The rantings of a teenage girl

Dad

It was always my goal as a child not to annoy him. I never wanted to let him down. He was like a god. A superior being that I was even too scared to talk to but I always respected. 

Even as we got closer there was a deep part of me that dreaded annoying him. Not because I was scared of him but because a part of me knew what a wise person he was and that he always knew better than me.

He knows me...knew me better than anyone else. No hes not gone. physically. When I was down he knew what I needed to hear. He knew what I was feeling when nobody else knew why I was sleeping in. Why I would wake up paralyzed with anxiety and crying because I was terrified. 

But he doesn't come to my room anymore to tell me what I need to hear. He comes to my room frustrated and annoyed. I annoy him. 

Maybe ive changed. Maybe Im not the person he wants to comfort.  Im no longer the girl who beleives everything he does. I got out of my comfort zone with him. He pulled me out and now maybe he doesnt like the person Ive become. 

He came to my room to comfort me and he made it worse. When I didn't calm down he gave up. I  dont blame him. Id give up too. 

He was too busy. I showed a hint of being upset and he said he didnt have time for my drama. 

Maybe I shouldnt care anymore. Maybe I should go back to the girl I was. Maybe I should do what everyone wants me to do. I shouldnt question it. After all he knows better. 

People liked me better like that. I had more friends. I had him. I had my Mom. They got along. They didn't fight over me. 

Im the reason. I refuse what they want me to do and it causes stress and fights.

I should go to college

I should lose the weight

I should get a different job

I should be more social

I should be a better pet owner

I should move out. 

I should get a new car

If I do these things will he come back? Will he  know what I need? Will he comfort me?

Probably not. 

I want my Dad back