The rantings of a teenage girl

Life

Life seems like such a broad subject but its the only way I feel I can explain what is happening right now.

I got a new job. I dont know if I mentioned this in my last update or not but it is an amazing opportunity and i feel my life is coming together but at the same part I feel as if it is falling apart. 

I had to stop working with my Dad because of it and that is probably one of the hardest things ive had to do. I now only see him on weekends and it feels like a huge part of my life was ripped out. Hes not the same at home as at the Ranch i used to work on with him.

My family has always been a huge part of me. My everything. But now I have another big part of my life. Its not that im putting my new job over family it is only part time after all. 

Its as if as that part of my life molds and starts to become something I am actually proud of and something I am loving the other part of my life that has been my rock this whole time is crumbling and I have to cling to this newly forming boulder so I don't fall. 

Maybe it was crumbling this whole time and I am only now seeing it. I knew there were very large cracks before but now my Dad is never himself, my Mom is scared to talk to me, my little brother is getting older and therefore more annoying but I feel if I were to leave he would fall into the same hole I am in. 

Having parents that fight isn't just hard on the marriage. It consumes the whole family. Lucky for them all my other siblings have moved out and are not witnessing everything we are. My poor brother is stuck in the middle of a Mother who is a full time employee but gives him everything he could ever want who simply wants him to be happy, and a Father who is only home on weekends but is trying to teach him to be independent and does everything he can to be home in time to pick him up from school on Fridays, who wants his son to have good memories of his childhood, something he never had.

I'm feeling structure which is so satisfying and fulfilling. 

I feel important, smart, confident, and independent. 

I'm feeling unsteady which is scary and I am clinging to my family for dear life

I feel  helpless, alone, and useless.

How do I keep both?