A Piece of Me (Tracob)

You Don't Know Me

"Ms. Mellet? Mr. Bixenman?"

The doctor comes into the lounge area where Sage and I are waiting. We both look up, full attention on him.

"I'm Dr. Jean, and I'm here to give you an update on Troye." the doctor smiles reassuringly and suddenly my fists unclench from where they've been balled at my side. He wouldn't smile like that unless it's good news.

"Good news," he says, as if reading my mind. "He's wide awake and stable. We have every reasons to believe he'll stay this way."

"Oh thank God." Sage bursts into tears and buries her face in my shoulder. I pat her back, feeling shaky with relief.

"However, that's not the end of the story." Dr. Jean continues. "Troye has suffered fairly severe head trauma. We can't be sure until we run a couple tests, but he appears to have what we call 'retrograde amnesia.'"

"Wh-what does that mean?" A cold, numb feeling settles around me. Sage looks up, tears streaked down her face.

"Retrograde amnesia is the loss of memories from before the onset of amnesia. This affects his episodic memory more than it affects his semantic memory. He still remembers general things, how to read, write, cook etc, but his knowledge of people and places and events connected to personal experience is limited. The good thing about retrograde amnesia is that older memories are still there, due to the strengthening over time, and it's newer memories that are affected." Dr. Jean clasps his hands. "This will be difficult to hear, I know, but as near as we can tell, Troye has little to no recollection of the past 4-5 years."

A cold, vicelike grip closes around my heart. Sage is squeezing my hand so hard it hurts. Four to five years. I met Troye three and a half years ago.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says gently. "I can't imagine. You can come see him, whenever you're ready."

I'm in somewhere of a daze as Sage tugs me to me feet, dragging me towards Troye's room. I want to see him so badly, but I also don't want to, because walking into that room means remove any hope that he might remember me. Walking into that room means walking into the truth no matter how bad it is. I almost want to shut my eyes, but I don't. Troye is propped up in bed, oxygen tubes in his nose, running to a tank beside his bed. He still looks so frail and exhausted but he's awake and I just want to cry, because he fought so hard and he won.

"Troye!" Sage drops my hand and rushes to her brother, wrapping him in the gentlest fierce hug I've ever seen. "You're okay, you're okay." She rests her head on his and I can see her biting back tears. Troye looks a little confused and overwhelmed, but brings his hand in to rest in her hair gently.

"Sagey," his voice is more brittle than I've ever heard it. "I'm okay. Don't cry. I'm okay. Where's mum, Sage? Steele, Tyde, and dad? Are they here?"

"They're not here yet, they're on their way." Sage sniffs, wiping her eyes and pulling away from them."She glances up at me, looking for permission maybe, for a nod or a sign from me. I don't know what she wants, I just want to get it over with, I want him to look at him and see me. Recognize me, know me.

"But - but Jacob is here to see you. You remember Jacob?" Troye looks up, scanning the room in search of a familiar face. There's a fraction of a second when his eyes land on me, where I expect him to light up with a smile, to hold his arms out and say of course he remembers me, because really how could he not remember me? But he doesn't grin, and he doesn't reach out to me, he just gives a polite, blank smile.

"I don't know, I'm sorry." he looks at me while he says it, but doesn't show signs of emotion.

It's just five words. Five words that send my whole world crashing down. Five words that rip the breath from my body and make me want to scream because of that blank blank look in his eyes when he sees me. Five words that destroys three years of the life we built together.

Sage is watching me, eyes full of concern. I can't look at Troye. I can hardly breathe. I force myself to nod my head, give some sign that I heard, that I won't fall to the ground right now and break down.

"Mr. Bixenman?" The doctor is speaking to me. "Are you alright?"

"I-I I'm sorry. I have to - I need to go." I don't remember leaving the room, but the next second I'm stumbling down the hall, not sure where I'm headed but desperately needing to get out - to be anywhere but that room.There's a vacant bathroom to my right, and I push my way in, hands shaking, vision blurry. I barely shut the door, I can't even lock it before I'm falling to my knees and crying, painful sobs ripping through my chest. It's the kind of crying that makes every breath hurt, and your head pound. I feel sick like I might throw up, dizzier than I've ever been, and I'm glad I'm not standing. I'm not even in control of my own body as I bring my fist down on to the floor. The second it connects with the tile, a searing pain flares up my arm, but I just hit it again, beating out all my frusterations and grief.

I've hardly cried at all these past few days. I kept it together for Sage, for Troye for everyone, but I can't any longer. I can't hold it back and I can't contain everything inside me, emotions clawing at my skull, trying to get out. I can hardly breathe as I cry out, sobbing Troye's name. He doesn't know you, he doesn't love you. The words run through my brain over and over, getting louder each time. For the first time in my life, I'm overwhelmed with the strangest, most disassociating feeling of just wanting to pass out. I just want to stop feeling right here, I want to let go and leave this room and this pain. I want Jacob Bixenman to cease to exist because than I won't ever have to feel again.

I hardly notice the door swinging open until I feel someone kneel beside me, wrapping their arms around me.

"It's okay, Jacob. It's going to be okay." Sage's voice is soft and comforting. She sounds so much like her brother.

"What am I supposed to do?" It's all I can manage to whisper through my sobs. "Sage, what am I supposed to do?"

"I'm sorry, Jacob." She says, because what else can she say? "I am so so sorry."