Never Grasp Hard Enough

Chapter 4

Unedited.

Inanna

"Miss Kevorkian, will ummi be in heaven? My cousin said that ummi can't go to heaven because she isn't die by others but by herself. They said someone who killed themselves will never go to heaven. Ummi is in heaven right, miss Kevorkian?" Herman, a little boy who always isolated himself from the other kids. He never has a friend. We always monitored him. I've tried all I could to make him feels as loved as he deserved.

Both of us were sitting on a bench in front of the kindergarten. Ahead of us, placed a playground where all the other kids were playing together right now. The playground was filled with the piercing voices of the kids, the screaming of their excitement, their contented laughter and the happy face of the joy they felt.

After a brief look at the kids, I looked back at the little boy that sat beside me here.

Contrary to the others, he always had his head down. Never cry. Never laugh out loud. Always with his void of emotions face. Sometimes, he glued his eyes to the ground longer than any other time. He did smile at times but not so much.

He has been raised up in a family who believe the existence of God, the devil, angels, heaven and hell.

Truth be told, he has the most beautiful smile. We never heard of his laughter but I was pretty sure that it would definitely sound even more beautiful than mine.

I caressed his head softly. His mother was died when he was almost three years old. She was committed suicide. I didn't really know for sure on what was actually the reason that made her made the decision to commit suicide. I just heard some rumors saying that she has a trauma about her past. As she got older, the deepest nightmare of her past kept on haunting her making she lost almost all her sanity. She decided to kill herself because she didn't want to make everything worsen for her family. But, none of us know, what is the actual reason behind her act.

I was too drown in my own thought without realizing that I was yet to answer Herman. I tried to smile to Herman even though it was just a weak smile I could give to him. I still smiled.

I didn't know whether he was waited for me to answer him or not because this entire time, he just let his head down while his fingers were playing with the hem of his clothes.

"Herman," I tried to steal his attention to look at me but he still hung his head down. Hence, I decided to just answer him.

"Don't believe in anyone who makes you feel down. Yes, your mother has killed herself but that doesn't mean she didn't have the chance to be in heaven. He is forgiving, Herman. His words are powerful. If He says that your mother goes to heaven, she will go to heaven. No matter what sins she committed. Remember to just pray for the best of your mother's soul. You got it?" I smiled at him. And that's the first time he lifted up his head to look at me.

His eyes, his nose, his cheeks and even his ears were all in a deep shade of pink. I knew that he tried to conceal everything he felt. I knew that he tried so hard to hold back the tears because he once told me that his brother always scolded him whenever he cried. His brother said that men don't do crying things. As a boy, he has to look tough, strong and unbeatable.

I just tried to comfort him because at a very young age, he already has to grow up without his mother to cherish him. Even though he still has his father, it was not the same as when you had a complete one.

It's true after all. Of what I has said to him. Growing up with a belief where you will go to heaven if you do good things only and the bad ones will go to hell making this little boy felt so sad because of how much he wanted his mother to go to heaven, living a happy life with Him.