Wanted (Ohmwrecker x reader) ~COMPLETED~

I've Learned To Lose

°(Y/N) POV°

I've always known what it was like to lose something I wanted most.
Lose something I tried to keep to myself.
Lose something I knew I deserved.

I would always keep to myself when given the chance.
Always hide away.

When the other women would gossip and read and draw and dance to unknown music, I would sit alone, making paper airplanes or learning how to make a origami bird.

I always wanted to fly when I was little, because then I could fly away from that place.
Fly away from the punishment, the rules, the auctions, the empty rooms with corners far too dark to belong in a white room.

Fear and pain is inevitable in a child, even past adolescence... but I had always told myself that life was like a fucked up football game. Whatever life throws at you, you either take it and run with it, or you get tackled to the ground.
I learned to turn away from a world that never reached out to pull me back.

I grew up naïve, hopeless, and broken, always trying to find an easy way out.
But that's something you fail to realize until it's a little too late.

There is no easy way.

Even when it's all too much to hold together in your arms, you're expected to throw it onto your back for later until the weight of your mistakes, fear and anxiety come crashing down all at once.

No one ever said it would be easy.
But no one ever said it would be this painful.
This heavy.
This dark.
This cold.

Take it and run with it...

It's the only way to make it anymore.
The only way to survive.

But when you lose someone you love, it's like losing a limb during battle.

The hardest part about letting go of them isn't saying goodbye...its learning to live without them.

Learning to live with one less hand to hold.
One less smile to see.
One less shoulder to cry on.
One less hug to give.
One less 'I love you'.

Time is a friend.
And it's your worst enemy.

So much of it goes into healing.
So little of it goes into destroying you.

Because no matter how much I tore my shirt to stop the bleeding, no matter how much I begged, no matter how hard I cried, it wouldn't stop her from leaving...

It wouldn't stop the trembling, bloody fingers that wiped at my wet face only to leave darker stains. It wouldn't stop the last "I love you" from slipping out of her parted lips.

Sitting next to her body, shaking and frozen all at once, holding her now still, cold hand was a new kind of pain.
A new kind of loss.

Even when I was pulled into a large set of arms and held tight enough to drop dead weight, the emotional novocaine was unlike any other kind of numb.

It was enough to make you deaf, blind and mute in minutes.

Ryan picked me up bridal style and carried me outside to the backyard garden I had never gotten to explore.

It held roses, lilies, cherry blossoms, tulips, sunflowers, daisies, and thousands of others. All the perfectly coordinated colors separated into a pathway that lead to a giant fountain with a statue of a mother and baby girl in front of the cascade of water the fell behind it.

The beauty was clear, but that didn't make it a band aid.

Ryan sat down on the ledge of the fountain, holding me like a baby while I felt mists of the fountain against the side of my face.

Everyone had brought my mother out with us, wrapped in colorful blankets. As they walked towards us, each of them picked a flower and stuck it to the blankets, decorating my mother with the brightest of flowers.
Covered in nothing but beauty.
That's how she came into this world.
And that's how she'll leave.

I couldn't cry anymore, it only came out as dry hiccups and whimpers.

Before I could question what was happening next, Brock, Craig, Mark, Cory and Delirious came with shovels and began to dig directly in front of the fountain.

Dashie grabbed hands with Fitz and Amy, and they grabbed hands with Lani and Glitch and Andi, until everyone formed a circle with an opening for Ryan and I.
Dashie lead a prayer, following every verse with "Lord I pray".

Ryan rocked me back and forth, and I could feel his tears fall into my already wet and bloodstained face.

As I looked around, I realized everyone was crying.

When the digging was finished, mom was lowered into the ground, causing a few louder cries from the girls and even a couple guys.

The hardest part was burying her, and that's when the prayer broke into slurred "amens" and tighter held hands.

Finally it was finished, and everyone began to come towards Ryan and I, open arms and puffy eyes, crowding into us until the entire family was entagled in a long and mournful embrace.

Nothing would ever replace the mother I had to learn to live without, but nothing could ever replace the family that I learned to be apart of.

Time is an enemy.
But it's also your friend.

Take it and run with it.

Goodbye mom, rest easy angel.