All I want.

10

Recap-

'I put in the polar express and laid Matt in my arms and fed him. Finally he fell asleep and I laid him on the open space next to me, And I too fell asleep.

I didn't have a dream, which ment Oliver was far, far away.'

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ALMOST TWO WEEKS LATER

Dec 19

                         I wake up to Matt crying, i pick him up and walk around the cold, empty house trying to calm him. I feel his head to check his temp and he feels like he is burning up. I take him upstairs and grab him a diaper and some clean clothes and go into the bathroom.

                       I bounce him on my leg as the water warms, maybe I should call Olly. I decide against it, because I realize he left us, and went far away, so far that i'm no longer having the dreams or even remotely remembering them. After giving Matt his bath, I get myself dressed and i get him loaded into the car. To the doctor we go.

                      At the doctor they take his temp, and it happens to be very high. 103.5 to be exact which is dangerous for babies. A doctor comes in, looking panicked. "Miss, little Matt here has bacterial pneumonia, and he needs to be taken to the closest NICU (newborn intensive care unit) right now. We will transport him and you in the ambulance to children's hospital."

                 Tears form in my eyes "okay, um just let me go get his bag from the car and my purse i'll be right back" I say nodding to the nurse holding him. I cry as I get to my car, how could I be so careless to let him get this sick. I get his diaper bag and my purse, along with a blanket I keep in my car. 

             As I get back in the building they have Matt loaded into the ambulance I climb in and hold his little hand. "Everything will be okay, mommy is here". I fought the urge to call Oliver, if he wanted to know, he'd call.

                 At the hospital they give him an IV in his tiny hand, he screams and cries as they take his clothes off and attach all these wires to him. Once they stop poking him and passing him around, they put him in a warmer. I slide the glass doors closed and I dim the lights as he starts to fall asleep.

I sing to him as he doses off, like Olly would if he were here.

"Loving you was young, wild, and free.

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet.

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound,

A steady place to let down my defenses,

But loving you had consequences."

                 I never saw myself as a mother, or as a girlfriend after what happened to me, I couldn't see my future until the dreams. Olly was my future, Matt was my future. Sometimes things don't go as planned, and I guess that's whats happening now. I don't know why i don't just call him.

          My fingers glide over the glowing numbers on my phone typing his number by heart. I put my phone to my ear, hearing it ring. Then cutting off by a robotic voice

"I'm sorry, the number you have reached has been disconnected, goodbye."

silence.

That's when i dialed his number.

"hello?"

me- "hey, it's me."

"Are you okay?"

me-"no.."

"where are you?"

me-"children's hospital."

"why?"

me-"long story"

"i'm on my way."

me-"room c166, NICU"

The call ended.

People make mistakes, and people repeat history, I guess i've gone rouge.