Arthit, Knott, Prem, Tutah, and Bright are in their Third year and known as the crazy engineering gang to their classmates. They are also the Red Jacket Hazers. Kongpop, Tew, Wad, Oak, and Aim are First Years who are about to face the Crazy Hazers...
I reached my dorm late. I have been coming back later and later to avoid... him. I press my forehead against my door as I go to unlock it. How did it come to this? I am so fvcking confused, banging my head against the door before opening it and walking in.
I throw my backpack on my bed as I turn on the lights before falling back on the bed. Even here, there are memories of Kongpop. I stare at the ceiling remembering the day he came over to bring me food. Images of him moving about my dorm play through my head. I throw my arm over my eyes, trying to stop them from coming. The late-night confession and the phone call that I ended have been playing on a loop in my brain.
"I don't know what you mean by that. But if it's the same as I had in mind. Yes, I do."
"Could it be that day? That I didn't answer your question... If you really want to know, I can just tell you now. I don't know when it happened. I don't know how it happened. You are a guy. And I'm also a guy. But I really can't stop my own feelings. P'Arthit, I have always wanted to tell you. That I..."
I am a coward. Even though I have been avoiding him on campus doesn't mean I haven't seen him. He looks like a zombie. I broke him. My actions changed him. My cowardice ruined him. I took his smile. I mentally scream as I rub my face. He wouldn't even look at me today! Hell, I was hiding behind my friends also. I wanted him to look away. I wanted him to leave me alone. But why does it hurt so much?
I roll over on my bed and take out my phone. I look at all the missed calls and messages from Kongpop. The fact that there are fewer and fewer attempts from him should be a good thing. Why does it just feel that I am losing something important then?
Facing my window, I look across the way. I have done this every night since that night. Somehow just seeing the light on made it a little better. But tonight, the lack of a light on in his dorm just makes me feel sad. It feels like the dark room is taunting me with, "You wanted him gone. Well, he is gone. Happy?"
"NO! I am not happy!" I yell at his room. "I'm not happy," I sigh, getting up. I grab my clothes and towel before I head to the shower. When I get to the door, I turn to look across at his window once more. No light. "I'm not happy," I grumble as I walk into the bathroom.
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Coming out of the bathroom rubbing my hair dry with a towel, and walk out to my balcony. Once again, I find myself looking across at Kongpop's room. I begin to wonder why his lights were still off. I spot the ashtray he used for when he smoked sitting on his balcony rail. Is he still smoking? I stand there watching his window as I silently ask for the lights to come on. I shake my head. Stop it. You got what you wished for. With one last look, I walk back inside.
I notice P'Tum and P'Fon's wedding invitation on my desk. Walking over, I pick it up. My friends and I had decided while we were working on our project for Ai'Knott to drive us. Reading the invite, I remember I will need to wear red. Other than my hazer uniform, do I own anything red? I set it back down and go to my closet.
Rummaging through my closet, the only thing I have been able to find is a red tie. Well, at least that is something. Looking back in the closet, I see my black suit hanging there. I can wear the red tie with that.
I slip the tie over the shoulder of the suit, satisfied. Looking back at the invitation, I remember the card I had gotten as a gift. Where did I put that card Kongpop convinced me to get? I look through the things on my desk, but it is not there. Pulling open the top drawer, I spot the card and take it out. Under the card is Kongpop's gear. Staring at it, I run my finger over the 59. I don't know how long I stood there looking at the gear, but someone knocking on a door somewhere down my hallway made me close the drawer feeling like I had been caught doing something wrong.
"Why haven't you given it back?" UGGGHHH! I really hate that part of my brain that has way too much to say about shit it shouldn't!
"BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW!! " I answer back. Crap, now I am arguing with myself!
Opening the card, I see that I have yet to add my message. Sitting down at my desk, I pick up a pen and begin writing my wishes for P'Tum and P'Fon. I reread what I wrote and was satisfied with what I read. I place the card back in the envelope.
Once again, I catch myself glancing over toward Kongpop's window, remembering that Kongpop is a co-code member. Would he be there also? I am sure code and co-code members were invited. For a second, I find myself happy at the thought that he will be there, and then I remember how he stared at the table the entire time today and how I hid from him. What the hell, Arthit! Do you want to see him? Or do you want him to disappear? Make up your mind!
The lights I have been hoping for suddenly come on. I smile, but it quickly fades. I have everything I wished for only to find out it might not be what I want. Once again, the phrase "I'm not happy" pops in my head. I pull the curtains closed before I turn off my lights and climb into bed. Even in the dark behind closed curtains, I am still looking.
Kongpop's POV
Turning on the lights, I walk into my dorm and stare at my closed curtains. I have kept them closed for days, not wanting to see P'Arthit. I set my bag on the table and look through the slit across to his dorm. P'Arthit's curtains are open, and the lights are on. My breath catches when I see him looking across at my room. I watch as he shakes his head before he closes the curtains and the lights go off.
I know I should shower and change, but I am exhausted. I am not happy. I miss him, and it is killing me. I walk over and turn my lights off and climb in bed. And just like I have done every night, I look towards his room. Why am I still watching?
