Suicidal Seven

Piper~Doubt

Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish

For the most part, Piper felt unloved. Some part of her wanted to blame Jason, but she knew it was her. The first rule of being a child of Aphrodite is to love someone.

Pretty shallow, but that was the way of things. She felt that she loved Jason. And for awhile, he loved her too. Either it was paranoia or the truth, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't love her anymore.

And it wasn't just him. She felt excluded everywhere she went. Whether it was Annabeth, too busy planning to hang out with her, or Leo, too caught up in maintaining the ship to talk.

Maybe it was just her. Maybe her brain was against her. Her own mind probably didn't love her either.

See, the thing is, she had worked so hard to establish this self love and this confidence. She always felt neglected as a child so she learned to love herself, because no one else's opinion matters.

She mined confidence from that self love and life was great for a little while. She met Jason and that love doubled because suddenly someone else's opinion did matter.

And it was a controlled source. Because one person's opinion was okay. But then it started to matter a little too much to Piper. And it went beyond Jason. Because suddenly everyone's opinion mattered and all Piper had worked toward was gone.

And maybe it was because of that need to feel loved. Maybe it was even her Aphrodite senses. But she could pick up on the littlest things in their relationship. That's where the paranoia crept in.

She was all of a sudden so scared of not being loved. She had come to rely on the love of others instead of her own. She needed that extra person to love her fully when that would never be truly possible. She knew this and yet...she couldn't stop.

She was addicted to that love the same way she was addicted to attention when she was a child trying to be loved by her father.

And Jason was there like always, and he loved her like always, but it wasn't enough. She needed enough but nothing was ever enough for her. And she hated it.

She just wanted to get that full breath of air, metaphorically, but her lungs just wouldn't fill. They wouldn't cooperate with her brain and give her the ever satisfying gulp of air that she so desperately needed.

She wanted it so much. She just wanted...too much of it.

She hated to think about that part of her life. The part before she went to Wilderness. Before the world of being a demigod blew up in her face. When she was in a really bad place.

She'd been high once before. And it was amazing. It was a lot like being high on this love problem she's having. Because after the first time, you can never get to that high again without getting more and more and more.

She didn't want to be stuck in the same loop so she figured she'd just overdose it. It was a simple science, really. She would inject herself, get wonderfully, amazingly high for a few short moments, then die. And everything would work perfectly.

Because she wasn't loved here. Nobody loved her enough to fill her lungs like the drugs did. A distant part of her remembered that that was her job. She was supposed to be the one breathing, the one with all the love for herself. But that part was buried beneath the addiction. It was too far away.

She sat in her cabin with the needle, ready to go when there was a knock on the door. It was Jason.

"Hey Pipes, you in there?"

She held her breath. She couldn't answer him.

His voice took on a tone of concern. "Piper? Uh, can I come in? Are you okay?"

"Jason, just leave me alone," she grumbled, emotion seeping into her voice. That was her 'superpower' after all, even when she didn't want it to be. Maybe that's the power that saved her because Jason opened the door then.

His eyes softened when he saw her on the bed, needle in hand. He sat down beside her and held out his hand. He didn't grab for the needle like she thought he would. He just sat there, eyes pleading, palm up.

"Can I have that please?" He asked gently. "No!" Piper was scared he was going to take it from her. But that really wasn't the case at all, was it? It was for her to give it to him.

"Piper, please. Can I have it?" His gaze didn't once waver from her face, from her eyes. She held them. She held his eyes in her own and she saw that they were beautiful. She knew this of course, but it struck her then for some odd reason. Maybe a distraction?

But he seemed sincere enough. She conceded, handing him the needle. Still holding her stare, he said, "Thank you. Now can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm what's wrong," she said, a pout forming on her face. Jason didn't dare approach her with touch quite yet, so he sat beside her.

"Piper, you are not what's wrong."

"It's-it's just...I don't love me and you don't love me. You don't love me like I need you too. No one loves me at all. And I just-I need it," she said. She remembered then why she'd had the needle in the first place and reached out for it weakly.

Jason just held it there, palm open. "You don't really want this, Piper. I know you. This isn't what you want."

Her hand fell short of the needle and she brought it back to her side. Jason was right. The needle wasn't what she wanted.

"I just-I need to feel loved. I need you to love me, but you don't or you can't, I don't know..."

She started to trail off but Jason set the needle aside and held out his hands, silently asking her a question. She caved in and gave him her hands to hold. She found the pattern he was rubbing into her hands with his thumbs comforting.

"Piper, I love you. But you need to hear this from me. I love you so much, and Annabeth loves you and Leo loves you and a lot of people love you. But we can't do a godsdammed thing until you love yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup, okay? I know you are capable of so much more. You are capable of such love because you are Piper freaking McLean and love runs in your blood. I will always be here to love you, but you have to love yourself first."

A few tears escaped her eyes and she managed a smile. She was thankful to have someone like Jason in her life, who was always there to love her and to show her how to love herself. Who was there to save her from things like her own self doubt and that stupid needle.

She was so, so grateful for Jason and she loved him so much, so she told him so.

She was also grateful for who she was. For herself. Because after Jason's talk she realized he was right again. There was only so much everyone else could do. It had to start with herself.

And so it would.