All in my head

The Park

I woke up around seven o'clock and had a shower which was insisted by my Mum. There I was, sitting in my garden doing almost nothing. It was winters so I was dressed in my hoodie. It's not that cold out there so I managed in it. My eyes were as usual- puffy and dark from under them. I was waiting for Mum to arrive outside. We both had to go for shopping to a mall that we went to almost every time we needed to buy something. The idea of shopping was planned by Mum as she wanted me to get out of the little space of my room and just go out and have some fresh air in my lungs.
"Let's go. Get in the car." I heard Mum's voice from behind me, excited.
I next to the driver's seat as I am not allowed to drive because last time I drove, it turned out to be an accident. My parents were extremely strict about that.
We arrived at the mall after a long and non-talkative drive which was at times initiated by Mum but I didn't reveal any interest.
"Just go around and take anything you need. When you're done purchasing, call me. I'll meet you right here."
"Okay." I said and I headed towards the candies section.
I love candies and I hadn't been able to eat them for over a month. I was so busy contemplating on my own thoughts that I forgot how to make myself happy. That was the opportunity to do it right. I saw the black and white candies wrapped up in a transparent cellophane paper and I stepped forward to take a look at them. They were in a little white basket. I like them so I took it with me. I saw chocolates all around but they couldn't interest me much. After buying the black and white candies as I was about to leave the store I was foiled by a lady on my left.
"Excuse me ma'am. We have a very nice face massage for you. It really helps with tired eyes and-"
I stopped her in the middle. "I don't need a massage." I suppose she chose me because of my puffy eyes which are there on my face because I don't sleep.
"It's for free ma'am. I swear it will be quick and it's really relaxing. It works on dark cir-"
"Hey, I'm sorry. But I seriously don't need anything like that right now." I went out of the store. I reckon I was polite enough to her.
I didn't know what to do next so I went into a shop to buy some clothes for me next. I don't try my clothes on whenever I buy them because I always wear sweatshirts and sweatpants or sometimes jeans and a tee. It completely depends on my mood. I tend to see the price of course. If it's too expensive I don't take it.
After buying two sweatshirts and three tees by randomly picking those purely based on color choice I was feeling hungry.
I love restaurants that serve tea and anything to eat with it. I specifically like a cheeseburger. I entered this restaurant named 'Tea by Tea' and I entered it only because I saw the word tea written over there. I was searching for a table when I saw a vacant one right in the corner. I walked to it before anybody else gets there while I was also checking my Instagram. As I was about to reach there, someone pulled out the chair. I stopped right in front of the table and the guy looked at me. It's that guy I saw crying inside his car.
"Hi." His voice was hoarse.
"Hi... Uh... I'll go somewhere else." It was really awkward standing there.
"Wait." He called when I turned around. I guess he recognized who I am.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"You can sit with me if you want." He took the support of the chair while he asked me.
"It's okay. You don't have to do this." I tried to handle the situation.
"No seriously it's fine. Anyway there's no other table I can see from here... Sit." He smiled at me.
I was hesitant to sit with him but I finally gave in. "Okay." We both sat there quietly without saying a word. I quickly glanced through the menu. I laughed. He looked over me. "Sorry. They serve this thing called 'peeps' here."
"Funny." He remarked. Oh God!
When the waiter arrived I asked him to give me a tea and a regular cheeseburger. On the other hand, he ordered a medium black coffee with breadsticks and chicken sandwich.
When the waiter had gone he spoke to me. "What's your name?"
"Hmm?" I didn't hear him.
"Your name?" He repeated for me.
"I'm Aura." I nodded. He was not very charming but he definitely got nice half straight half curly hair wrapped with a head band. He's good looking but not very beautiful. Not to miss out, he's got quite puffy eyes too. As a matter of fact they're green but mine are just dark brown. He's very tall as well and I look like a kid in front of him. If someone looked at us they'd definitely be feeling like we're two drug addicts sitting and talking.
"That's a very nice name to be honest." I was flattered.
"Oh thank you." I nodded again.
"I'm Hale." He smiled.
"Are you the same guy from the hospital? I can be wrong." I wasn't a hundred percent sure that it was him.
"Yeah you're right. It was a strange meeting, right?" He spoke at an extremely slow speed. Very slow!
"Right." I sunk my head low with embarrassment.
"This is your tea and your burger. This is for you, sir, your coffee, sandwich and your breadsticks." The waiter placed our food on the table.
