Lighter

e l e v e n

so i been thinking that i think
too much and i can't sleep,
but i can dream of u s . . .

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I was sitting in my Graphic Communications class when my phone started buzzing. My eyes remained hooked on the computer screen with Photoshop taking up its entirety because at first, I just assumed it was a text I'd gotten. The project I was trying to finish up that had been consuming my life for the past month was currently more important. It was a preview to what our final would be like, and me not being too interested in this aspect of my major wasn't helping me get it done.

Except my phone kept continuously buzzing on the tabletop, notifying me of a call.

Glancing down to see Tommy's name and picture on my screen, I debated whether or not I should answer it. The thought of it being an emergency crossed my mind, but knowing Tommy, it also could be something incredibly stupid. Either way my anxiety ate at me, my teeth gnawing at my thumbnail, until I found myself swiping right at the last minute to take the call. I needed to know what he was calling about or else I wouldn't rest.

The rest of the class kept working on their computers as I swiftly stood up from my rolling chair and left the room. My professor hardly noticed me leaving, and he clearly didn't care. I put the phone up to my ear as soon as I stepped through the door and shut it behind me, making my way to the bathroom.

"What's up?" I murmured, not wanting any other classrooms around me to hear my conversation.

"Hey, are you busy?" Tommy's familiar, cheery voice came from the other end. There was beeping in the background and some other garbled noises, which made me assume he was making lunch.

"Well, actually I'm in class," I chuckled as I entered the girl's room. "But I'm in the bathroom now."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. I needed a break from staring at the computer – I still have an hour left." I rubbed at my forehead and leaned against the sink counter top, shutting my eyes for a moment and still seeing the screen of my monitor.

He stopped to chew for a minute, rustling the phone around a bit until I heard breathing.

"Hi! It's Jonah," my musical friend chirped. I haven't heard his voice in so long that it instantly brought a smile to my face.

"Oh my God, how are you?" I grinned into the phone.

"I'm good! I had a day off so I thought I'd visit Tommy," he explained. There were more indecipherable sounds from their end, then Jonah's voice again. "You're on speaker now."

It dawned on me while listening to their babbling and laughter, boyish and squeaky as always, that I haven't seen either of them in quite awhile. The last time I hung out with them was over fall break, which was nearly a month ago. I had no idea how I'd been surviving without them all this time. Life got busy out of nowhere, which I guess was good because it was keeping me occupied and making sure I was anything but bored. For some people with anxiety, being busy meant double the stress and triple the nervous breakdowns. Thankfully for me, it meant being so focused on other things that my disorder took a backseat.

Nightmares and anxiety attacks weren't as much of a problem and I didn't even realize it. Between school, my family, Cheyenne, and everything else in between, I was unaware of the fact that this might be what it's like to live a normal life. One without the constant torture of having to walk on eggshells, for fear of a hideous bit of my past coming back to haunt me at any moment. One without having to constantly worry about everything.