Spiders and Ants can be Family

I'm So Sorry A/N

Hey guys, I'm sorry the next chapter isn't up yet. I've been pretty busy. And I've been feeling like absolute garbage. Yesterday I left a friend's party early to help my dad clean these buildings he works at. He's not a janitor though. Anyways, after cleaning and going to the store he wanted to go through the car wash. I said go through Bay 3, he listened. We went through and something hit the back of his truck. Like scrapping. It was the thing that sprays the soap and water. He drove out and talked to the guy operating the wash. After a while my dad came into the truck and started saying this is all my fault. If I hadn't picked the bay this wouldn't had happened. I know it's my fault. Everything's my fault. Maybe if I didn't leave the party early this wouldn't had happened. But, after a bit I was just silent. Not talking. Just sitting in the front seat, thinking it's all my fault. My dad tried 'cheering me up.' Didn't work. Made me feel even worse. For some goddamn reason, whenever I'm happy I ruin someone else's mood or day. I hate myself for it. When I got home I found out my sister managed to convince my mom to let buy BTS tickets. I would've been happy, but I just didn't care. I just went up to my room and started crying. When people say it's my fault or I'm fat, it hurts me so much. After crying I went to bed. I barely ate anything yesterday. Now it's Saturday and I was supposed to go skiing. But not anymore. After eating and grabbing my skiing gear I asked my mom where my ski mask is. She said in the laundry room in the blue bag. I checked, wasn't there. I walk out and I said it's not there. She says it's in the blue bag! I said I already checked there. She replies with then I guess you didn't look. I say why don't you go check! I know it's disrespectful and everything, but my mouth moved without thinking. I leave the kitchen to check the jacket I wore last time I went skiing. My mom comes up to me. I knew she was gonna slap me so I turned my head. She hits me in the head. And then she hits me right in the mouth. She walks away and I go upstairs. Leaving all my stuff in the living room. Now I'm just lying in bed, crying once again. Thinking that whenever I'm happy, I ruin someone else's fucking day or mood. That's what I come to believe. All I do is ruin things. After school I went to where my sister is with her friends. I kept pulling things from my sister's bag cause she wouldn't go to the car. She finally snapped. She got angry and me. All he friends walked a way. I asked why'd the go. She said it was cause I was being annoying. So the rest of that day, I was crying. I made my sister's friends mad. There're so many times where whenever I'm happy I ruin something. And like 5 minutes ago I hear my sister call me a baby. It's true. I act so immature. I hate this. I hate what I'm doing to people. It's so tiring. This life is tiring. People who say it gets better are liars. When I thought my life was getting better, it did a 180. Now I want to just try to kill myself again. But I can't. I want to, but I can't. All of your comments you've said about it gets better they help me way more then what my family does. They do nothing. All they say is that I'm possessed. Or I'm crazy. Sometimes they say I'm dramatizing. Whatever they say, it hurts. I know what my mom prefers. When I wasn't even in kindergarten, I was at my (real) dad's house. His girlfriend was talking to me. She said my mom prefers money of us. (As in me and my siblings.) When I go back to my mom's house I ask her. What do you like more? Money or us? She says money. I didn't know what that means, so I just shrugged. I didn't care. I remember that day so clearly. I cannot believe my own mother said that. Once I didn't eat for more than 2 days. No one bothered to check on me. They didn't care. Once when I was starving myself (I have a really low self esteem) I heard my mom say she's saving money cause I'm not eating. Wasn't till I almost passed out till she cared. Once when I asked where we were going she got angry at me. She said I should apologize to the person that sexually molested me. I can't hate her though. I can't. Sometimes I want to. But can't. She's my mother. This house is hell. My sister constantly says I'm fat. I know I'm not the thinnest person, but I'm not fat to the point you notice it first when you first met me. No offense to people who are big. I'm jealous of them, some of them are able to be so happy. I can't. My sister always says I'm a waste of space. And that I'm the only one without a jawline. I'm sick and tired of it. No one in this house is happy about what I accomplish. They don't care. They just say I could've done better. This house is horrible. I hate this life I have. Often, I wonder what my family's lives would be like if I wasn't here. I really want to know. Maybe they would've been happier. I always feel like a burden. Just some fuckup god or whoever's up there made. I know I'm a mistake. I've know for a while. They know I think that of myself. But they don't care. Though, you guys have helped me so much. Whenever I'm sad or something I would see your comments, and they would me happier. I'm so thankful for them. I love you guys so much. You're more of help then my family.
I'll be trying to finish the next chapter soon. Love y'all.💙💙💙💙💙