Me, Myself And I

California... Again!

Anthony's POV

I woke up at 8:35am today. Its four days after Christmas so its the 29th. It also means we're going to California for the new year! I haven't been to California since that awful spring break that led to Scarlett's incident. I still blame myself for her accident. If I hadn't set up the whole trip none of this would've happened. I'm trying to get over the guilt but I somehow can't. It's the most important reason why I'm still attending therapy.

I made my bed and headed for the bathroom. After my usual morning rituals I wore some chinos with a navy blue Kappa T-shirt and white All-star sneakers. I tried taming my wild hair with some pomade - recommended by Avalon - which barely works but eh. I went downstairs and found my dad in the kitchen, on his laptop with his mug, the one he got from Scarlett, in one hand. "Hey dad," I greeted him. "Morning son. I expected you to be happier today, unless you forgot what day it is?" He asked as he raised his eyebrow. "Oh I know what day it is. I would be happier if the last trip to California was without incident," I said as I made some cereal for myself. "Son," my dad said with concern. "I'm sorry but I can't help thinking that way, at least this time if something were to happen, it wouldn't be my fault because going to California wasn't my idea," I said as I chuckled humorlessly.

"I see therapy is not helping," my dad huffed in resignation. "Dad, Scarlett could've died. Knowing that I opened that possibility, I can never forgive myself," I said as I shook my head at the memories I was evoking. "I'm sure Scarlett has forgiven you," my dad suggested. "No she can't, she can't even remember the trip... Or me at that fact. How can you forgive someone you don't know who literally ruined your life. 4 years dad, she lost 4 years of her life because of me. If I could take her place, I would. Without a second thought," I told him as I munched my breakfast sullenly. My dad sighed tiredly and stood up. "Tell me when you're done so we can go. You'll find me in my study," he said as he strolled off to his study room. I just nodded and carried on eating.

I knew I was giving my dad some proverbial grey hairs because of my self loathing, but I can't help myself. I did indirectly cause this, this accident. I blame myself for giving my dad more stress. I blame myself for a lot, because everything seems to be my fault. I remember Senior year when Danny and Jen broke up because of me. Danny was so worried about me that he didn't give Jen enough attention because she too, was hurting, proverbially bleeding because of Scarlett's coma. Danny had been the most saddest when Jen broke it off. And obviously I blamed myself for it.

I did everything in my power to get them back together during Fall break. It was hard since Danny was in New York, but I pulled it off as you can see. Jen doesn't put any blame on me but I know that's just what she says to make me feel better. But I know I'm to blame for their troubles, and after hearing Danny say he wants to marry Jen makes me feel even more guilty. He loves her so much and he had strained their relationship for me! I'm such a bad person.

After I finished my breakfast I washed the little dishes that were in the sink then went to my dad. "I'm done, we can go now," I told him in a monotone. He was used to this now, me being all sad and detached but it still made him worried. "Okay, go get your bags and load them in the car. I'll do the same," he told me. I simply nodded and went to my room to fetch my prepacked suitcase. I took it and loaded it in the car. Jen had packed my bag 2 days ago, thanks to her. I wouldn't have packed until this morning. It also brought bad memories, Scarlett's incident and all. I got into my dad's black Mercedes and waited for him. I took out my phone and plugged in my headphones. Somewhere in between that my dad arrived and started the engine. "It'll be fun son," my dad said to me. I looked away and rolled my eyes. It should've been fun the first time we went to California, I thought to myself. He drove off to the airport after sighing at my lack of positivity and response to his statement.