Friendsia

Chapter 2:

I can't really remember much of how this problem came about. I always blame it on them so to speak. It's been years I know that, and I know it started my freshman year, with hints of it. Small instances of fear and panic and different thoughts going through my head. Moments of me panicking in a dark room such as a movie theatre. As the years progressed, so did my head. The so called voices weren't very much voices to me but, second thoughts that shouldn't be there. Sometimes I can hear them saying things specifically but most of the time they just sound like a choir muffled behind a wall.

Sophomore year is blur, all of it. It's gone to me, I don't know what I did. Who I was friends with, what vacations I did that year. Or how my robotics team did that year. It's mostly gone. Absolutely no clue. People always say to me forgetting things are normal, but is it normal to lose a whole year? I had a boyfriend and a best friend and classes and a club that I enjoyed going to back then. I went to homecoming and prom that year even. But it's all gone. Because of them.

Junior year, is most of a blur too, but I remember a bit of the progress in my head region. I remember sitting in the cafeteria at school sitting with the band kids and just thinking to myself, cause no one talked to me. When this sensation came about, it started in the base of my head, at the back. It felt like there was a presence there. Like some ghost hand was holding my head ever so gently. Then this feeling would crawl its way down my neck and into my shoulders and I would shiver at the feeling.

At this point in life I was just living with the inconveniences that was my head, I had no clue what it was until I took a psychology class in high school, what year did I take it? Absolutely no clue again. But I just thought I was different or this is what everyone has. Weird feelings in my head and shoulders and random occurrences of what I believed to be panic attacks. But something happened. This one night something was wrong. Wrong with me. I was freaking out. People to this day ask me what does it mean to "freak out" I have no clue. Maybe their panic attack or anxiety attacks or just something special. But my whole being felt wrong like I didn't belong in this house, in this room, in this body even. I felt that I was shaking, but alas my body would show the signs of a normal sane human being. But my brain told a different story.

I mentally shook my hands were shaking in my vision my head felt like it was going to explode. There was so much pressure in my brain. And I could hear them. Coming from behind their wall, the congregation that is my voices came out and bestowed to me their message. I stood in my bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, I, in real life was fine and looked normal. My eyes and my brain saw something different. Out from the top left of my head stood a knife. Not some stupid butter knife, a big knife that your parents have but never use. My hand couldn't grab it. I couldn't wipe away the blood I could feel dripping down my head and down my face and neck. It sent shivers down my spine.

I sat down right there against my sink on the floor. And just fucking lost it. I was crying. Freaking out, hyperventilating, everything imaginable in a situation like this. This was the time I realized my head had a goal for me. And that was to kill me. Cause that whole time they were just whispering sweet nothings that I should go find that actual knife and make my hallucination real.

Now I have never hurt myself, except maybe punch walls in anger or when my head was screaming for me to hurt myself. The only give I gave them was to punch concrete walls. But this didn't stop them from making a montage of death scenes in my eyes. When it gets particularly bad, they might show me every possible thing I have seen on tv or thought of, or was forced to see by them, could run through my eyes and there'd be nothing I could do. Or I could just be standing by something that could trigger a certain death to show itself in my head. Like, let's say i'm standing by a road just making my way somewhere. There's no cars in sight, in reality, but in psychosis land there was cars everywhere. I was standing on the sidewalk, but hallucination me would be in the middle of the road getting hit by a car over and over and over and over and over and over again. There's people around, I can't show my fear, my emotions, I hide them and look somewhere else for a distraction, or the most common thing I do is talk to myself. Under my breathe you could just hear "It's okay, Christine. It's okay, Christine. Everything is gonna be okay," over and over again until I calm down. I could be in the public eye and have to keep walking or talk to someone like nothing happened. I have to man up and pretend i'm not terrified inside.

Sometimes you could find me in the kitchen late at night finding a snack, but i'd be standing in one spot staring off into space for what seemed to be hours, but were only minutes. Reason being id go to the pantry but right next to the pantry was the knife block with all the knives. Luckily for us we had two knife blocks side by side. I'd be frozen there and I didn't want to do it, they kept egging me to move and in defense I just froze myself in time and fought my head. Sooner or later I could just get a snack and leave the kitchen in quick time before they could take over again.

But these are just some instances from junior year, I can't seem to remember the rest, but please I know I can't remember all that I need to convince some people but all I want is for people to believe when I say I feel tortured by my brain, tortured by them.