Lighter

f o u r t e e n

in a dream, you appeared
for awhile you were here,
so i keep sleeping just
to keep you with m e . . .

⚡️⚡️⚡️

The funeral home was flooded with people. Faces I didn't recognize, too many family members to count, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and anyone else you could think of. They were everywhere; some crying, hugging one another, or laughing quietly about something to keep up the spirits.

All I could pay attention to was the overpowering aroma of the flowers that surrounded me as I stood by the casket. A beautifully intricate box that held my mother's lifeless body. I had to attend a few viewings and funerals in my life, of distant family members that I probably met when I was too young to remember. Never did I think I'd have to attend my own mother's viewing at just ten years old.

My hands were cold and folded in front of me. It was late March, which meant it was starting to warm up after our pretty mild winter, but it felt like I'd been freezing since that night.

"Hi honey." An angelic voice had me turning away from the hundreds of pastel flowers nearby to see a familiar woman. Pam Cook, one of my mom's good friends at work. A sympathetic expression was drawn on her face, matching the look her husband wore next to her.

"Hi," I peeped.

She instantly crouched down to wrap me in her arms, mumbling apologies into my hair. I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say back to her, and I'd never been that talkative anyway.

When she eventually let me go, she tucked her highlighted hair behind her ears and wiped at her reddening eyes. "Just know that's she's no longer in pain. She's in a better place now," she whispered to me. Then she stood back up and continued down the line of my immediate family members also standing by the casket.

But wouldn't a better place be with us? My juvenile brain couldn't comprehend the concept. I didn't understand why people lied to make you feel better. It never worked.

My grandmom was next to me, holding Haleigh in her arms and trying to keep my sister occupied so she wouldn't start crying or make a scene. She was devastated, just like the rest of us, and heartbroken at the loss of her daughter-in-law. But somehow, she seemed to be holding it together just fine. I wondered if it was something that came with age and someday, I might be as strong as her too.

The flow of guests didn't stop for quite some time. Most of them asked me about school and my friends, making it a little too obvious that they were only attempting to distract me from the disaster at hand. I went along with the conversations just to be polite, but kept them short and sweet. I never felt like talking in the first place, but to be forced to talk to a bunch of strangers at my mother's viewing was asking way too much.

Part of me wished I was in Haleigh's situation – she was too young to know what was going on, why she was in this weird-smelling building, or why all these people were here with us. She could hardly form a proper sentence, being three and all, let alone grasp the fact that her mother was gone forever.

What felt like hours later, the funeral director and my dad thanked everyone for coming. It was time for us to pay our last respects and leave, only to meet with the casket again tomorrow morning for the funeral, when my mom would officially disappear into the ground.

I stood by with my grandmom and Haleigh as some went up to say goodbye to my mother, then us, and then they were on their way. I watched a sobbing Aunt Farrah tremble the entire way up to my mother's body in the arms of my dad. The twins took awhile, but it was understandable why. The husband and the woman who was like a sister to my mom should take all the time they need to say goodbye.