The Band Bible

Chapter 1

"Would you like to feel my bassoon Dick Nirks?" I asked, sending a wink down Nick's way. "Me?" He mouthed, pointing at his chest. "Yeah, would you like to feel my bassoon?"

"Oh my god, yes", Nick nodded enthusiastically as he scurried over to my bassoon. "This is such an incredible honor", Nick said, as he rubbed my bassoon. "I don't just let anyone do this, y'know."

"Does this make me special?" Nick looked up at me with twinkling eyes. "Yes bae, yes", I nodded, laying one hand on his shoulder. This was our moment.

"I've literally been standing next to you the whole time, Clay, and I don't think you should just be letting people feel your bassoon like that. It could get contaminated", Arielle interrupted my my moment with Nick. Butt flap.

"Why? You jealous?" I teased. Oh, I'm such a tease. "Hell no!"

"All I hear is lies."

"I'm just trying to keep your bassoon protected Clay! You don't want just anybody touching it, now do you?"

"I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!" Nick shouted, tapping his foot angrily on the floor. "Gurl bye", Arielle sassily waved. How dare she chase my man away. Just then, Kaitlyn Cook came skipping along over to me and Arielle. "Whachu want, Kaitlyn?" I asked blankly. "Yo dick", she answered. "Oh my god, tell me something I don't know", I rolled my eyes at her. "Rude, Clay!"

"Me and Clay are having a serious conversation about his bassoon. He doesn't know how to keep it safe from other people. So, if you could please leave, that'd be fabulouso", Arielle snarled, crossing her arms and tilting her hips to the side. Why she so sassy?

"Fine, I'll go find Shea then", she grimaced, skipping back off to the other side of the band hall. "As I was sayi-", Arielle continued. "MY ANACONDA DON'T, MY ANACONDA DON'T!" I interrupted, dancing around her with my bassoon. "The fuck?" Arielle furrowed her eyebrows. "Do you gotta booty or nah?"

"Bitch, what I look like? I gotta indent!" She replied. I laughed and then thought of something... "Arielle, hold my bassoon", I demanded, handing Arielle my bassoon. "Great.. Now I'm touching your bassoon", she rolled her eyes, taking my bassoon carefully between her hands.

I quickly unbuttoned my shorts and let them drop to the floor. Stepping out of them, I pulled down my power ranger boxers, not enough to show my wiener, but enough to let my booty hang loose. I began running carelessly around the band hall, seeing all the dropping jaws as I went by. I loved how my booty waved in the breeze.

"CLAY MCCARTY, PUT DAT ASS AWAY RIGHT NOW!" Mr. Schmidt screamed from the other side of the band hall. "But dat booty doe", Corey whined. "Corey, shut up", Stevie said, nudging Corey in the side. "He doesn't have a booty, he's got an indent that looks as white as Kaitlyn Cook", Arielle replied, sassy as usual. "Hey!" Kaitlyn frowned. "Excuse me, but the only booty Corey should be looking at his mine", Levi snapped his fingers again in Z-formation.

"But my anaconda don't, Mr. Schmidt", I whined, pulling up my boxers. "I don't care what your anaconda doesn't do, put some damn pants on!" Mr. Schmidt demanded. Way to ruin a nice day.

"Mr. Schmidt", Stevie called out. "What Stevie?" Mr. Schmidt sighed. "Clay keeps sending me nudes", she almost sang. "When did I send you my nudes?! I only sent those to Dick Nirks and Alyssa!" I shouted, trying to defend myself. "Oh my god, but Alyssa's virgin eyes", Arielle gasped. "Shut up!"

"Clay, I swear I will take your damn reed of this damn bassoon, and stomp on it. Don't play wit me, nigga", Arielle replied. Ugh.

How does Stevie know about my nudes? Why did Schmidt see my ass? Why is Arielle sassy? Why is Levi so fab? Why is Kaitlyn neon white? And why does Shea love Nutella so much? Could this day get any worse?