Dead Inside

"You failed"

I wake up the next morning, shutting off the devil's scream; also known as the alarm clock. I get up and look at myself in the mirror. I'm disgusted with what i see: a scrawny, weak, defective kid. Nothing like the jocks who seem to be the model of perfection, while I'm the model of disaster. Yet I plaster on that smile I wear everyday, the one that says "I'm fine." I then look down at my wrists. They're still healing, slower than i want really. Looks like its gonna be long-sleeved shirts for awhile.
As I get my clothes I think of the day ahead of me. Been out a full week, and I'm pretty sure the rumors have already spread around the entire school How I tried to kill myself. It's going to be a terrible day, everyone staring at me as if I don't already feel terrible. Yet it's just something I gotta do for the sake of my mom. Just like everything else I do, I put up with this death trap of a school for her peace of mind.
I choose some black skinny jeans and dark grey long sleeve shirt to wear for the day. Even though its in the mid 70s today. I slowly make my way down the hall to the kitchen. I find a note on the counter, my mom had already gone off to work and left me to make sure my siblings got to the bus on time. All the more responsibility for me. My brothers run into the kitchen then, ages 10 and 12. They run in laughing at some random thing they must have shared back in the room. I just stand and admire their freedom. What would I give to be that young and innocent again, to not have a care in the world. I pray they get to keep that joy, not having to experience the pain i have to. Yet life don't always work out that way, it likes to throw its worst at you.
I quickly snap out of my daydream, seeing the time. It's time to get the boys to the bus stop, so I gather their things and walk them down to the bus stop. My bus doesn't come for another 10 minutes. So I just stand there and wait patiently, having a deep, void, sick feeling in the depth of my stomach. I do not anticipate the day at all, and especially the bus ride to hell. I quickly turn around as I hear a vehicle approaching fast. As if trying to race the bus behind it, my only friend is speeding up beside me. Andy has been my closest, and quite frankly only, friend since the 7th grade. He's had my back through thick and thin. Andy visited me a couple times in the hospital, and has apparently known the dread i must feel waiting for the bus.
"Hey, hurry up and get in. Unless you plan on riding that," gesturing behind him. I quickly throw my stuff thru the back window and hop in next to him. Andy starts to drive off, making sure to avoid colliding with the bus. "Didn't think you wanted to ride with others staring," he says. "No I'm glad you came to pick me up, I was dreading that ride. But what I dread the most is the day." Andy frowns and replies, "yea they been talking at the school, asking questions as to what happened with you." "What you tell them?" I asked. "Nothing much figured I didn't want to start any new rumors, so I just avoided answering any questions." "Good," I replied. We enjoyed the rest of the ride in silence.
We park at the school, my stomach knotting up more than ever before. Soon as I step foot through those doors, all hell will be loosed in my life. Yet its inevitable. So I grab my bag and head toward the doors with Andy by my side. As we reach the doors, Andy places a hand on my shoulder and whispers;"I got you, don't stress too much." I nod reassuringly, while a hurricane of emotions roars through my being. Then the doors open. I duck my head and walk quickly to my locker. I can feel the eyes on me as the halls go quiet. As if they were seeing a ghost, which in some regards was true.
I get to my locker and open it up. Inside I see a few notes, not many considering I was never popular in school. I push them aside to be collected later on after school. "Some of the students were concerned when they heard what happened," Andy said from behind me. I jumped a bit, totally forgetting he was behind me the whole time. "I will see you at lunch, gotta get to my class now. But if you need me for any reason just shoot me a text and i'll find you." I nod, appreciative of his offer. "See you in a bit," I replied.
I get to my class and find the seat furthest to the back I can find. I sit quietly and reluctantly give in to the thought of a bad day. I lose myself in my thoughts as the class begins, going into a world of my own. I spend all morning in this trance like condition, not wanting to face reality. All up till lunch. Instead of heading to the cafeteria, I go out to Andy's car; asking that he join me for lunch outside. I had to have a break from hell, if just to remember what light felt like. So Andy comes out of the school and to his car with a look of concern on his face. He tries to hide his concern for me, but he doesnt realise how terrible of an actor he is. It almost makes me smile thinking about his terrible acting skills. No thanks to his audition for the school play last year.
Andy attempted to join the school play, seeing that he needed some extra stuff to do. However he didnt realise how hard it would be to keep a straight face. It was supposed to be a serious, sober play. One that would make you reflect on life, but not to Andy. Not even 5 minutes into the script, he laughs at the language of the play. He thought it was hilarious how they were to act. Needless to say he didn't make it, and has since been just as terrible.
I quickly snapped back to reality when I heard my name called. "Michael, you ok?" "yea, just thinking bout stuff," I quickly said. Didn't want to make him feel bad for trying. "Everything going ok in ur classes?" he asks. "Bout as ok as can be, just felt like I needed some fresh air. That place is just depressing for me." I then looked at my phone, it was time to get back to class. "I'll meet you after school lets out, gonna need a ride home," I told him. "Sure thing, see you then." I got up and headed back to class, ready for this day to be over already.
The day passed by slowly, as if time was just against me. All the way till the bell rang for the day. I was the first one out the door and to my locker. I was so ready to get out of there. I gather my books, and the notes in my locker; heading for the car. Andy meets me shortly after, and we head to my house. I thank him for the ride before turning around and walking up to my house. I head to my room and shut the door, my brothers won't be home for a bit. They're hanging out at a friends house after school, and my mom is working a double shift. So I got the house to myself for a bit. I then decided to open up the letters I received. The first one I opened held my attention, saying 2 words: "You failed" -Anonymous.