A Piece of Me (Tracob)

Revelation

23 days. That's how long I've been home with Troye.

Twenty three whole days.

In those 23 days he has:

Relapsed completely and not eaten, barely spoken and moved for a full day, three times.

Had two episodes rendering him incapable of standing because he's in pain.

Made me cry probably 20 times.

Never cried in front of me.

Denied my help as much as possible.

Stayed in his room 13 hours a day.

The amount of effort from him is so minimal, it's... nothing. He doesn't try, it's like he doesn't want to get better, he doesn't want to improve and I can't - I don't understand that. He's throwing everything. He doesn't even try to imagine the life we had and get that back.

He doesn't want it, he doesn't want me, he's changed.

He's too different.

If you've ever been given the silent treatment, imagine that, but from your best friend. Now imagine trying to live like that and keep your spirits up every day because the doctors said good spirits will help him.

Yeah, it seems to be helping so much, thanks.

I feel like I'm going insane, like genuinely insane. I haven't worked in a month, I haven't seen my friends or my family in a month, it's just Troye Troye Troye every day. Everything for him. Nothing for me. And that would be okay, it would all be okay if I just knew he loved me. He appreciated me. But it's like everything I do for him is an inconvenience. I'm just bothering him.

They've offered, of course, my friends and my family, to come over. To bring dinner. To stay with me, but I've denied them every time. I don't know why. It's almost like I'm ashamed. Ashamed that my entire life is going to shit and I don't want to make it anyone else's problem.

I can make it through the day, I tell myself. I'll make it through the day.

--

Troye-

*April 9th*

Nash is nice. I like Nash. He keeps me company, he stays with me a lot of the day. I can't be around Jacob, he just upsets me. Something about him distresses me in a way I can't place and I don't want to think about him or anything about him, so I don't.

I just sit with Nash, I think. I think a lot. I think about my home in Perth, I think about my family and my friends there. I think about leaving. Going back. Walking away from Jacob.

I've tried here, okay? I've tried. For almost a month. Waited for some miraculous memories to come back. For emotions to come swooping in and I go oh, that Jacob, and fall madly in love with him again. I really have tried.

I waited it out, I can't do anymore than that. And when it comes down to it, I'm doing this for him. If I had it my way, I'd be on a plane to Australia yesterday. This is all for him, I tried. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to come home. And when I leave, I won't feel guilty about that either.

It's my life. I don't want these old memories and this baggage and forgotten life, I want a fresh start. This, here, whatever it is, won't be happening. I need to live my life for me.

I need to live my life for me.

-

It takes awhile before I feel well enough to roll out of bed and grab my crutches. I hate these stupid crutches, I want to walk. I want to feel like a person again. Four weeks of physical therapy and not a thing has changed.