Dark Thoughts

Is it Normal to Feel Like This?

What is love really?

Is it an emotion, or is it a pain in the ass?

To me, it's both.

One moment you can convince yourself to believe that you love this one person, who you'll never stop loving.

Then, they don't do a few things, and are giving a lot of slack on this two person chain.

And you rethink over everything.

Over every word.

Over every action.

Over every silent second.

It drives you crazy, but that's love, huh?

Last month I dreamt of roses, or even a single rose. I dreamt of a cheesy love letter, or even a song written for me.

Last month's dreams were lies.

My imagination lied to me.

I fear for next month, my birthday. My sixteenth, champagne, birthday.

I'm expecting nothing, I always do. Nothing that was bought, or even anything hand-crafted I don't think about. Because I know, I know that I will not get something like that

I dream of good morning texts, long conversations with no awkward silence. I dream of random little outings around town. To the park, or to the river. I dream of very unoften, random visits. I dream of the little things, whether it be hand written poetry, or a small encouraging note tucked into my locker or my bag.

But, sadly, these dreams won't become a reality. I know this painful truth quite well.

I will always be left on read for hours.

I will be starting conversations with simple questions, trying to ask about his day. And in response I will receive one or two worded answers.

I will always be the one who pulls in this relationship.

It's always ME.

I don't want it to be just me pulling anymore.

I am tired of being the only one pulling.

I constantly question everything I do, everything I say, and whether it is good enough.

I am wearing myself ragged.

I don't know how much longer I can do this for.