old mentor' condition."

Merlyn glared at her. "I hate you."

"No, you don't," she replied. "You're just a baby."

"I have a job to do," he said.

"So do I and I'm going to do it," she said. "And you'll do your job too, you just have to wait a minute, alright?"

"And what am I meant to do until then?"

"Pretend to email people while you're actually watching videos online?" Vanessa suggested. "Isn't that what you normally do?"

Merlyn rolled his eyes. "That is not true."

"Oh, please. I heard you watching some sort of cat video the other day. It was really loud."

"The cat was playing piano," Merlyn muttered. "What was I supposed to do? Not watch the video?"

"Just, please, behave. We'll go do all the legwork next week, but right now you need to relax and not be a total dick about it. Okay?"

"Okay," Merlyn grumbled. Vanessa nodded and walked out of his office and into her own. Merlyn sighed and rubbed his eyes. Opening his computer, he logged in and started scrolling through his emails before arriving at one from one Agent Trainee Jordan. Frowning, Merlyn wheeled his chair to the door and into Vanessa's office.

"You harassed another Agent Trainee?" Merlyn asked her.

"Uh," Vanessa replied, "no. Not really. I was just listening to music."

"'Noises that sounded like the unbridled attempts of demons attempting to procreate in public places'," Merlyn said. "His words, not mine."

"That is rather damning," she said. "But I swear, I only watch demon porn on my own time. Especially when it's in public places."

"Good to know," Merlyn remarked. "Who is he? Agent Trainee Jordan?"

"He's the guy across the hall," she said. "Apprentice to Layfield? Dude's got a mustache and looks like what would happen a frat boy lived in Alabama during the Civil War."

"Layfield?" Merlyn asked. "Like, John Layfield?"

"The door says 'Special Agent Layfield'," Vanessa said.

Merlyn wheeled his office chair to her door and then proceeded to wheel across the hall to the door designated for Special Agent Layfield. Merlyn knocked on the door about twelve times before the mustached Agent Trainee Jordan answered the door.

"Where's Layfield?" Merlyn asked.

Jordan looked down at Merlyn and wiggled his mustache. "He's busy."

"Tell him I'm here," Merlyn demanded.

"Who are you, exactly?" Jordan asked.

"Special Agent Merlyn, you blonde biscuit!" Merlyn shouted. "Now grab someone important!"

Jordan rolled his eyes and then slammed the door in Merlyn's face.

"What is his problem?" Merlyn growled as he made his way back to Vanessa's office.

"My guess?" Vanessa said. "He's really two twin Dwarfs in a coat, and he's tired of his brother's head resting on his--"

"Shut up," Merlyn said. "I need to speak to John."