"So have you been taking therapy too?" He sipped his coffee.
"Yeah." I bit my lip. I don't like lettuce at all so I took it out of my burger and he spoke again. "Which doctor are you consulting?"
"I don't remember it correctly but I think it's Dr. Larren or maybe Larsen." My eyes narrowed in thoughtfulness.
"Yeah he's Larsen. He's a friend of the one I'm meeting."
"Oh." I continued to eat my burger with my fork and knife. This bizarre feeling had caught me in my stomach and got me feeling giddy. I am eating my breakfast with a stranger. It's a little strange but it's fine as he seemed to be a good person and we're also at the same page of life: depression.
"Can I ask you something?" I blurted out those words.
"Sure." He allowed.
"Are you depressed?"
"Depression is just a word. But the things that I go through every day are a bit too much than just depression."
"That's quite relatable." I really meant it.
There was a pause. "How long has it been?" I asked.
"What? Do you mean the therapy?" He asked.
"Yup." I nodded.
"One day." He chewed his breadstick for a moment and spoke again. "It was my decision to see him. I decided it when everything was getting too much for me."
I still nod and leave it there.
"What about you?" He smiled.
"That was my first one too... And my Dad wanted me to experience it for once."
"Are you depressed too?" He smiled.
"You can say that."
"What does that mean?"
"Just like you said, depression is a just a word. But there are more things that put me through hell and not just my mind."
"You're pretty deep, aren't you?"
"Might be." I laughed. He laughed too.
We ate without talking and I could feel the awkwardness between us. "So what are you going to be doing after this?"
"Probably go home and sleep."
"That means you're free." He raised an eyebrow.
"Yes."
"Hang out with me. Em... I'm going to be going to a park that I visit every Saturday. It'd be fun if you came." His eyes sparkled through the deep patch of sleepiness stuck around them.
"I've not had fun since a very long time. I'm not sure if I'd really enjoy."
"Even I haven't had fun since a very long time. I think we should try at least once." He was looking straight into my eyes.
"I don't even know you." I smiled it off.
"Now we know each other. To be honest, I know you. I mean I've seen you a couple of times."
"I'm sorry but I don't remember you."
"You gate crashed a party that my friend threw at his house." He was savage with those words. My mouth was left open.
"I... Uh... when exactly did you see me?" I asked.
"Probably the last week. I was there too."
I took my time to think and moved my eyes around the huge room when I finally said, "Okay. I think this has been sufficiently awkward and..."
He smiled and put his head down until he finally pulled it back up and said, "Let's just have fun."
"Okay... Let's. Have. Fun." I looked into his eyes, smiling. We finished eating and drinking so we decided to pay the bill and go to the park. Hale insisted on paying my bill too so I let him. Meanwhile I called Mum and told her that I will be spending the rest of the day with Hale.
"Who's Hale?" She asked.
"He's a friend of mine... from school."
"Okay. Have fun." She hung up, seeming pretty happy.
"Why'd you lie?" Hale asked me after paying the bill.
"It doesn't matter. Let's get out." I pointed outwards with my thumb, feeling embarrassed.
Hale took me to his car that was parked in the parking Lott and we were driving to the place he had chosen to visit.
"Could you turn the heater on, I'm freezing?"
"It's already on." He glanced at me with surprise and for a second he broke his attention from driving to give it to me.
"Bloody hell." I laughed through the words. He laughed too.
"Can I just say something?"
"Sure." He was affirmative with a smile.
"I'm not joking on this one but I've seriously just laughed right now for the first time in this month."
"It's an accomplishment. I'm very proud that you've made your way out of the hiatus." I thought it was a joke he just made. I didn't laugh. I smiled instead. "I'm sleeping. Wake me up when we're there."
He said, "Alright." I closed my eyes gently and endeavored to sleep which was the biggest problem with me. After my ten minutes slumber I woke up and found myself still in the car. I wondered where we were going and Hale suddenly pulled over. "Are we there?" I asked him as I jumped on the seat.
"Yeah I'm just parking right here so we can..." He unbuckled his seatbelt and continued. "So we can go."
After he had parked I moved in order to get out of the car but he stopped me. "Wait." He got out of the car and opened up the door for me. I froze for a second. "Nobody has ever done that for me." He smiled when I said, "Do that again." I closed the door.
"Okay." He laughed at what I had done. Opening the door for me again he snorted a little.
