Finding You

1: Gloomy eye bags

"You're probably miles away, sitting in an American café with some girl who is not me. I'm lying if I say I'm not jealous, I want to see you badly- this waiting is actually going to be the death of me. If you come back and I'm on my deathbed I blame you", she chuckles softly. "Will I'm... I can't even say it. I'm so sorry about what I said- you needed my support and I let my fears take over-ah..." a sob becomes stuck in her throat and stops her words. "Ugh, I need to stop crying, I'm going to have permanent tear trails down the sides of my face if I continue like this. Will, this silence is unbearable- why can't you just come back? You know that day we argued I was going to tell you... I was going to tell you that I love you, that I'm utterly in love with you. I remember how hard my heart was beating, the fast thumps were echoing in my ears- just at that moment when I was going to tell you. Would you have stayed if I had got those short words out? Well I guess-"I close the voicemail tab sharply.

I couldn't hear this any longer.

"Oh God, what have I done?" I hastily tug at the ends of my hair.

I pace about outside of her room as I sweat profusely. Nothing had ever felt like this. My short breaths ring in my ears as I brace myself to enter the hospital room. One step, two steps and three steps.

I take a breath and push open the door, I already get a glimpse of her from the circular window in the door. At that moment, it was as if my life was crumbling just before my very eyes. I could feel sudden moisture tumbling down my pale cheeks. The constant beeping intermingles with my increasingly ragged breathing.

Her weak and tired frame lies there, completely hopeless and void of life. Tubes attach her body to machines from about every inch of her skin. There is a brace of some sort clinging to her torso. A large tube is escaping from the Finding Nemo blanket and draining fluid. Her arms in a mangled mess, not by the sides of her body like people always imagine. There's a bandage wrapping around her shoulder and a white cast around her left arm. Grazes and scratches are littered all over her neck, face and are wrapping around her right arm. Her lips are the palest shade of white, it is as if she'd been trapped out in the snow for days. Her eyes are closed, her eyelashes floating above her gloomy eye bags.

I rush over and take her icy hand into mine, caressing her cheeks. I wanted her to respond to my touch, to wake up and give me a cheeky grin like she always does. I just wanted her eyes to open and for her to see that I'm here by her side and that I'm here to stay.

But why would she think that? After leaving her in one of the darkest parts of her life, why would she forgive me? Hell, I wouldn't forgive me.

Tears are leaking from my eyes and falling onto my nose. I wipe them off with the cuff of my jumper, I sniffle constantly amidst the quiet room. I quickly peck her hand, wanting to stay in continual contact with her. I stroke the top of her ink coloured hair, then move down to hold her face. I touch her cheek with the pad of thumb, soothing her.

I just want to hear your voice, Samantha.

I pull my phone out of my pocket with a free hand. I play one of her voicemails, one from after I left for Chicago.

"Hi Will, I'm sure you've heard about approximately 27 of my days and you're probably bored by now. I can't keep talking to you like this because you're not replying and I'm scared that we'll never speak again so I'm going to read you a poem... I hope my voice isn't too scratchy" She starts, her voice thick. It sounds like she has been crying.

I look over at her on the hospital bed and try to imagine her face while she was recording this. Her brows would be scrunched in thought, and her hair would be tied in a topknot as it would always be at the end of the day. She would be snuggled up in her Finding Nemo blanket. She would have been waiting for me to respond to this message, and I didn't. I wipe her cheeks as if wiping all the tears I hadn't been here for.

"This is a random poem I found online by e.h off Pinterest, I have no clue when this voicemail ends but here it goes:'You can write for hours on hours,

 Of all the things that you wish you could be,

 But the truth of the matter is simple,

People are not poetry,

And I know that you wish you weren't awkward,

That sweet words could roll right off your tongue, 

But your time here's too short just to worry,

How every single sentence is strung,

It's okay to be rough around the edges,

To be bruised up and broken and scarred,

But it's not okay to let people tell you,

That it's a reason to change who you are,

Your hair doesn't always sit neatly,

The way a poem sits so neatly in lines,

And sometimes you might feel like a word,

That nobody has learnt to define,

You might not be a star that lights darkness,

Or a bird that can teach us to soar,

But it's okay because you are too complex,

To be crammed into one metaphor,

It's okay not to know what you're doing,

Since your feelings don't have to all rhyme,

Through a poem once complete is eternal,

You have the freedom to change over time,

You're much more than can ever be written,

There is no title to say, "This Is Me",

You can't be trapped in the lines of a notebook,

Because people are not poetry'

Goodnight, Will".

As she finishes up the poem, I kiss her forehead and internally thank her for maintaining contact with me despite our fight and the distance between us. This isn't the end of our story, it's merely the beginning but let's go back a few months in time so you can hear the story unfold.

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Hi guys, it has really been a while since I've updated :( I have decided to rewrite these twenty-two chapters I have already published because I wasn't happy with it and I found it hard to write as I didn't have a definite plot line. 

I really want to update frequently from now, it's going to be tricky as I've started my first year of A-levels but I will try my best to keep up.

Thank you so much to anyone who has been reading and has waited for me to get all this back together- you are greatly appreciated <3!!!!

Keep reading,

rhea xo