Watching

Part 10

10.

Elliot leaned back on the couch and took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth and he wanted to do this right. He knew what he needed to tell Olivia but he still didn't know where to start.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" Olivia offered.

"Alright. The beginning. That would be the day I shot Jenna."

Olivia sat down while she listened to his voice. She could tell it wasn't easy for him and she couldn't help wondering what could be so horrible that it was so difficult to tell her about it.

He started telling her about that day, his last day at the precinct. She remembered it well. After the shooting, the Captain had arranged for a few quick simultaneous interviews with IAB before sending everyone home for the day. He did not want to keep everyone there for too long. He understood they needed to unwind and process the day's events with their loved ones. Olivia had stayed behind and had volunteered to inform sister Peg's family and co-workers that she had died in the shooting. He had gone home.

Elliot paused and Olivia could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

"Go on El," she encouraged him. She felt that something big might be coming next.

Elliot was trembling and wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was difficult for him to relive this day once again and he wasn't sure how much he would share with Olivia today. How much he could share with her. He decided to skip to the end of the day.

"I went to a bar and really needed a drink to calm down a bit. One drink turned into a lot until I didn't even know where I was anymore. I don't remember how I got out of that bar but when I regained some sense of consciousness, I had been robbed and was hauled into a squad car."

He took another deep breath and Olivia tried to process what he had told her so far while he composed himself somewhat. She knew he wasn't a heavy drinker and she found it difficult to believe that the shooting had pushed him that far. But he wasn't finished.

"Liv, I understand that it must have confused you when I never got in touch again."

She nodded, even though he could not see that, and when she didn't say anything Elliot continued. He explained to her that he had continued drinking. In a rare moment of clarity he had put his papers in after getting a few things from his house. He had gotten a new ID and drivers' licence and a new phone but he didn't get a new place. The bottle was his home for quite a while and he wasn't sure where he had been the first few months. All he did was try and drown the images in his head that would keep him up at night in as much alcohol as he could get his hands on.

Olivia couldn't help but notice that he did not give any explanation about why he didn't go back home. Surely, his family would have gone after him and they would have gotten him help. Elliot continued and she listened, saving her questions for later.

The first time he had sobered up was at Mercy Hospital, after he had been stabbed by another drunk. They wanted to keep him overnight and helped him with his colossal hangover the next morning. He still wouldn't admit that he had a problem until they asked him for something as simple as his address. He didn't have one. This had shaken him a bit and he had agreed to go to a shelter that offered some counselling. He had fallen pretty far and was ashamed. His shame made him drink again and a while later he had found himself in hospital again. With alcohol poisoning. That was when he had agreed to get help and he was admitted to a clinic in Boston.

"Why Boston?" Olivia asked.

"I felt I needed to get away from New York. I just couldn't ... I couldn't face you or anyone else in the state I was in. I needed to get my head together somewhere where there wasn't anything to rip open old wounds. Aside from myself, of course," he added bitterly.

She sighed. She had to ask him about his family.

"Elliot, why didn't you go home? Kathy must have been worried sick."

He laughed and the bitterness in his laugh shocked her. "She couldn't help me with this. She knows why I left."

Olivia had the feeling she didn't know the full extent of things yet but she did understand his need to get his act together before coming back. Still, she wished she could have been there for him. She didn't know what to say to him and she told him as much.

"You don't have to say anything Liv. Just tell me you don't hate me." He felt drained after reliving so much of the things he had tried to drink away and he just needed some reassurance.

He sounded so lost. Over the past two weeks Olivia had already admitted to herself that she had missed him much more than she had been angry with him. Now she wished they weren't on the phone so she could comfort him in person. But all she could do right now is tell him what he needed to hear.

"I don't hate you Elliot."

"Thank you."

There was an awkward silence for a while, until Olivia asked, "Was that everything you wanted to tell me?"

He was holding back and he felt that she knew it. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and hesitated.

"Isn't it enough for a first conversation?" he asked finally.

"I have a feeling you aren't telling me everything Elliot. I don't see you turning into a falling-down drunk and leaving your family over a shooting, however horrible it was. And also I ... I don't understand why you didn't talk to me." she added softly.

"I ... I was going to Liv. I just needed a drink first and when that had gotten completely out of hand, I felt like there was no way back. I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry for shutting you out like that."

She could hear the pain in his voice and wanted to reassure him. But she had been in pain herself and needed some time to deal with all of it. So she told him, "Well, what's done is done El. We are talking now so I guess that's good. It's a lot to take in, and I think there's more. If it's alright with you, I'd like to continue this another time. I uhm ... I just ..."

"I understand Liv. I do. Take your time. I will be here."

"Okay."

"Will you call me again?" he asked, just to be sure.

"I will," Olivia promised.

"Goodnight, Olivia. And thanks."

"Goodnight Elliot."

...