"Thank you." I got out of the car and stumbled on my feet.
"Careful." He spoke with his hoarse voice; holding my hand.
"I'm feeling a little woozy right now."
"Do you want to sit? They've benches here."
"I don't mean it that way. It's like... It's just a phrase to express how shocked I am." He gave a confused expression to what I said and I tried to make things clear for him. "I mean I was so much intimidated by everything around me and now it's different. I'm walking with you here in the park and... I'm not inside my bedroom all alone. It's strange." He did not say anything, "It's okay if you don't understand. I get a bit deep sometimes." I smiled it off.
"I understand, really. I know what deep means. Trust me I've been through that shit and I'm still going through it."
"Hmm..."
"Won't you ask about the details?"
"No. I think you might want to tell me on your own."
Pause.
"I think we should sit down." I demanded.
"On the grass?" He asked.
"What's wrong with the grass?"
"Nothing." he sat down and I followed him.
"What's one superpower that you wish you had?" I pressed my lips into a thin line.
"To influence people's mind perhaps because a lot of people don't get me. So I think if I had that power I'd make people understand me better. What about you?"
"I'd want it to be an ability to bring back the dead and specifically the people I love. I suppose that would be the greatest power anyone could ever have and I bet no one has ever thought of it. But if someone had, they're most welcome on my team."
"Who did you lose?"
"It doesn't matter now." I shook my head looking down on the grass that surrounded my feet.
"It's a nice power to have by the way. Why haven't I thought of that one?" He smirked.
"Maybe it's because there are other more important things in your life that you want or want to get rid of. Nobody has the same desires as everyone else." We became quiet for a while.
"When I was at school, I had this major singing thing going on and I was forced to participate in it. At that moment I was trembling as I was informed about it just a few minutes before the competition had to start. It was massive. In front of the whole school I was the one who had to sing a song I had never heard before."
"You could've just said no." I suggested.
"I couldn't have done that."
"Why?" I asked.
"There were two people who actually auditioned for this and one of them was me."
I laughed at it, making a sound from my lips.
"I was the only one they were rooting on. Somehow I managed to memorize the song but the stage fright, oh God. It's inexplicable what I was going through."
"How old were you then?" I blinked twice.
"I was in fifth grade."
"Damn you were little."
"So I went up to the backstage and confirmed that was it really me? A teacher came to me and said that I had to do this and there's no way I can say no."
"So how did it go?"
"It was okay. When I entered the stage I was literally shivering but when I started to sing everybody hooted. I still don't know why. That was what triggered me to pick music as a hobby. Ever since then I've been singing."
"So you're a musical man."
"Yeah I'm a musical man."
"Can you play the guitar?" I personally love the people who play guitar. It's my favorite instrument. I had one too but I couldn't learn how to play it as I was too lazy to do something like that.
"Yes I can."
"Cool. You're a talented guy. I wonder how you ended up in a psychologist's room." My eyes become narrow. He turned his eyes away from me. He was looking somewhere on his right. "Do you want to listen to something I created?"
"I must say I'd love to." He seemed happy. He briskly went through the playlist in his iPhone while I waited, sitting right next to him.
For the next half hour I was listening to his music compositions. I complimented him and he thanked me back for it. He unknowingly put his hand on my lap and I didn't seem bothered. Our proximity level was very close. I noticed it easily but he didn't. He was unperturbed by his actions and my suppressed reactions.
"I wrote this song for my second girlfriend."
"Well, I've never had a boyfriend so I don't know how that feels. But it's good."
"You seriously don't know anything about music, do you?" He made a comment on my absurd remark.
"Uh... No". We talked about other few things and this and that for a while. He told me about his other stories related to music. That was when we exchange our phone numbers.
We then moved on to our 'kind of adult' talks. "I don't drink at all." I said.
"Why don't you drink?"
"It's such an uncool thing to do. I mean you just drink something that tastes horrible and then you get high on your life and in the morning you wake up with a hangover. It's disgusting."
"I think you're speaking against me because I love drinking." He emphasized the word 'love'.
"Good for you. But honestly, if I ever get free alcohol for the rest of my life I'm just going to deny it..." He looked with a dejected face so I changed my words, "...Or maybe give it to you."
We laughed.
"If you don't mind... Can I say something?" He asked me.
"Go ahead or you're going to hurt your stomach by keeping it inside." I commented, slyly.
