Dead Inside

Failed Attempt

The sun slowly peeked through the curtains of my room, thus forcing me to wake. I look at the clock to see that its 11:25 pm. Half my day gone to waste. Yet there's not much else to do, besides sleep, in a mental hospital..... Yes, I'm in a hospital..... Last week I went deep with my cuts; too deep according to my mother. So, as any protective and caring mother, my mom called the ambulance. I honestly wish she would have stayed at work that extra shift, maybe I would have bled out. I'm tired of my life as it is.
Anyhow, I've been here for a full week. Strict supervision, with no way to satisfy my urge to mutilate myself. Thank God today is my last day here though. I'll be released later this afternoon. These lifeless white walls, beeping machines, and steady stream of nurses is quite hopeless. I think my depression gets worse within these walls, as everyone attempts to cure me. Treating depression as a common cold, rather than the cancer it is.
God I can't wait to get out of here. Run home and dig up that blade I keep tucked uner a slit in the carpet in my room. Feel the blade cross my skin, cutting through each fiber of skin. Breaking every imperfection, draining the poison inside me. Just watch the blood drip from the scars. A never ending quest to numb the pain I feel deeper than my skin. The pain in my heart, and emptiness in my soul.
Just as I was beginning to lose myself to the darkness, my mom walks in. It's been a long week for her. She's a single mom of 3 kids, while working 2 jobs to support us. On top of that, she has spent her free time here with me. I guess she just wants to make sure I'm going to be ok. As if she cares about my well being. Lost in thought, I hear my name called.
"Michael, I just signed you out. We can go home now." My heart lifted a little bit, but crashed again at the next words; "You have to go to school tomorrow, you have already missed too much." Just like everything else in my life, school is a living hell.
Just a quick history on me. I'm 17 years old, the oldest of my family. I'm also a Junior in high school. I'm the one you see sitting alone, never goes out, wears hoodies and wristbands 24/7, and yet smiles everyday. Everyone sees my mask, but never sees the pain behind it. I have two younger brothers: Joseph and Tommy. I've always been pushed to the side for the sake of my younger brothers, my mother putting more focus on them and being there for them. I've learned how to be silent and keep to myself, less drama for my mom to deal with. My dad left the picture years ago, shortly after my youngest brother was born. He fell for some girl he met online, thus chasing the younger beauty rather than the love of his life. I will never understand that.
So there you have it, im a dead man walking....literally.... No point or hope in life, just waiting for the day its all over. Yet life goes on for now, the nurse should be in any minute to unhook all these machines from me. Just as I was thinking so, the nurse came in. She quickly unhooked me, and gave me my clothes to get dressed and ready to leave.
I was dressed and out those doors faster than anyone could say wait. I'm sick of that place. I went straight to the car and waited for my mom to join me and take me home. She finally came out and we were on our way, but not in silence. My mom took the time to tell how scared she was for me, and how she was going to watch me closer and make sure I didn't do something so stupid again. Forget the fact that what I need is her love and affection, not her watchful eyes on me. I understand where she's coming from, but I don't get how she can be so blind so as to not understand my pain. Attempting to take my own life was the smartest thing I had ever done, considering everything else I do is called stupid and dumb. Yet no matter what, my mom made me promise to never do it again. I made the promise from my head, not my heart....just in case.