Friendsia

Chapter 4:

It was another night later. I decided to go shopping and get some food to get away from that house of mine. Love it or hate it, I couldn't stand that house. The house itself was beautiful, breath-taking for anyone that I show it to. My dad built it when I was merely in elementary school. It was big and had plenty of rooms. With two stories and an unfinished basement. My room being the farthest away from the living room where my parents are almost always found.

I love my parents, I love my family, my grandparents, great grandparents, my cousins, and second cousins that I see every holiday. But my parents were my issue. Not my issue, their issue. They couldn't stand them, they couldn't stand my parents. They'd be discussing something with me, lecturing me, and my head would be on fire and screaming everything bad that they could. If my parents say even one tiny little thing that could make me feel bad about myself then it would repeat in my head 24/7. I'd never forget it til the day I die.

My dad once got on to me in a stern voice, only my head maximized the volume and I heard him scream at me, that I better never get C's in my life. I had just told him that I had one C in one class and that's when I heard the scream, "You better not!" before he said that I was in a joking manner, but not anymore. I'm depressed and loathsome of myself for disappointing my dad. Sooner or later I get enough lectures where they say things that could be taken in a very bad form and eventually I had a banter in my head running and running, over and over again.

You're not enough for your parents. They don't like you, they're not proud of you. They don't care about you. You never do enough in this house, this family, or in life at all. Just be done with it already Christine, they don't CARE about you. They wouldn't listen to your problems even if you told them, you piece of shit. You'll never amount to anything and they know that.

Everyone is screaming at me, just screaming at me! My parents lectures sounds like they're yelling at me. They're trying to be calm and reasonable about discussing things with me and what I'm doing wrong, I'm just doing everything wrong. I can't make them happy. They're always yelling at me over nothing. They never listen to me. They never actually listen to me, they think they're always right but they never account for how I feel, what I'm feeling or how what they are saying translates in my brain. They don't care. They just think they're right and I'm wrong and anything I have to defend or add to the discussion against me doesn't mean anything. They won't listen, don't even try it, Christine. You can never tell them your problems, you can never open up to them. They don't listen to you now, why would they listen to you when you tell them about us.

After a discussion or lecture from my parents, not after but in the middle of it, my head explodes in agony, pain and mental unwellness. I start to feel as if I'm dying, as if I'm melting in that spot in the room where they stare at me. I start losing my mind and my sanity. And all I can do is hold it in until the torture is over. After that I go to my room and cry in a corner and wait for my sanity to return to me.

But that's not right now, right now I'm driving to Target. And to McDonalds to get something to eat. I get to Target and just look around, trying to distract myself. I like to just walk around aimlessly when I get here. There's nothing better to do today, my homework is done, I'm caught up in all my shows and videos, I have no friends I can really hang out with or talk to. So I just wonder through this town. I look at the clothes that I can't afford, nor will my parents even pay to clothe me. I know they just want me to be an adult and learn to pay for stuff myself but it doesn't help my head when it tries to convince me that they don't care. Everything they do adds up and they can't see it. I know they mean well, I really do and I try to see that. But they're so blinding in how they scream and convince and repeat the same things over and over again. If you're told the same thing a hundred times a day eventually you will believe it. Luckily I split my listening between the real world and the things inside my head.