"You're kind of funny. Like... really funny... and dope as well."
"What?" I laughed it off, amused.
"And you know what you're like a mixture of Bella, specifically from eclipse and sponge bob square pants." He said as he grinned.
"No..." I retorted. "I am more like, 'would you have a cup of tea?' and 'fuck you!'" My voice was extremely sweet when I said the line with 'tea' and it was stern when I said the 'f' word.
"How long have we been here?" I asked him suddenly. He seemed startled as he didn't have a clue. "I think it's been two hours." His hoarse voice whispered as he checked the time on his iPhone.
"I have to go home to have my medicines." I carefully placed my iPhone back in my pocket.
"I'll drop you." He wiped the grass off his back.
"It's okay I'll take a cab." I smiled it off.
"No. Stay. I'll drop you at your house."
I bit my lip. "Okay." I surrendered and gave him information about my address.
He was driving at his normal speed and I saw a poster on the end of the street. "What is that?" I smirked and smiled at the same time.
"It looks like a funny porno promotion poster." He grinned while he turned his face to me.
"Have you been reading a combination of comics and porno?" I glared at his face.
"Nope. I've just been trying to act a bit happy lately." He pressed his lips tightly.
"Does porno make you happy?" I grimaced.
"It doesn't make me happy. I don't watch it. But since everybody has seen it once in their life, I can relate to it in a funny way." That's the fastest he had ever spoken to me. Usually he spoke like a slo-mo video shot on his phone. It's a bit irksome at time when I can't wait and he's still on with his unrushed and ponderous words.
"I don't care."
"Oh you don't, really?" He smiled a one sided smile.
"Yes. But the only thing I care about is your sluggish and snail-like velocity of speaking. It's a bit galling."
"So does that mean that I annoy you?" He joked; I know he was joking, of course.
"You don't annoy me but sometimes you speak too slow that I get bored in the conversation. I hate boredom." I slyly smiled.
"You're crazy."
"So does that mean that I look mad?" He knew I was teasing.
He laughed. "Whatever you think is right." Our laughter was like two little kids playing pranks on each other. He had managed to make me laugh at this point of my life when I was seeking therapy from a psychologist. Sorry, therapist.
"Actually we are crazy and... mad. After all we're taking psychotic therapy."
"Do you listen to music?" He asked under his breath.
"Of course I listen to music. Who doesn't?" I made a face.
He bent forward to play a song from his pen drive in the car. I know this song! I started humming it and he noticed me.
"You know the song?" He was surprised. "I thought you might not like the old music."
"That's my favorite song of all time." The chorus came into play and both of us just started singing it. Because I've had the time of my life. No I never felt this way before. Yes I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you. We both just split our sides as hell. "Now I can say that I am having actual fun after a long time." My face was lit up with merriment and the song was almost about to fade off.
"I love the movie... Dirty dancing is like the best movie ever made on this planet." He shook his head in exhilaration.
"I disagree." I pointed out and the next song was playing. I don't know what song it was.
"What? Why?" He's objected.
"I like the song of the movie but I certainly do not love the movie. I like it but I don't love it."
"Oh come on. Leave it; you won't understand my feelings for the movie."
"Okay yo."
"What's okay yo?" He's confused.
"I invented this word." Proudly, I kept my statement.
"And what does it mean?" He's amused.
"It means okay yo."
"Exactly. I don't know what okay yo means." He blinked softly.
"Okay means okay and Yo means... no problem. Collectively it means okay no problem." He was silent and pressed his lips tightly so I spoke again. "I invented this because 'okay no problem' was a very long thing to type on a message." I shrugged and a grin appeared. He rolled his eyes and breathed out heavily showing that I've let him down.
"When did you invent this, Aura?"
"Last year to be precise."
"When was the last time you used this phrase and how did that person reacted to it when he or she heard your reason behind inventing 'okay yo'?"
"I..." I got lost into my own thoughts. This had made me remember something I had forgotten for a few hours. I took deep breaths and I saw everything moving around me. I think I'm going to faint. I took a breath again and Hale spoke to me. "Tell me, Aura." I could see that his eyes were on the road, focused for not getting us into an accident.
"Aura?" He spoke again but I heard it in a dull sound. "Aura?" He spoke again while his eyes were still on the road. I felt extremely dizzy and I took deep and slow breaths. Hale had noticed that I was a bit uneasy with my health so he pulled over. When he did that, our car almost got hit by another car but by God's grace we were safe. I finally came back to the normal. Gasp!
