extracts from books I'll never write

tea

Tea

one stormy Saturday night I sat in bed
couldn't sleep
because it was cold and the shivers kept me awake

I sat there quietly
next to a steaming cup of tea
fully awake
thinking about you

and my thoughts made it worse
made the pain worse
the unsustainable pain and hurt
that had settled where my heart once has been

if someone asked me what it felt like
I wouldn't be able to describe the feeling
so I just said that it felt cold
colder as any ice I've ever touched

not a cold that hurt
it wasn't the cold that caused the pain
it was a cold that remembered me of something
of the look it your eyes

and the memory was stuck in my head
that's what hurt me

I remember seeing you for the first time
completely blown away by you

and I remember seeing you for the last time
the bored expression in your eyes

you didn't say anything that hurt me
you didn't do anything

but I did
my imaginations and dreams hit me hard
as they clashed together with the bitter reality
and I shattered

it all was my fault

and the scary thing is
that I'd do it again

for you

because all the imaginations and dreams of you
created a feeling in my chest
that I imagined to be called love

and I wanted to share it with you so badly
but you didn't even see me
weren't even interested

so I still keep that feeling inside my chest
treasuring it for the future

because in my imaginations
you'll see me one day

and not a single thought of you
dream about you
hope for you
would be wasted

and that's why I sat there
and drank tea every evening

to warm this precious feeling
that made me as happy as it hurt me

to protect it from the coldness
that captured my body
when I thought about the boredom in your beautiful eyes

that's the reason why I drank tea in the evenings

right before I fell asleep
dreaming of you

[03/03/19]