The Best of Billy: a compilation.

to all the boys i've loved before (from my love my life).

dear number one,

J, you taught me this one. you made me weak, you taught me betrayal and pain and you made me believe in liars. you taught me that love is weakness, especially the first. you showed me young love, pain and heartbreak. you taught me that some people just have to wait.

dear number two, D, you taught me the short fling. the honeymoon period ending before the trip. you taught me passion and flaws and reinforced the identity of betrayal. you showed me the humour, the wild exciting ride of life. while an illusion, you taught me i needed to find my own, alone and look what that shown.

dear number three, S, you taught me the simple, common love. the boring but satisfying, flawed yet calm love. the third betrayal exemplified, it seemed that's all i met. you taught me that the mind is a wicked place - and though not understanding, you found peace within it to find peace within yourself. you taught me a broken kind of love, a love of pity but care, and you taught me that i didn't really want to be there.

dear number four, J, this is what everything is for. you taught me everything. betrayal was there: from me this time. hurt so many times and now i guess im the one who cut the knife. however betrayal from your side was deep. betrayal of the mind, betrayal of my heart, carelessness and toxicity and the blade of the sharp tongue. you taught me my strongest love, one in which i was helpless, broken and needed you. but you didn't need me, and i found myself in limbo. i became the monsters who had broken my heart before: boys 1, 2 and 3. and now im the monster - just like them, but don't forget you're still number 4. you broke me like nobody had done before. the power of manipulation, the neglect and the strength of intimidation. you taught me not only to hate myself in a way that is my fault also, but to let me love you whilst not loving myself.

to all the boys ive loved before, i dont want to thank you. i can thank myself. because ive loved and ive lost and died and ive cried.

to all the boys ive loved before,

i need to learn to love myself more.

P.S: to all the boys that got away, i hope we meet again, someday.