The rantings of a teenage girl

Relationships

Remember when I said I have happily married parents?

I lied

Well maybe at the time they seemed happy
But now I know better.

My parents got married young and quick because my mother was pregnant with another mans baby. In fact my parents weren't even dating. They were just good friends. My mother's abusive father was going to kick her out after he found out and my mother confided in my father and he said "let's get married" and they did.

About 30 years and 6 kids later they are still together. My dad is in love. He is a hopeless romantic. He buys her flowers, sends her goodnight messages every ugh to he is away, and builds her anything she wants. He doesn't rest. We works all week at the ranch then comes home and works to make her happy. Redecorating our yard, cleaning the house, anything she wants done.

My mother, well, I honestly don't know if she loves my dad. She says she does. She seems to have his best intentions at heart. But she won't kiss him. Doesn't like his touch. Criticizes everything he does. I don't mean to bash on her. She works really hard. She went to school for 4 years full time while working full time night shifts. She works 8-6 every weekday and finds time to be there for my brother.

Communication is hard between them. They text mostly but that never goes well.

"What did you do today?"
*lists 10 things*
"You you didn't do that one thing?"
"No" she's mad at me

My Mom in this case would argue she's not mad just wanted to know if it got done.

My dad would argue she only pointed out the one thing that didn't get done and ignore the 10 things that did.

I love my parents
I really do

But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if they divorced. Would they be happier? Would they realize what the other does to keep each other happy? Would I be happier? Would my brother be happier?

I always come to the conclusion they are better off together. But I can't help but wonder what then possibilities are.

I've never been in a relationship. I've only ever kissed a boy once. We can talk about that another time.

But I see my parents and wonder. Do I want that? I tell myself I'd be better. Never take them for granted. Tell them I love them even when I am angry. Tell them I missed them even when I cherished the alone time. Let them know exactly how I feel without giving hints or expecting them to guess.
But how can I tell myself that?

The thought of being in a relationship scares me.

The thought of being in love draws me in.

Is is it worth it?

I've always thought marriage was odd. Sure celebrate your commitment to each other but I mean it's no different than dating and living together. Unless you vow to be abstinent which doesn't make sense to me, what does marriage change? I understand waiting for the right person but do u wait until they agree to marry you to know they are the right one. Because that doesn't make sense either. I thought marriage was celebration of people when they know they are in love. If they know they are in love then why wait till marriage?

Is it the bowing to be there for all eternity? Because you can make that promise without the help of the government saying it's official.

I've been told I'll feel otherwise when I fall in love. But I don't know.

I haven't had luck dating so far and being in a relationship seems way out of reach for me. I've only ever been on a second date twice.

I've never felt a zing with someone unless you count the pointless crushes that went nowhere and were one way.

Yet still, I crave to be held. To hold hands. To be kissed. I have dreams where I feel this bursting love for someone and I never want the feeling to fade then I wake up. And I realize that may never happen for me. That feeling may be fake. Something I have conjured in the depths of my imagination.

But then again

I've had dreams that come true. What if the part of my dream that comes true is this love I'm feeling?

What if these moments I have with boys in my dreams are ones I am to expect in real life with my true love and the face is covered with the mask of a famous person or someone I know so I don't ruin the surprise.

Or maybe it's someone new every time because I am meant not to find love in someone else and be forever alone. Only to feel it in my dreams.

I know what love feels like. I love my family more than anything. I love my animals as if they were human. I love my friends to the ends of the earth. But I can't imagine a stranger finding his way into that circle of love and putting themselves in the center. Do they deserve it? These other people have done so much for me and I am willing to let someone else in so I can follow the feeling in my chest from my dreams and be in love rather than just love?

Maybe that's what love is. Maybe I shouldn't let them in until they make their way through just like everyone else. And if they are lucky they can be in the center. But that doesn't seem possible to me. My circle is few. It's layered with types of relationships and people I love. How will anyone have the patience to push through?

I don't know.

Everything I have been taught about love and marriage is from a church that I have put in my past and stomped on. I can't trust them. But who can I trust to give me the answers to what marriage and love is supposed to feel like?