Lighter

f i v e

if being wrong's a crime,
i'm serving f o r e v e r . . .

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From time to time, my anxiety keeps me from doing things. Imagine that. The disorder may control my life, but it varies in how much control it actually has. Some days are better than others. Some nights, I can't even bear to breathe. It's all a part of playing the troubled role I was given in life – nerves come and go, but the anxiety is always there.

Jonah called me as I was sprawled out in my bed after an early, informal dinner. Aunt Farrah was going out with her friends for "Thirsty Thursday", Haleigh was with her little squad for a sleepover, and even my dad had plans. He wasn't with us for dinner since he decided to eat with his friends after work. Everyone had something to do but me, and this should've given me incentive to go out myself.

It didn't. I felt all the more reason to stay home, under my covers, away from the rest of the world.

"Come on, Sav. I invited a bunch of people to this. I'll be bummed if you don't come," Jonah's pleading voice crackled into the phone.

A frown morphing my face, I sighed, "I hate to let you down."

"So don't! Cheyenne said she gets done work at eight, and she wants to come straight from there. Tell her to scoop you up on the way," he made a plan for me. Just when I opened my mouth to protest again, he started speaking. "You never skip out on any of my gig's. Why is this different? All of us will be there, it's not like I asked you to come alone and stand in a giant crowd of strangers."

"I know," I mumbled.

"Pretty, pretty, pretty please?"

"Jonah," I tried to groan, but it came out more like a sad laugh.

As per usual, I had that familiar, uneasy feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach about tonight, simmering until it eventually came to a boil without warning. I couldn't explain it, though it's not like any of my friends would understand. They accept my flaws and we move past it, together. Usually they leave me be, other times they force me out of my comfort zone.

This was one of those latter times.

His begging went on for another two minutes before I finally gave in. The overjoyed shriek he let out had me pulling the phone away from my ear, shaking my head at how childish he could be.

"The first opener goes on around seven-thirty, then we should go on about an hour after that. If Cheyenne flies home from the mall, gets you, and comes right here, you should make it on time. I'll let Tommy know you guys are coming so him and Kurt can look out for you in the crowd." He rambled on so fast, it took me a few seconds to process everything he said.

I glanced at the clock and saw it was twenty minutes to seven, leaving me with plenty of time to get ready. "Alright, I'll see you later on then," I agreed, and I couldn't help smiling. His excitement was too contagious for my own good, no matter how antsy I was.

"Awesome!" He cheered. "Later."

It dawned on me then how quiet it was in my room. Without Jonah's blabbering, it felt claustrophobic. The warm, August-to-September-crossover glow from outside happily filled my walls, but not enough. I let out a shaky breath and hopped up from my bed, flicking on both the lights and the TV. Instantly, it was more comfortable.

Jonah's band was playing at a venue right outside of town, along with two other acts. Sometimes, depending on where the show is being held, we have to get tickets for the event. It's usually never a problem though, because Jonah is in the band and works his way with getting as many tickets as he can. Tonight was an exception, seeing as that it was free and open to anyone.