The house no one Knows about

SEVENTEEN

He wasn't there when I woke up but he arrived soon after with a cup of hot chocolate. I looked out of the window; the world had become a blanket of snow overnight. He leaves after I finish my hot chocolate.

It ended up becoming a regular routine for us. I would leave the windows open on purpose and he would climb into my bed; most times shirtless and I would suddenly lose the capability to think. Some nights we stay awake and just talk as it became harder and harder to fall asleep and we would ask the occasional question: 'Are you tired?' which would be responded to with a 'No' and we weren't lying. We were never tired and we never had nothing to talk about.

Then one day, it seemed to him that I may have chosen the worst day to change everything. It is a really cold day; probably below zero degrees Celsius and I decided that I missed the snow. I didn't do this on purpose; I just decide that I need to be in the snow.

It's been a while since I've been in the snow and I've forgotten what a snowflake looks like. Izzy never let me get anywhere near the snow but now I have the opportunity. I'm not even feeling suicidal today; I just want to go out into the snow. He meets me standing by the window trying to keep my exaggerated, broken breaths under control.

'What are you doing Bambi?'

'I want to go out into the snow'

'You can't'

'Why?'

'Because you'll die'

I sigh and divert my eyes back towards the snow. I hold those memories of when I was four and my parents took me to Switzerland. We spent the holiday at a ski-lodge and half a day everyday in the snow; the days before snow became my worst enemy.

'Ever since I turned sixteen, I've been looking for a way to kill myself but I swear this isn't one of them' I whisper

He hugs me from behind and places his chin on my shoulder.

'I'm sorry that this thing- this disease has taken the best parts of life away from you'

'I am this disease, you've forgotten that'

I go to the attic and shut the door. I know that if I can make myself hot or at least warm, it will take some time before I freeze up. I could buy myself some time before I die. I heat up a can of soup; while I wait I turn on the heaters, shut the windows and boil some water. I start on the soup and when the water is done, I pour it into a glass. It burns my tongue and my throat but it feels good. Then I spend a long time in the shower with extremely hot water but as hot as the water is all it can do is feed my skin instead of burning it. The whole time, I hear him calling my name but I keep ignoring him and it works very well. Eventually I find myself in the bed stroking the sheets and thinking of a way to remember my sixteenth year.

'Bambi!'

I open the door but take my time to work on the codes and locks.

'I want you to promise me something' I say as soon as he gets in.

'Bambi-'

'Well?'

'It depends'

'On what?'

'On whatever this promise is'

I hesitate because there is a huge chance that he will not agree to this.

'When I was four, my parents took me to Switzerland. I was four, I knew nothing about skiing and it was a ski trip. We spent like all our days in the snow and I was so cold but I loved it. I was a toddler you know, and there's this thing- the innocence of a child? Yeah, that was me and I played in that snow like it was my life. That was twelve years ago, then the next time I was in the snow I almost died. I should have died, I wish I died but I didn't. I got the chance to live a very disgusting, frustrating life. All I want is for you to promise me something'

'Okay'

'We are going to have an amazing snow day and you are not going to worry about me until I give you permission'

'How do I know when I have permission?'

'I don't know, I'll surprise you'

'Okay, I agree'

'Seriously?'

'Yeah, why not?'

I decide to dress like a normal person going out in the snow; sweater, winter jacket, scarf, beanie and winter boots. I've had them for a while, waiting for a day like this. I wrap my fingers around his; my light blue fingernails are practically piercing his palm but he doesn't even notice. Once we get into the white world, I start to feel like a child again. I run into the snow and laugh as the snow falls unto my nose and lips. I turn around and the anonymous attractive boy who is always watching and drives a Ferrari 458 Italia is watching me. I pull him out so he can relish this snow day with me. We start by making a snow man. We mess it up so many times but the final product is perfect. I unwind my scarf and balance it around the snowman's neck. I know that he would want me to wear my scarf from the look in his eyes but he is bound by our deal.

I throw myself on the ground and open out my legs and arms. The snow is so cold and it practically freezes me in my attempts to make a snow angel but I carry on despite the tautness I feel in my joints. By now my skin has become like water in an ice tray that has been placed in the freezer but I'm having so much fun and I wouldn't want to ruin everything. When I lift myself off the ground, I see that my snow angel has come out perfect but I also see a girl in a dress with wings lying on the snow, half-dead.

I suggest a snowball fight and he agrees. We begin tossing the small, round bullets of ice at each other and it's really funny, except whenever the snow hits me it's like I'm being attacked and my skin isn't doing anything to defend me. I can already feel my chest burning up and my skin is like ice but I don't care because we're running around pelting snowballs at each other and it's getting hard because I'm out of breath and I can't breathe but I'm still smiling and so is he but I can't see him anymore and it's getting darker and I think I'm fainting.