After the rain

I am nobody, who are you?

Changbin was laying on his side, eyes open. It's not that he felt sorry, he felt bad. He had given Felix his blanket as well, keeping the teen warm and safe, or at least he thought it would keep him warm. Felix was asleep, or better, knocked out. Probably from exhaustion. Was Changbin a bad person? Or course, he was a murderer, a robber and he was the first one to go to hell, but he had never felt bad after anything he had done so far. Just until now, he didn't even really know the feeling of guilt. To add, Felix wanted it as well, it was not that Changbin had raped him or something, but the odd feeling still didn't go away. He couldn't sleep anymore, apparently, he hadn't slept the whole night.

However, he was too lazy to get up, plus he didn't want to wake up the younger one, that slept beside him soundly, so peaceful and quiet that from time to time, Changbin feared that Felix wasn't even breathing. That he was dead. Oh, Changbin would not forgive himself. He didn't know why, or how this boy had such a power, to make him feel guilty and bad, make him worry even. Not even Hyunjin did with him, what Felix did. Felix. What a beautiful name. So fragile and easy, so exotic and strange. Changbin loved Felix's name. He turned to his other side, facing the boy now, who laid on his back. His breath hitched from time to time, his chest rose and sunk slightly in a calm rhythm. Changbin swallowed. The dim light of the dawn made it into the room and Changbin shivered slightly. Summed had passed and so had autumn, almost. The leaves on the trees firstly had turned yellow, then orange, then brown. Only the needles of the pine trees stood as dark green as ever, sometimes Changbin even thought they turned even darker than before, but he didn't mind. He loved autumn and winter more than summer. However, it was awfully cold now inside his house and Changbin made a note to himself to turn on the heater later. He was not someone who was easily cold, but now he worried about Felix more.

"Hyung..." He lifted his eyes, noticing Felix had woken up. The younger one had his head tilted aside, looking at him and Changbin felt himself falling even deeper into those wonderfully dark eyes. "Morning." He simply murmured, not attempting to move. It was one of those days again, when Changbin wished he could stay in bed the whole time and do nothing. Literally nothing. It's not that he could though, staying here at Hyunjin's place was not for free. Changbin had to work as well, just that nobody saw him during the day.

"How do you feel?" Changbin threw his thoughts away and Felix blinked twice, before he yawned. "Better." Just how long would that last? Changbin wondered. "I'm hungry." The elder smiled huffily, hunger was always a good sign, so he finally pulled himself up in a sitting position, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up. Felix sat up as well but stopped. Changbin noticed, turning his head and watching the younger one, who looked up with big eyes. He knew what was wrong and he hated himself for being the reason for it, yet he couldn't help asking. "What's wrong?" he felt so close to shaking he was surprised of himself. Felix gulped, looking down onto his lap. "My legs hurt..." Great. The words hit Changbin somehow and he felt guilt rising inside of him once again. Should he apologize? Strangely, he felt like it, yet he was too proud to do so. "It's your own fault." Felix swallowed once again and Changbin bit his lip. He couldn't stand seeing this face of the younger one, this sad and so close to tears face, it made him want to vomit at himself because he knew it was his fault, it was him who lost it and it was him who couldn't control himself.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Felix said, his voice was heavy and suffocated, but Changbin didn't really care about it. So, even Felix thought it was his own fault. "I'm not mad." 'You should be mad'. The blondie looked up, smiling slightly and it warmed Changbin's heart a little. "Can you help me?" Felix said, his voice unstable and Changbin couldn't resist. "I can." He breathed, stepping closer to the younger one again and crouching down before him. "I thought about what you asked me last night." He spoke and Felix tensed, not breaking eye contact though as he nodded shortly. The elder had practised the whole night, what he wanted to say now, but it felt as if his brain was completely empty and he couldn't even remember what he just said. "I do want you to stay." He said, laying his hands onto Felix knees gently. "And I do like you a lot..." He swallowed. "More than I actually want to." Felix blinked. Changbin inhaled sharply. "I want you to stay." 'I can't do it without you' he wanted to add. 'I want to take care of you, hold you, take you, love you, be with you.' He couldn't bring himself to let all those words out.