Better Than Me

Chapter 16

chapter notes: okay, first things first. i'm really sorry this is so late. these chapter notes are accidentally really long but i wrote a tldr at the end if you have time. also please check out the calendar i put <3

i really needed to catch up on writing and i finally managed to do so but i'm sorry it took so long, a lot of stuff has been going on! 2019 is kicking my ass tbh! in the past couple months i've had a kidney infection, yeast infection, lots of medication changes, a shit ton of anxiety and more excuses i'm forgetting lmao. i'm really thankful i haven't been that depressed but it's been A Lot, Folks.

in short, my anxiety has gotten so bad that it is most likely going to hold me back from being able to accomplish one of my major goals that i've been wanting to achieve for a long time. i want it so bad, but my anxiety's getting to the point where it is dangerous and damaging both physically and mentally to my health, and it is going to get worse. it's been all i've been able to think about and i feel like if i'm not going to be able to accomplish it i will have nothing and have wasted a lot of my and other people's time. it fucking sucks. so i'm sorry that it's consuming me so much that it prevents me from giving you guys good content often enough and i really wish it wasn't happening. i don't want to go fully in depth bc i know you guys didn't come to read my life story you came to read btm but hopefully that explains a bit

i promise that my inspiration and drive to write has not died. i write every single day, even if it's just a sentence. i am daydreaming scenes and narrating them in my head for hours - while bored in class, before i go to bed, riding in the car. i love to write and i honestly don't feel like i'm overwhelming myself by writing a lot. i want to write. it helps me let out my creativity and my emotions. i don't feel like i'm being extremely pressured to write, and it doesn't feel like a chore. if i could, i would do it way more often, but there's only so much i can do as an almost 17 year old (not to flex, but, to flex) student that doesn't have a lock on her bedroom door and nobody in my house believes in knocking 90% of the time and my mom is suspicious of me writing so i have to be extra careful. so don't worry about that.

another thing, and this is more of a reminder: i will never abandon better than me. i know how upsetting it is to be reading a really good fic and you're a decent amount of chapters in and you realize it was last updated a year ago. i would never do that because i know how much a lot of you appreciate my writing and are genuinely hooked on the story and i am very very very thankful for that. i will finish this fic. if my phone gets taken away, i will find a way to update. if i become hospitalized (which hopefully won't happen but ya girl has medical problems) i will find a way to update. if i lose all electronic access i will write on paper and mail it to someone to update for me. if i get taken to jail for some reason i will carve a chapter in the stone in the wall. (okay maybe that's a stretch and i don't do anything that would end up with me going to jail but you get what i mean)

if you're worried about me not updating or want to be more in the know, i don't mean this as a plug to brag about followers or any of that crap but i'm going to try to post to my conversation board on here more and i post about btm on my instagram story sometimes

i think my problem with btm specifically is that i have like 100+ docs in my drive so it's easy to get distracted about ideas i have for potentially future fics (so i have about 4 aus in total that i write about) and i love btm of course but sometimes i just get in the mood to write about something else for a little bit. plus with the other fics i have music playlists for them so it's easier for me to kind of get myself into the mood and to get inspired but i unfortunately don't have one for btm and i have no idea what songs to put in one. and the fact that i try extremely hard to make each chapter my best work, so it's very time consuming, you'd be surprised at how long it takes to write a few paragraphs yet an entire chapter. i go back and edit constantly so i hope that shows i really try lol