A Piece of Me (Tracob)

New beginnings, fading into June

I'm shy. That's the truth. Most people are surprised when they find that out, given my line of work and everything, but genuinely, deep down, I am a shy person, just one who's good at faking confidence.

Troye, Troye isn't so shy. He can be anxious. anxious, but not so shy. He's got natural confidence. It's what initially drew me to him. So a lot of the time, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I end up relying on him to take the jumps in our relationship - be the brave one, so to speak. I know the public tends to assume that since I'm physically bigger, or maybe cause I'm older, I call the shots, but frankly Troye is in charge 80% of the time. He knows what he wants and how to get it done.

I'm not exactly submissive but...

Okay, maybe I tend to be submissive when it comes to making decisions for us.

So that's why I'm hovering. I'm just hovering in the house, trying to appear inconspicuous, waiting for him to make a move so I don't have to.

It's not that we have a problem exactly, it's that there's this thing, this thing we haven't addressed, this thing called we made out on the couch after three months of being "just friends" because you forgot who I am, and I don't know where to go from here.

I mean, he's my boyfriend...right? Why would he ever want to be anything else to me? What if he just wants to be, god help me, friends with benefits? That's the least Troye thing ever. He's a relationship person, he craves being in a solid, steady, deeply committed relationship, he loved being my boyfriend, he loved it. I know that for a fact.

So why would he want anything different now? Last night was our first big step, right? We're going to be a couple now. He's not recovered completely, but now we're not just going to heal together, we're gonna do it hand in hand. Everything we worked for is piecing together, I know it.

But just as he'd be the one between us to confront the waiter who got our order wrong, I'm going to sit nervously and wait for him to be the one to address last night first.

Because I'm shy, you know?

--

It's 1:32 pm. I'm standing in my studio, sorting photographs into piles. It's been too long since I've sorted and updated my folders and boxes of photos that I have stored in this space, and now I feel driven to do it

Like I said, stress organizer.

I'm just starting to get in the swing of things, finding my organizing groove and really beginning to make progress, when I'm interrupted abruptly by Troye tapping on the door. He peeks his head in.

"Hey, can we talk?"

My heart seems to sink, rise and stop all at once. This is it. I clear my throat.

"Yeah, sure, come in."

He steps in and shuts the door behind him, which is unnecessary because it's not like we need privacy, we're the only people in this house. Unless he thinks Nash is gonna eavesdrop on us.

"What's up?"

Troye twists his fingers together anxiously, stopping in front of me. "I just wanted to talk, about last night," he's looking down at his hands, head bowed, avoiding my gaze.

"Sure," I murmur.

"It's just, I, I'm not ready," he stammers. "I'm not ready to um, be in a relationship."

I feel myself take a step back from him, almost subconsciously. Isn't this exactly the same conversation we had a couple months ago? We are going to get stuck in an endless loop of me thinking we're getting somewhere and him telling me he's 'not ready'?