Blanket Of Stars | jensoo

winter air

I can't help thinking of my family this morning; wondering what they would be doing if the last year had never happened, what gifts they would be giving each other, think of the pile of torn wrapping paper that would form in the middle of the living room, and I think of how, once again, I'd look to my dysfunctional family and think that they were perfect.

I would smile at how every year my mother joked about not tearing the paper because she was going to use it next year, and roll my eyes but secretly love it during the Christmas lunch when all my family would do is re-tell old stories.

My mother always used to repeat one of how, on one Christmas Eve, she went to a bar with her cousin and on the way home they decided to go to midnight mass, drunk. They sat at the back laughing and sharing chocolate, waiting for the free wine.

I would love to go back in time to see what she was like at my age, properly. I'd like to see if we'd be friends or if I would dislike her, see if she would be nice to me on the first meeting, or if I would be someone she would have to spend time with to grow to like.

The strangest Christmas Eve I had was when I was fifteen. At seven p.m. I went to meet a friend in town and when I spotted him, I saw he was with another friend of his. All we did was walk around town and I'd listen to them complain about how much they didn't want to go home, when that's all I wanted to do. I still had all my gifts to wrap, plus all of Jin's because he used so much tape you spent minutes trying to prise it open the next morning, only to reach for the scissors with a sigh. It wasn't all bad, my friend did sing Dolly Parton's Jolene at the top of his lungs. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

I wouldn't say last night was at the top of my Christmas Eve memories. I don't think that would come close to describing how I felt holding her and kissing her for the briefest moment. I think I died for that.

I can still taste her on my lips and I wonder if I'll ever be able to taste anything else.

Snow began to fall a while ago, the hours passed have given it time to stick to the ground and the bitter air giving it more of a crunch-sound when you walk on it. I love fresh snow when nobody else has walked over it. I want Jennie to wake up soon, and not for the sole purpose that I miss her eyes, but because I want to ask her if she'll walk outside with me to make the first footprints. Both reasons are selfish but I can't help myself. Most things are better when you have someone standing next to you.

"Jen?" I whisper to the body that is mostly hidden by the covers. I don't get a response, so I try again. "Jennie," I drag her name out excitedly.

A low sigh emits from her throat.

"Wake up."

She pulls the covers closer to her body.

Looking over to the clock, I see that it is early, a red five-oh-two is shining back at me. The lights on the wall are still giving the room the glow that I love. I'll let her sleep longer, she could probably do with it. I make sure not to make much noise getting up off the bed and smile at doing just that.

As soon as I'm standing, I take a last look at Jennie whose head is barely visible from underneath the covers, only down to her eyes can be seen. She has the cutest bed hair poking out and spread across her pillow.

Her arm stretches out to where my body usually rests and I hear her take in a slow breath. "Where are you going?" she asks me quietly, sounding very much like somebody who has only had five hours of sleep.

"I'm just going outside. Go back to sleep."

Her eyes are closed as she shakes her head. "Come back," she mumbles.

"I want to walk in the snow."

I said the magic words because her eyes shoot open. "It snowed?"

Her excitement is sweet and I smile slightly before pointing toward the window. "Take a look."