A Piece of Me (Tracob)

I'd Only Do It For You

Jacob

"Jacob? Hey, how are you doing?" Laurelle's gentle voice coaxes me to life my face from my hands and look up at her. I manage a weak smile.

"Fine." My voice is hoarse from hours of crying. I stopped crying yesterday because I just ran out of tears. Which is worse than crying actually.

"No, you're not." Laurelle brushes my hair off my face. "You have to be honest, Jacob. You don't have to be okay, but you have to be honest."

My face crumples and I lean into her. "I'm not okay, I'm not okay at all, Laurelle. I have never been less okay and I just want to talk to Troye - my Troye - but I can't because he's gone and I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do."

Troye's mother wrap her arms around my shoulders, hugging me warmly. "Shhh, I know, my boy, I know. You don't have your Troye, but you have us, love. You have his family, and you'll always have us, no matter what happens. You're part of our family too."

I know she's trying to make me feel better but somehow I only end up feeling worse. What am I supposed to do, show up to Friday dinner every week, awkwardly shake hands with Troye and sit down? I can't imagine not showing up arm in arm with my beautiful boy, pulling him into my lap after we eat, annoying him with kisses on the cheek and laughing with his siblings, teasing him. I can't do that with a stranger. He's a stranger to me, just as much as I am to him. Maybe the sooner I can accept that, the easier this will be. Laurelle pats my hand.

"I came out here with good news, actually. Troye says he's ready to see you. A new day a new start, right Yakov? Everything will be okay, my boy, you'll see. Give him time, each day is a gift after what happened. We're all so lucky he's still here with us. And we speak to the doctor today about release and a recovery plan for him, we'll get more information, more treatment, and most importantly," Laurelle cups my face and turns it gently to look at her. "We will get through this."

I nod, eyes prickling with tears. She is trying so hard to keep all of us together, so stay positive and see the bright side of everything. I can't keep stepping on that, I have to listen to her side. I have to train myself to start thinking that this is the new normal, but just the thought of that is crushing. Endless psychological evaluations, physical therapy, meetings with doctors, appointment after appointment after appointment, trailing after a boy who doesn't even remember me in hopes that maybe one day he will. God knows how long I'll have to wait, or if I'm even waiting for anything at all. No false hope, the doctor said. There is a chance he may never regain what he lost, physically or mentally.

I stand up, taking a deep breath and steeling myself. "I should go talk to Troye," I tell Laurelle and she nods.

"You should take a few minutes alone with him, I'm sure it would only help. And remember, we're meeting with his doctor again in 15."

"Got it."

I walk down the hall on the path to his room that I know so well. I've only actually gone into his room once in the 30 hours that he's been awake, but sometimes I come over and peek in on him while he naps. Yeah, maybe that's creepy, but you have to remember that a week ago, I would have been napping right next to him while our dog slept on our feet.

Troye is sitting up in bed when I walk in. He's got a tray on his lap with a bowl of oatmeal or some sort of hot cereal like that.

"Hi." My voice is broken, barely audible, so I clear my throat and try again. "Hi, Troye."

Troye looks up at me, setting down his spoon. "Hi Jacob." There's the slightest pause before he says my name, like he's not quite comfortable with it yet. "How - how are you?"