"Woah!" Hale's expression was disastrous. "Are you alright? You're frightening me and we almost got ourselves killed."
"I was... lost into some thought."
"Be careful. You scared me to death." He smiled but I could sense fear in his eyes.
Phew! I was back again and he was relieved.
"Just get me to my home quickly. I need my medicines." My face was expressionless and motionless as well.
"We're almost there." He spoke as he started the engine. Hale was an understanding guy. He knew that I wasn't well so he did not speak anything for the next five minutes after which we had reached my home. I unbuckled my seat belt and as I was about to get out of the car I turned around and gave him a tight hug. I closed my eyes and felt him embrace me as well, slowly of course. I was dazzled by his way of doing everything.
"I like you." I got back in the funny mood and gave him a fist-bump on his head. "And thank you for making me have 'fun'." I nodded.
He smiled and gave me the fist-bump back on my forehead. "Ow!" I made a funny face. He laughed at this. "Thank you. I never knew I could make someone have 'fun'." He handed me my shopping bags from the back seat.
"Bye." I got out of the car. I didn't look back at him and went inside my house but I knew that he was still there. Only when I enter the house I heard him start the engine. I was in a happy mood so I went into the kitchen and asked Mum what she's cooking for lunch. She was cleaning the dishes and answered that I can order a pizza if I want. "Okay." I replied and went to my room.
The pizza arrived just in time I was about to take my medicines. I ate it and decided to lie on my bed. My eyes were wide open and I was musing to myself all the things that have happened and all the things that could've happened.
Some time passed by just lying down on the bed and it was six thirty in the evening when I got a message from Hale. "Knock, knock." I saw it and I was really happy. He might just text something funny to distract me from the weariness in my life.
"Who's there?" I replied.
"Spell." He sent another message.
"Spell who?" I asked again.
"Okay." His message left me confused until I got another one. "W-H-O!" He actually spelt the word 'who' and I was having a hard time to think what I should reply. I gave him the laughing emoji with a drop of sweat on his forehead. "What are you doing, Aura?" He replied after a while.
"Talking to you." I replied.
"Okay. What were you doing before you were talking to me?"
"I must say that you're very interested to know what I do all day."
"I am actually."
"You're going to get into trouble if you talk to me when I am at home." My motive was to tease him and push him away too.
"Why?" he replied.
"You're going to be in trouble. There's no way you can escape it."
"Are you already with someone who's muscular and goes to the gym? You know what I mean. Is he going to hit me?" I could sense the cumbersomeness in the situation.
"No. I don't date people until I have a confirmation that they won't die. But even if I had, won't you be scared of getting hit by him?"
"I won't be scared Aura." He was confident.
"Why? Are you superman that you think you're invincible?"
"I might not be afraid to get into a fight for a girl if she's there to kiss my wounds later." I was so flattered by this.
"WHAAAAATTT!! I am not going to kiss your wounds. Ew."
"It wasn't literal and I don't want you to do that." He gave the text after a minute.
"But you're going to be hurt, right?" I was confused.
"But you're not with someone, right?" I went into a deep thought for a moment as he was saying these things I've never heard from someone before.
"Well, that clearly means that I am not going to kiss your wounds and that is the only reason I am happy." I felt like I've defeated him. I also left a smirking emoji and he gave a smiling one. The decision to not reply him after that was so affirmative that I switched my phone off and lay on my bed, motionless, again. I had to agree that it's a bit daunting at times when you start to grow the proximity of a certain kind of relationship with someone. There are a lot of things to worry about; abandonment is the first one. The rest of the time just passed by and it was ten o'clock in the night when I had dinner alone in my bedroom as I wasn't feeling socially well to present myself in front of my parents. I could be with Hale or Sara if I had the chance to but not with anyone else. I heard some good music on my headphones and dived into a sea of new thoughts that made me feel sleepy without inducing any trace of sleep.
If biology could explain my life then it would be something like this: It was like my heart was put open with my lungs tied to an electrocuted chair and I was forced to live, along with some moments where I got chocolates to eat but not to forget that I wasn't not able to digest any of it. That was my life at that moment. I always tried to reminisce how it felt when I had my heart inside me and it would beat to the most beautiful rhythm. But suddenly it had stopped and would beat occasionally to give me a little bit of false hope.